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The CW’s ‘Riverdale’ Has a Slutty Twin Peaks Aesthetic and is My Problematic New Fave

Back when I was younger, when I was dragged to the supermarket with my mother and grandmother, occasionally I was treated to an Archie digest. I practically consumed them, and looked forward to seeing what sandwiches Jughead was eating these days, watched Betty and Veronica vie for Archie’s affections, mentally facepalmed over whatever stupid crap Moose and Reggie were up to, and so on. Archie Comics hold a special part in my heart, as they were some of the first comics I’d ever gotten my hands on. My love for Archie went from there to listening to ‘Sugar, Sugar’ on repeat, to watching this VHS tape repeatedly.

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Which, oddly enough, seems to me like they got the basis for ‘Riverdale’, in the first place. (I’ll have to revisit it and let everyone know!)

But seriously, who would have thought Archie, Jughead and the gang would make for a hot teen drama?

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Full disclosure, I am a sucker for trashy TV. Reality shows, yes. Dramas, you betcha. Teen Dramas? You have my complete attention there. This summer I binged the entire 90210 reboot on Netflix. I signed the petition to #BringBackNashville. And here I am, fully onboard for the Riverdale TV show, something I’d been looking forward to for months now. Even more so, since ‘Stranger Things’ cast member Shannon Purser (aka KWEEN BARB) signed on to play Ethel Muggs. (I swear on all that is holy, CW, if you kill her on this show, you will have to answer to ME.)

I’ll be the first to say that Riverdale, as a premise for a show, is utterly ridiculous. It is the raunchy, gritty, Archie we never needed. The writing is subpar at best, and the slutty Twin Peaks’ aesthetic is impossible to ignore. But GODDAMN AM I HOOKED.

Let’s start with Exhibit A, Archie Andrews.

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Seriously. That’s him.

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Yes, guys. Archie. The dude who wore sweater vests in the majority of those comics. He has abs for days.In all seriousness, ‘Riverdale’ Archie is a babe. And the guy who plays him is Australian. How can we go wrong here? Archie is the FUCKING MAN. He’s got this brooding bad boy lurking underneath his boy next door persona. He’s starting to write AND play his own music! He plays football! Hangs out with hot girls! And still has time to bang his teacher!

 

If you just heard the sound of brakes screeching to a halt, good, you’ve been paying attention. If you didn’t, go back and reread the last line of the above paragraph. Yep, you saw that correctly. Archie is boning Ms. Geraldine Grundy.

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Yes, that Miss Grundy. Isn’t her outfit the epitome of style? Only she doesn’t look this way on the CW. No, no. She looks like this instead.

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Quite the difference from page to screen, there. And no, clearly the CW writers didn’t consider how weird it was to have these old fashioned names in a modern day show. I never thought I’d say that Miss Grundy was bangin’, but here we are.  Since the actors are probably the same age, their tryst doesn’t seem weird to someone casually viewing the show, but when you consider that he’s supposed to be underage, and not like, he’s a senior in high school underaged…more like…HE’S A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL. Ew. Miss Grundy. Control your loins. What’s worse, Archie seems to be in love with her.  Yikes.

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That’s pretty bad news for Betty, who is (unintentionally) comically friendzoned by Archie at the end of this episode. Bummer.

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But speaking of Betty, while as a solo character she hasn’t won me over yet, the Betty/Veronica dynamic is AMAZING. I love that they didn’t take the typical “GRR I LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND, NOW WE MUST FIGHT AND HATE ONE ANOTHER IMMEDIATELY” route, and that Veronica actually seems to be morally aware. Veronica, by the way, is completely spot on. They seem to have done away with her more ditzy side, and have portrayed her as the new girl in town, soon to be head bitch in charge. Oh, and if you grew up reading Archie comics and had high hopes for Betty and Veronica to make out for no specific reason, you’re in luck!

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I thought it was kind of shitty of the writers to put a “two girls kissing for attention” thing in there, especially when they were tauting themselves in their promos as more culturally aware, having LGBT+ characters in the show. This type of stuff, to me at least, seems like a setback. But back to that head bitch in charge thing…

 

Any Archie readers remember this vixen? Cheryl Blossom, the character that was deemed “too sexual for a children’s comic”. Seriously, I remember reading some Archie comics with her in them and being SERIOUSLY uncomfortable. ‘Riverdale’s’ incarnation of Cheryl also makes me uncomfortable. The main plot this season seems to be centered around Cheryl and her twin brother, Jason Blossom. The Blossom twins, from my perspective, seem to have some incestuous crap going on, and Cheryl Blossom seems like she’s off her rocker. She’s got all the sass of Regina George, mixed with a bit of Alison DiLaurentis (Pretty Little Liars) craziness. She’s head cheerleader, of course, and she seems to want to make Betty, specifically, suffer.

