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30 Days Hath Novembeard – Smorgasbeard Finale

Finally, we’d like to take a moment to honor the forgotten beards. Those bearded men who, throughout the month of November, slipped through our fingers.

Let’s say the evil Black Diamond terrorist cell seizes an Alpine resort, and GI Joe needs to send an agent to rescue the hostages. You’d better believe they’ll turn to Snowjob, their resident skiing-themed agent. Also? I think that insincere suggestion I made might be the coolest idea for a Snowjob story to date.

Brock Samson grow a beard (and a gut) between seasons of the Venture Brothers, but it wasn’t long before he was clean-shaven and back down to fighting weight.

In Marvel’s Wha…Huh? one-shot a few-years back, Mark Millar and Jim Mahfood treated us to a bewhiskered version of the Avengers. And we never got the chance to thank them!

In the Justice League animated series 2-parter Hereafter, Superman is catapulted through time to a post-apocalyptic wasteland where he becomes a sort of Sci-Fi barbarian until an unlikely ally comes to his aid. Definitely worth a look, if you haven’t seen it.

I pity the fool who don’t take his glamor shots seriously! Mr. T’s bearded face adorned our televisions, lunchboxes, and even our cereal boxes for the good part of the decade. He reminded us to drink our milk, he treated his mother like a saint, and he could turn any vehicle into a tank over the course of a 2 minute montage.

Extra points to any God that has a beard, a lot of them can choose what form to take and they purposely pick one with a beard.

I couldn’t leave out hobo ass kicking Matt Murdock from the Daredevil Born Again storyline. It’s such a rarity seeing Murdock with facial that I literally had to take a picture of the panel because I couldn’t find a decent one online.

Seneca Crane, head Gamemaker in The Hunger Games, sports the sweetest beard I’ve ever seen. May the Beard be ever in your favor.

Now you can put Seneca’s beard on anyone!

How can we not honor this facial hair? This man is directly responsible for a significant portion of the billions of potato fragments found in beards each year.

I really just wanted to write about Wilson, but since he doesn’t have a beard, I guess we’ll include Tom Hanks

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30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 29

The secret of the Stark armor: It’s actually made by Norelco.

The Novembeard finish line is finally within site!  We’ve been going through a veritable who’s who of the beard world this month and for the penultimate salute to facial fur, we’ve saved the ultimate uber-geek:  Tony Stark!  Aside from Reed Richards, Tony’s the brainiest guy in the Marvel Universe. He’s got a TON of cash and he manages to reel in a non-stop stream of ladies. There is simply no other goatee as powerful as the one adorning the inside of the Iron Man helmet.  This fashion forward facial hair can afford to buy and sell anyone on the planet! It’s half a beard, but it’s still got enough clout to run the show in the Marvel U!  Sure, there have been a few missteps in this beards career, no one’s going to argue that.  Maybe we had a little bit of a Skrull infestation under the watchful gaze of this glorious beard.  There was also that unfortunate business with a Hulk invasion and maybe Tony eventually ended up resigning in disgrace as the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. but you know what? No one’s perfect, so don’t blame the beard.  He wasn’t the one calling the shots, he was just along for the ride.

That’s not sweat running down his face, that’s vodka. Pure, unadulterated, vodka.

That’s a confident beard, a mighty beard.  A beard that counts a thunder-god and a living WWII legend among his best friends.  Gone are the days when that beard was basically a gin sponge; that’s now a beard of authority!  Just look at it; perfectly symmetrical, not a single follicle out-of-place, and angles razor-sharp enough to shred an entire head of cabbage.  That’s a beard that’s had the pleasure of teasing the inner thighs of many a gorgeous Marvel U heroine.  Just ask the Black Widow!  That’s a beard deserving, nay, DEMANDING respect!  Skrull children tell ghost stories and hold candles in front of mirrors during midnight seances chanting “BLOODY TONY, BLOODY TONY!!” whilst cowering in fear of the ferocity of that beard!  It spends so much time shielded behind the face plate of Tony’s armor, not because it needs to be defended from evil doers, NO! It’s shielded because those evil doers need to be shielded from IT! Beards like this are specifically why we created Novembeard, that’s why we’re dedicating today’s post to Tony Stark!

