Ok folks, this week I’ve got a special post for you just in time for the next episode. Why special? Well, you know my reviews always come speckled with spoilers. This week it will come speckled with politics as well. You have been warned. Move on if you don’t want to hear my politic opinion and how it related to TWD, but I promise to not get too deep or angry.
Happy weekend Star Wars nerds! Today we are venturing a little bit aways from Jabba’s Palace though staying on the planet of Tatooine. Today we meet a monster that will bring you a thousand deaths over centuries, a creature used for torture and punishment, an alien that should be both feared and revered: The Sarlacc.
Disclaimer: Before anyone goes crazy over this article, calm the fuck down. It’s mostly fictional in terms of the methods, and is meant to be funny and informative. Besides, it’s not like I’m the one that came up with these. So keep that in mind while reading and enjoy, or cry at these horrible things.
Welcome back to your little slice of hell and damnation. I, of course, am your fearless and fear mongering leader, Arthur Harkness. A little bit of a backstory on this one before we dive right in, I have been rewatching Oz recently, and in between massive amounts of dicks and betrayal, there is some brutal killing. It kind of got me thinking to be honest. If I were in prison, or anywhere, what would be my most preferred method of going out? Would it be in battle? Would it be in defense of someone I care about? I thought about this for about an hour before becoming increasingly bored……and then it hit me. Instead of what fashion of death I would choose, which method of life banishment would be the worst to receive? My mind went into combustion overdrive, and started thinking of every method of death that I have read, watched, listened to or performed in video games. Buckle in you bastards, because this one doesn’t end well for anyone.
5. The Brazen (bronze) Bull
For fucks sakes guys, some people back in the day were fucked up. Take a look at this for example. They must have really hated you if you were condemned to this way of meeting your end. As a means for torturing executing criminals and general dick-fors, the brazen bull was meant to literally roast you alive while you sit inside and do nothing but scream and shit yourself. They would put you inside of the bull, and then light a fucking fire beneath it just to keep you warm and roasty. Good god just thinking about it is making me sweat. I can’t even imagine the sheer horror and sense of hopelessness and fear that would overcome you while inside of this animal…..perverts. I fucking hate the summer let alone being given a personal August hell inside of a giant metal bull. We all know that back in the day people were pretty much killed for next to nothing, so being put into this thing could have been your worst nightmare, or something you deserved. Either way, I don’t want any part of this thing. Moving on.
Hello my fellow creature-loving comrades, hope you enjoyed last week’s first edition of “Creature Comforts”, and as promised your weekend is now officially more enhanced with this second publication of Your Weekend Creature Comforts. Now I know a lot of you are waiting for the inevitable Star Wars creature editions that someone like me is sure to write, but sadly you are just going to have to wait a little longer and keep coming back for more. They are sure to come, but I have had a specific creature on my mind recently thanks to a recent book I read, which I will leave for the “favorite conclusion” later on.
The stellar creature featured this weekend is the harpy. This miscreant has been around for a long time in human mythology, and it’s unique portrayal in one of my new favorite book series inspired me to research and uncover all that I could for your reading pleasure.