Hi Evil Geeks…
The title says it all…it’s with sad news that we lose both Saruman the White and The American Dream in the same day…damn.
Let’s take a moment of silence and reflect…
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Disclaimer: Before anyone goes crazy over this article, calm the fuck down. It’s mostly fictional in terms of the methods, and is meant to be funny and informative. Besides, it’s not like I’m the one that came up with these. So keep that in mind while reading and enjoy, or cry at these horrible things.
Welcome back to your little slice of hell and damnation. I, of course, am your fearless and fear mongering leader, Arthur Harkness. A little bit of a backstory on this one before we dive right in, I have been rewatching Oz recently, and in between massive amounts of dicks and betrayal, there is some brutal killing. It kind of got me thinking to be honest. If I were in prison, or anywhere, what would be my most preferred method of going out? Would it be in battle? Would it be in defense of someone I care about? I thought about this for about an hour before becoming increasingly bored……and then it hit me. Instead of what fashion of death I would choose, which method of life banishment would be the worst to receive? My mind went into combustion overdrive, and started thinking of every method of death that I have read, watched, listened to or performed in video games. Buckle in you bastards, because this one doesn’t end well for anyone.
5. The Brazen (bronze) Bull
For fucks sakes guys, some people back in the day were fucked up. Take a look at this for example. They must have really hated you if you were condemned to this way of meeting your end. As a means for torturing executing criminals and general dick-fors, the brazen bull was meant to literally roast you alive while you sit inside and do nothing but scream and shit yourself. They would put you inside of the bull, and then light a fucking fire beneath it just to keep you warm and roasty. Good god just thinking about it is making me sweat. I can’t even imagine the sheer horror and sense of hopelessness and fear that would overcome you while inside of this animal…..perverts. I fucking hate the summer let alone being given a personal August hell inside of a giant metal bull. We all know that back in the day people were pretty much killed for next to nothing, so being put into this thing could have been your worst nightmare, or something you deserved. Either way, I don’t want any part of this thing. Moving on.
I may not have a full understanding of the plot unleashed on Jonathan Hickman’s first issue of East Of West but I know that I love it. It’s a book about an alternate history of America and the world…it’s dark but thanks to artist, Nick Dragotta it looks beautiful.
Marvel sure does love their crossovers, don’t they? Well let’s go back to 1991 when they were less plentiful. The Infinity Gauntlet immediately begins with a prologue of the events from the Rebirth Of Thanos to catch the reader up to speed. The Titan, Thanos in order to do Death’s bidding has collected all six Infinity Gems which give him powers far beyond a God. Literally anything he wishes for or thinks of can be accomplished. Part of the reason Thanos has done this is to impress the lady Death and win her affection. As Martian Luthor Kang put it, “he literally has a hard on for Death”. There is enough weird psychosexual stuff going on here for Freud to write a book about. Thanos plan backfires though since the Infinity Gems made him an entity far beyond that of Death that she can only be subservient to him and not his equal.
I’ve always wanted to read The Infinity Gauntlet. Especially, since we know Thanos will be the villain in the Avengers 2. It was high time for me to get caught up. This trade paperback more or less sets the table and works as a prelude to the Infinity Gauntlet.