Tony may be a little banged up, but the goatee? Still sparklingly impeccable!

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30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 28

Hello True Believers!

All month long we’ve been bringing you stories of great men with greater beards who were brave, wise, cracked-out crazy, or all of the above. Today I’m throwing all of geekdom a curveball to bring you a beard like no other, one of an cranky old robot…thats right, today we talk Jetfire!

Hey you young kids…Who’s stealin’ my energon!

Michael Bay brought us three Transformers movies that were cool to look at but hurt your brain to watch, but in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen he gave us a pretty fun take on Jetfire. In the G1 cartoon, Jetfire (who they actually called Starfire) was a Decepticon scientist who worked with Starscream on Cybertron. He crashed to Earth and was frozen in ice a’la Captain America. The Decepticons found him, thawed him out, and tried to convert him to their evil ways. He changed his mind and pissed of his BFF Starscream and jumped ship to the good guys. In the movie we find that we was an old Decepticon baddie too, but jumped ship to the good guys after The Fallen had double-crossed him. He was “sleeping” in the Smithsonian until he was revived with a piece of the All Spark. He wakes up like a cranky old guy with dementia, and he has a built-in Space Bridge to keep kids off his lawn.

Bay’s take on Transformers can be annoying, but I’ll take this cranky old bot over the nerdy pacifist scientist any day of the week!

I love the character simply because he is so mad and old! He hunches over, walks around with a cane and sounds like an old British pirate. Plus he’s got this awesome old-man mangey robot beard….which leads me to the question, why do the old Transformers have beards? Seriously? Were they born that way, or did they transform one day and are just like…hey, whats this? And if so, how do they shave? The old Transformers beard thing goes back to G1 where Alpha Trion had a beard too? I always thought as a kid that they were just going for a wise, Papa Smurf thing with that guy but then they flashback to 70’s porn-stache Alpha Trion? Don’t try to figure it out, it was 80’s cartoons! Either way, sit down and watch Revenge of the Fallen, fast forward about 40 minutes into the movie and you’ll get to check out the awesomeness of Jetfire and then crack up as this grumpy old man bumbles through this movie like Grampa Simpson without his meds, occasionally dispensing a wise lesson in between yelling at Shia Labeouf for getting Optimus killed in the first place! Also, make sure to leave us some comments if you lay in bed at night wondering about robot beards too!

The facial hair evolution of Alpha Trion!
I guess robots can “grow” beards after all?

Later Nerds…make sure to come back tomorrow as we
wind down to the end of Novembeard!

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30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 26

Hello Nerd Nation

As we wind down Novembeard I had to throw out one of the best beards the comic industry has even seen…Batman!

Hello Kids, Make sure you eat your vegetables and abide by all rules of the road.

Whats that, Batman you say? Well, Batman’s beard story goes way back, but first you have to understand DC’s stance when it comes to Bat-Facial Hair…they don’t like it, not at all. In fact, Kevin Smith was telling a story on his Fatman on Batman podcast a few months ago talking about how DC wouldn’t even let him throw 5 o’clock shadow of the bat on good ‘ol Brucie and that was one of their only rules. So after hearing this, I began a search and realized that the only time that Batman grows facial hair is when he has cracked. He had a stache in Frank Miller’s Dark Knight, some stubble in both All-Star Batman and Robin and the new Batman Court of the Owls storyline, and a hipster/hermit goatee in this summers Dark Knight movie. But good ‘ol Bats tweaked out in the early ’90’s and went full beard. The book was Legends of the Dark Knight and the storyline was Venom. Venom? You mean the Spidey baddey? Nope, actually Venom is the super-steroid fuel that powers Bane. So this is a Bane story then? Nope again, this story superseded the first appearance of Bane by a couple of years at least, but its still a good read.

Oh Bruce…Did you wet the bed again while sleeping in the cave?

