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Tales from Westeros: Season 7, Episode 3 “The Queen’s Justice”

Hello there fans and friends, I am your maester of meticulous detail, your staunchest bannerman, your kingsguard of gravitas, Grand Master Zed! We’ve got enough drama to fill Dany’s ego this episode so lets dive into “The Queen’s Justice”.

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On the muddy banks of the Dragonstone, we see my homie J Snow roll up on a rowboat. There, he meets with Tyrion and Missandei along with a host of Dothraki. Tyrion and Jon basically have the “Dylan, you son of a bitch” moment from Predator as they exchange their nicknames and greet each other after a long time. Last these two saw each other was back in season 1. Jon comments on Tyrion’s scars and Tyrion replies “It’s been a long road, but we’re both still here.” This couldn’t be more accurate. Just thinking about the stuff that’s happened to these two men makes my head spin. They’ve both lost lovers, friends and have come in contact with supernatural things beyond imagining. One is the King of the kingdom that’s spat on him for so long and the other is Hand to a queen and at war with his own family. Tyrion and Jon are definitely two of my favorite characters and their development over the series has been incredibly deep. Jon introduces Davos, and Tyrion informs him that they fought against each other on Blackwater Bay. “Unluckily for me.” Davos replies, swallowing the fact that he lost his son to Tyrion’s wildfire. Tyrion introduces Missandei who gives a spiel about gratefulness before asking that they give up their weapons. As a sign of good faith, Jon agrees, which is unpopular among his men. You can almost see him with this look of “Yo this shit is Valyrian steel, I best be gettin this back” on his face as he hands over Longclaw. Davos asks Missandei where he’s from and tries his best to be polite, but just kinda ends up being Davos before lamenting to Jon that “this place has changed.”

Tyrion inquires after Sansa and makes it painfully clear to Jon that he did not do the deed with her during their “sham” marriage. Jon makes it clear that he literally did not ask. Tyrion complements Sansa’s intelligence and hearing Jon claim that Sansa is beginning to show a lot more of her intellect and it seems to please the dwarf. They relate to each other that they’d like to hear how each other came to be in the places they are, probably over some wine. The bromance is real and I love it. Jon laments his decision to come to Dragonstone, and Tyrion agrees, and says he would have advised against it. “Stark men don’t fare well when they travel South.” Tyrion claims, and he’s not wrong. But we’ll get to that in a moment. No sooner do the words “I’m not a Stark” leave Jon’s lips than a dragon come swooping in out of nowhere. You guys reaaally aren’t being subtle are you? Jon and Davos hit the deck, but Tyrion and Missandei stand hard like dragons are no big deal. Tyrion claims you never get used to them, but as was made clear, they are definitely more used to them. Jon and Davos continue their trek as Melisandre looks on from a cliff.

No sooner does that go down than Varys slither up, asking why she didn’t meet the man she begged them to summon. Mel claims she’s done her part by bringing “ice and fire” together. Y’all. If I didn’t punch the closest object to me when I heard that. They keep dropping hints about the overall arc of the story, that possibly Sam Tarly will recount the story as “the song of ice and fire” and that these two individuals, Dany and Jon, will be the prophesied heroes to save the world. Varys taunts Mel by claiming that she enjoys power as much as he does. Mel reveals that she didn’t part on good terms with Jon after the whole burning a child alive thing, and claims she’s on the way to Volantis. Varys is thrilled at the news, and suggest that maybe she stay there, that she isn’t safe in Westeros. Mel claims that she must return one last time. “I have to die in this strange country, just like you.” Whatever this means, it seems to have Varys shook, which doesn’t happen often. I’ve been scratching my head about what this could possibly mean so let me know what you think in the comments down below.

In the throne room, Jon waits along with all of us as all of Dany’s titles are called out. Davos simply replies “This is Jon Snow, he’s King in the North.” Brilliant. Jon and Dany exchange pleasantries as Davos tries to tell her to put some respect on Jon’s name and call him King in the North. Dany does spit some fire back at em as she brings up the last King in the North, Torrhen Stark, famously known as “The King who Knelt”. Except this isn’t true because rich homie Robb Stark was techincally the last King in the North. Never forget my boy the Young Wolf. Torrhen bent the knee to Aegon the Conqueror in order to save the lives of his men, before Aegon melted them with his dragons. Torrhen swore fealty to house Targaryen “in perpetuity”, which, as Tyrion points out, means forever. Jon refuses to bend the knee, because Dany’s dad burned Jon’s grandad and uncle alive. Dany asks for Jon’s forgiveness and admits her dad was crazy. “I ask you not to judge a daughter by the sins of her father. Which is very similar to what Jon said about the Umber and Karstark kids when Sansa wanted to punish them for their dads being traitors. Dany points out that with a Targ on the throne, and a Stark as Warden of the North, the realm was peaceful for centuries. She asks him once again to bend the knee.

