Not long ago, the Evil Geeks held court at the Albany Comic Con. And while the camphor and mentholyptus we rubbed on our stiff upper lips distracted us from the unpleasant smells afoot that afternoon, we still needed distraction from the boredom that plagued us. And thus, the rogue Biff Tannen devised an exercise that was both entertaining and productive: a groupwide collaborative artistic effort. In essence, a sort of “We Are The World” composed of pencil strokes rather than voices, but an all star assortment nonetheless.
The came the question of a topic. What subject could possibly allow for the wildly diverse styles and the unpredictably unusual choices of our artists? Why, their artistic choices seem to almost come from entirely separate universes! Eu-motherfucking-reka! Crisis on Infinite Earths from DC Comics and Secret Wars (The current series which has unashamedly stolen the plot of the former) would afford our creators the perfect opportunity to use any character they like and to render them as unusually as they undoubtedly would. The game was thenceforth afoot.
I sat on the sidelines as the aforementioned Biff Tannen, his frequent collaborator/competitor Arthur Harkness, and newcomers to the game C-Mart and Big Evil sketched out two pages worth of epic Universe-shattering action. A few visitors to the table even got in on the fun. It truly is, as I am assured the children still say, a “Jam Piece”.
I’m not one for ado, and I cannot imagine your tastes run so dissimilar to mine as to welcome it, so let us not tarry any further. I give you the two pages that comprise our INFINITY WARS.
First, the Marvel side of things:
And then DC:
Excuse the crudity of this coming statement, but hold on to your butts and try not to shit your britches, because what’s to come will leave your jaw agape in awe.
Are you ready?
I’m not kidding around… take a moment if needed.
Although I am indisputably a child of the X-Men generation, my heart has always belonged on a very important level to the Fantastic Four. My first experience with FF comics came well after my early encounters with Spider-Man and the X-Men, but there was always something about the dynamic of the Fantastic Four that drew me in. Perhaps it’s because I, myself, came from a large family and the relationship between that team is very much that of a family. Perhaps it was the fact that one Christmas of 1991 I received a video cassette copy of “The Menace of Magneto”, an episode of the 1970s Fantastic Four cartoon in which Reed, Sue, Ben and H.E.R.B.I.E. take down the Master of Magnetism himself, with the help of a WOODEN GUN(!?!?!).
As I’ve mentioned on precisely one occasion before, I am a time traveler.
And as such, I’ve brought with me to this era a wealth of information from my own time. All the same, with each passing day I learn something new about this era. In this new segment, I shall share with you my initial reactions to the media of your day. One thing I should mention, though, is that “your day” is a much wider concept in your time. My cohorts in evil have informed me that a review of the 1977 film Star Wars would be superfluous in the world of 2013, so I’ll try and refrain from anything too well-covered, but I will likely touch upon some items that are not exactly topical.
Continuing our series of whisker editorials, today’s focus is the King of the Seven Seas! None other than
Okay. Aquaman is a joke. This is not news, and it’s not my personal opinion; It’s a fact, and it’s one that DC has long been aware of. They’ve tried a number of things to get folks to take the character more seriously, and recently they seem to have struck gold. Aquaman’s current book is outselling a lot of other series and he’s being depicted as a leader of men instead of a leader of dolphins. In his solo series he’s clean shaven, in the Justice League he’s got a light scruff.That’s all fine and dandy, but when I was a lad he had a full, glorious beard.
While I question the logic of growing a beard underwater from a fluid dynamics standpoint, this definitely won Aquaman some bad-ass points in the 90s. I think most people assumed he couldn’t grow a beard (or pubes) so having him come to the party looking like Chuck Norris showed them a thing or two. And it also gave him an air of regality that was lacking in the past. It was a lot easier to believe he was royalty between the beard and the way he was written in the Grant Morrison JLA series. So, while the beard doesn’t necessarily make the mer-man, it certainly doesn’t hurt. Plus, the rugged facial hair might give Aquaman the edge over the Sub-Mariner … unless you give Namor a beard, too!
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