I don’t want to give anything away because I really want you to read this, but I’ll give you the gist. Basically, Batman is just a normal guy, he’s a complete badass, but still just a normal guy. No fancy ring, no super speed, or heat vision, but still Bats always wins, right? Well, not this time. Venom starts out with Batman losing, losing really bad in fact, so bad that Bruce can’t take it and he cracks. He realizes that he’s just a guy and maybe he shouldn’t do this unless he can do it perfectly, so he resorts to Venom; a new super-steroid drug that can enhance the Batman. As you can imagine, he thinks that he can handle it and like any good After School Special from the ’80s, everything spins out of control. But back to the beard… Bats grows an enormous beard while he’s in a puddle of self doubt in the cave, in fact this is some crazy mountain-man beard to rival Ron Burgundy’s after he was fired from the Channel 4 news team! Anyway, back to the story. If your a beard or a bat-fan you have to read it, its got it all; Batman, Beards, Drug Use and Abuse, and Venom (which is a huge piece in Bane’s backstory.) I promise that Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight – Venom doesn’t disappoint!

It’s my pity party, dammit!

Come back tomorrow… Same Beard Time, same Beard Channel as we continue to wind down Novembeard!

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30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 25

We’re so close to the end, my friends. Today’s beard is a famous one, but one that’s somehow been forsaken in the past year or so. I, myself, think it’s an important part of the face to which it’s attached but the CW and the New 52 have made it quite clear that they disagree. Naturally, I’m referring to the Van Dyke which adorns the face of Oliver Queen.

Or as you may know him: The Green Arrow!
(Or just “Arrow” if you’re a philistine.)

The Green Arrow (as is woefully apparent on the CW series that bears part of his name) started out as a pretty shameless Batman ripoff. He had a teen sidekick, a stylized car, and a quiver full of gimmicky gadgets. So, it’s no wonder he was quickly relegated to the B List. To his credit, he was a member of the Justice League of America, but then again who wasn’t? And this was the face of that laughable loser.

He’s the clean shaven guy on the left, not the mustachioed stereotype on the right.

It would not be until years later that the Green Arrow could actually be taken seriously. Denny O’Neil and Neal Adams gave the character his first taste of sweet, sweet credibility when they partnered him up with Hal Jordan in “Green Lantern/Green Arrow”. They gave the two a sort of buddy cop dynamic, Jordan was the by-the-books and almost naive space policeman while Oliver was the savvier, more liberal-thinking moral anchor.  He would point out the ironically narrow view of a man who had seen distant planets, he’d give him a bit of shit for thinking he had things figured out. And occasionally, Hal would get him back by be extraordinarily insensitive in emotionally trying times.

Hey fuckface, your sidekick has a serious problem.

We should all be so lucky as to have friends like that.

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*Hey, leave us a comment if you’ve been growing a beard this month. Even if we don’t include it in the last post, we still get off on that kind of stuff.  Stay sexy, geeks.

30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 23

Hello Nerds

So at this point of your day I am guessing that you are either waiting in a line, or you’ve been up since yesterday and have shopped for the last 6 hours so your ready to crash. Either way, Black Friday signals the start of the dreaded Holiday Season so who better to highlight for today’s Novembeard than the most evil elf himself…Santa Claus!

All Earthlings are Naughty…Ho Ho Ho!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for like, forever. Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, or just Santa) is a mythical, historical, and legendary figure who brings toys to all the kids of the world in a single night, December 24th….pretty badass if you ask me. The awesomeness of Santa in my opinion is that because of his legendary status and since he is in the public domain you have a bunch of different interpretations of him which are friggin awesome! But at the end of the day, the one and only Santa that I believe in has got to be none other than Robot Santa Claus from Futurama.

And you thought you were getting a Wii U this year!

Robot Santa was created in the year 2801 by The Friendly Robot Company to judge people and decide whether they are naughty or nice and dole out presents accordingly, but due to a programming error his standards were set way too high so he judges everyone as naughty. Santa Bot shows up on X-Mas Eve and punishes the naughty with extreme prejudice using X-Mas-themed weapons of mass destruction! Plus, Santa is virtually indestructible, he’s survived explosions, burning rocket exhaust, and a logical paradox (which has been known to kill other robots.) When not handing out jolly justice, Santa can be found in his Death fortress on the planet Neptune always watching the people of Earth and preparing for next X-Mas. So you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout….or Santa will throw a mistletoe-bomb at your ass this holiday season!

Santa Bot hanging with his only peeps, Kwanzabot and Chanuka Zombie.

Get out there and buy awesome shit at 60% off today…
Come back for more Novembeard tomorrow!

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