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The Evil Geeks Top 5 Thunderdome Throwdown: How to Survive a Horror Movie?

Hey Geeks!

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It’s been a while since we did a top 5, but our friends at Mancrates.com asked us what our ultimate list of items we’d need to survive a horror movie might be. Now that right there is an excellent question! In fact, so excellent that it takes more than one Evil Geek to give a great answer since there are all different types of movies in the genre, so keep reading to see what the Geeks need to survive!!!

ARTHUR HARKNESS

I would like to start off just by saying that I am omitting the use of supernatural or magical means of surviving in a horror movie…mainly because that’s all I was going to use. I really did just want to lightning the fuck out of everything, but considering that most horror movies, with some exclusions, revolve around your everyday, normal human being attempting to overcome the odds, I will stick to just the usual means of survival…unfortunately. Counting down…

5.) Any type of bladed object

There is almost nothing as handy as solid steel in your hands when you’re involved in some sort of survival situation. Take Liam Neeson and those wolves. They show up in the middle of the night, kidnap his wife, and then start eating the souls of all the neighborhood children. He is left with no other choice but to murder them with extreme prejudice. Like, I’m saying he made up derogatory names for wolves….and they sounded pretty wolfist. A knife is going to be a pretty solid bet to ensure your heart remains beating well beyond whatever nightmare you currently find yourself in. It’s easily carried, handles pretty well, and can go easily in and out of rotting demon flesh. If you happen to have a sword, spear or axe in your possession, you chances of staying alive have almost infinitely expanded, just like the open chest cavity of whatever fell beast has dared to balk at you.

4.) Food

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I actually debated on whether or not you would really need food in most horror movies, but in terms of a zombie apocalypse, fuck yes you will. If you are being chased by Jason Voorhees, grabbing a quick sandwich is most likely not on your mind, but trying to live in a world where almost every other person is trying to eat you, you’re going to need to find some grub. It’s a stark change in tactics when you are being hunted on a single night, maybe even two, as compared to when you have to make a living in a doomed world that has been stripped of nearly every goddamn twinkie, Baconator, and whatever else is considered food these days. I’d rather take Jason. Read the rest of this entry

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Horror of Horrors: Tucker and Dale Vs Evil

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Welcome all of you ghouls, gals and everything in between to your favorite slice of internet dismemberment. I, of course, and don’t adjust your computer screens as I know it’s been a while, am Arthur Harkness and it feels good to be giving you all another dose of horror to sink your teeth into. You guys know my feelings on horror movie high school kids and how most horror movie monsters were bred specifically to cull those blood sucking parasites from the face of the earth, but there is another group of fucking leaches who are just as bad or worse…..college kids. Ugh, just thinking about it makes my blood boil. But Arthur, how and why are college kids so bad? Well, let me tell you by using the phenomenal Tucker and Dale vs Evil as a sort of backdrop for their shenanigans and bullshit. I love this game….it’s my favorite.

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Horror of Horrors: Connecting The Dots To High School

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Please understand this is a work of fiction. If anything comes close to home for anyone, I apologize but once again, this is a work of fiction. Enjoy!!

Oh god what am I doing? In between scouring the internet for a possible article that has been stabbing and draining my brain for the past couple days, I found myself perusing my memory and thinking about high school and all of the horrors that involved making it through daily life as high school student. Why would I do that you ask? To be honest, I have no fucking idea, but out of the ashes of torment, comes a spark of imagination that sort of took over my brainwaves and made me think a little bit more abstractly in terms of my high school career. How is it that I never realized that high school, in bits and pieces, is essentially a horror movie come to life, and all of the players have been selected for you and placed upon a chessboard that spans 4 years worth of your time and life? It’s a wonder anyone makes it out alive. Connecting the dots from high school to horror movie should have been more difficult, but surprisingly, and albeit a bit depressingly , it was all too easy. Let’s see what we came up with, shall we?

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Villain Spotlight: Teenagers

And now…..time for something completely different. Happy end of the week to all of you out there. Aaaah Fridays, the last bastion of the professional adult. Every day that leads to the end of this day is like a battle of wills with a gigantic dick monster that wants nothing more than to fuck you, and all you want is to be left alone to do whatever it is you want to do. Such is life in this world, but Fridays also bring you something else besides a brief respite, and that is the Villain Spotlight. In keeping up with the current Halloween theme, today I am going to give you all somewhat of a reverse article, but still filled with pure villainy. When you think about Horror movies, you automatically think the killer is the villain, but we tend to forget that most of the time the killer has some kind of motive. Maybe he was left to drown while some people went out back to bang? Maybe they were burned alive because of a slight misunderstanding……no that one was legit. But still, the recurring theme in most Horror movies is that teenagers are fucking idiots, and they all deserve to die in some fashion. Fucking teenagers.

texas chainsaw teens

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