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The actress playing her nails the mixture of creepy/bitchy and is a perfect dynamic to throw into the whole Betty/Veronica shenanigans. It’ll be nice for them to have a common enemy, and I’m intrigued to know what’s in store for Cheryl Blossom.

Other highights of the ‘Riverdale’ premiere include super-out-of the closet Kevin Keller and hiding-in-the closet/hung like a horse/ secretly going to get a blowjob from Kevin by the river Moose, potential incest plotline featuring the Blossom twins, dead people in the river where in the closet gays go to get their dick sucked,  an Archie and Veronica make out scene, Luke Perry as Archie’s dad, and my personal favorite –a  Josie and the Pussycats cast entirely by African American actresses. And they are fucking FIERCE.

 

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I’m already looking forward to their return, hopefully actual songs that will be released on iTunes as well, and to see what role they play in Riverdale.

I’ll definitely be tuning into Riverdale for the foreseeable future. We still have to see hipster/sexually ambiguous Jughead (Played by Cole Sprouse) and solve a murder, people! Oh, and hopefully we can see some more shirtless Archie, too.

 

Riverdale: These are not the innocuous Archie comics of your childhood.

Riverdale: These are not the innocuous Archie comics of your childhood.

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S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Up!: Beginning of the End

It’s finale time, Evil Geeks! After a season that some said started off painfully slow and a roller-coaster of a back-end of the season, Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD finally wrapped up its first season this week in typical Marvel Cinematic U fashion; with action, intrigue, plot twists, and a guest cameo.  With SHIELD on the ropes and Hydra on the upswing, will Coulson and his chosen team be able to overcome the nefarious powerhouse trio of Garrett, Ward, and of course the cybernetic hench droid, Deathlok?  Let’s get to the reviewing!

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S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Up!: Nothing Personal & Ragtag

Excelsior True Believers!

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OK, so we’re almost to the end of the season for S.H.I.E.L.D. and I’ve got a two-part review here for you and all I can say is dammmmnnnn…. it’s really been a wild ride and has really opened up the Marvel Cinematic U in my opinion. The last place that C-Mart left us off is that May is gone, Scarface Ward is back and he’s super creepy and has killed Agent Koenig and has basically kidnapped Skye (although she was kinda playing him) and the team no longer has The Bus. Given the fact that we’re only a couple days from the end of the first season these episodes have kinda pulled out all the stops, so c’mon, keep on reading!

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S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Up!: The Only Light In the Darkness

 

Hey there Evil Geeks,  the craziness that has been Agents of Shield continues this week as we get a look at another Marvel U supervillain, we say goodbye to a very welcome recent addition who will be sorely missed, Ward continues to be an A-1 piece of crap, and we finally meet that special cellist in Phil Coulson’s life. Read on Agents of the Evil Geeks!

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S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Up!: Providence

Hey There Fanboys and Geekgirls

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I know that I’m a bit late with this, but damn I gotta talk about this past week’s S.H.I.E.L.D. This show has been a roller coaster as of late, so much so that we dedicated our last podcast to it in fact. Anyway this is where we’re at; coming right out of Cap 2, S.H.I.E.L.D. is in ruins and HYDRA has reared its ugly head and has infiltrated the organization. Our team has been jumping around looking for the Clairvoyant and come to find out that it’s been John Garrett all along and he’s had an inside man pulling some strings with none other than Grant Ward. So what can Coulson and company do now? Read on to find out!

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S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Up!: Turn, Turn, Turn

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Evil Geeks, it wasn’t that long ago, perhaps maybe 3 or 4 months back when this show was first getting off the ground that one of our readers said in the comment section that they were waiting for Agent’s of SHIELD to have a “HOLY SHIT!!!” moment to really get them into the story.  I assured them that with Joss Whedon at the helm, this show would most certainly have a moment like that in store for the audience.  After the first half of the season I was starting to worry that I would have to eat those words, but the second half of the season has been EXPLOSIVE beyond all hopes, with nearly every single episode giving us a jaw dropper.   With surprise after surprise being rained down on us, would the Marvel U’s first foray into television be able to keep us in suspense? After Turn, Turn, Turn, the answer to that question is a resounding “YYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!”

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