“You’re right.” replies Jon, as I have a small heart attack. “You’re not guilty of your father’s crimes, nor am I beholden to my ancestor’s vows.” You can see Dany’s face change ever so slightly and she asks why he came if he isn’t gonna bend the knee. Jon replies, “Because I need your help and you need mine” as I leap out of my seat with joy. Dany decides to really swing her dick around and mention her dragons and the Dothraki. Davos makes it clear that she doesn’t need their help to take the throne, and Jon understands that she’s only hesitating in order to save innocent lives, which at the very least makes her better than Cersei. Jon explains the army of the dead and he rightfully sounds crazy, but Dany is pretty much only concerned about herself in a shocking turn of events no one saw coming. Jon throws down the gauntlet that if the dead make it past the Wall, the whole world is finished. Dany launches into a monologue about, you guessed it, herself. About how she’s destined to rule and all she’s been through. An impressive speech immediately shut down by Jon’s true claim that she’ll be “ruling over a graveyard” if homie doesn’t catch an assist on the whole Night King thing. Tyrion claims that they’re already at war and can’t just stop it to confront a threat that might not be real on the word of a man they just met. A decent point. Davos steps up to try to assist his boy and says that it’s perfectly understandable that J Snow sounds like a wacko, but Jon isn’t so much unlike Dany herself. “If we don’t put aside our enmities and band together we will die, and then it doesn’t matter whose skeleton sits on the Iron Throne.” Daaaamn, Davos! “Enmities”? Didn’t this guy not know how to read a few seasons ago? I’m loving Davos becoming more eloquent, and he makes a bunch of good points for why Jon is a good guy but gets cut off when he mentions Jon’s betrayal, death and resurrection. Seems Jonny Boy is still a little sore on the subject. Tyrion claims it will just be easier for Jon to bend the knee. There doesn’t seem to be time for that, but Jon points out that he’s not bending the knee for a reason. He doesn’t know Dany, and her entire claim rests on the fact that her crazy ass dad was once king, meanwhile Ned fought to overthrow him. He wishes to remain King in the North. Hell yeah he does. Dany fires back with “BUT MUH BIRTHRIGHT! RIGHTFUL QUEEN! OPEN REBELLION!” Thank god Varys comes in to whisper something in Dany’s ear. Jon and Davos get sent to their rooms. “Am I your prisoner?” Jon asks. “Not yet.” Dany replies. Varys tells the dragon queen of the snafu regarding the ironborn and Dornish, and Dany correctly guesses that one of them might have escaped. This scene was wrought with tension and I’m really glad someone has finally said no to Dany. God knows she takes it so well….

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We cut to the Ironborn scooping Theon out of the water. He is pale and cold, near death. A swarthy ironborn captain steps up and asks if Yara is dead. Theon replies that Euron has captured her, shivering all the while. The captain rags on Theon for not being more courageous and trying to save her. Theon tries to defend himself but is ultimately left shivering, broken and ashamed on the deck of the ship, with not a man to even help him up. The Ironborn truly value strength, courage and valor above all and it’s a real shame to see Theon have to keep being judged by this hypermasculine environment when he did the smart thing and made sure that he could report back to Dany. Another Greyjoy, Euron, parades through the streets of King’s Landing to a heroes welcome. Yara, Ellaria and Tyene are being treated to the Cersei treatment by the common folk while he’s treated to cheers that are (admittedly, out loud) giving him an erection. Euron taunts Theon to Yara’s face. I’m not gonna lie here folks, I kinda love to hate this guy. He’s such a charismatic villain. Crazy, but definitely not as crazy as Ramsay and twice the charm. He’s led into the throne room where Cers sits waiting. Euron presents his “gift” that he said he’d give Cersei, Ellaria and Tyene, in order for her to do justice on behalf of her daughter Myrcella. Ellaria murdered Myrcella with poison last season and Cersei is definitely not one to forget when it comes to her children. Cersei praises him and calls him a true friend to the crown. Euron hints that he’s tryna smash but Cersei lets him know that she isn’t down until the war is won. Cersei rouses the people with a speech and Jaime and Euron talk shit back and forth for a sec. Euron really steps it up when he asks for sex advice from Jaime, most importantly if she likes a finger in the ass. You can tell that Jaime really wants to kill Euron, but he’s waaay too important to them. I’m really simultaneously loving and hating Euron, and I’m excited to see what delicious villainy he gets up to.

Down in the Black Cells, Cersei, with Robert Strong (aka the Undead Mountain) looking on, monologues all evil-like to her bound and gagged captives, Ellaria and Tyene. She taunts Ellaria about Oberyn’s death, gets angry at her for killing Myrcella, and sniffs around Tyene. Ellaria tries to get to her, but her chains stay her feet as Cersei rolls through all of the ways she was going to punish her. She kisses Tyene out of nowhere and wipes her lips. The same way Ellaria killed Myrcella, poisonous lipstick, and with the same poison as Qyburn points out. “The Long Farewell” will apparently take hours, possibly days to kill its victim, but death is certain and Tyene’s fate is sealed. Cersei drinks the antidote. “Your daughter will die here in this cell, and you will be here watching when she does. You will be here the rest of your days. If you refuse to eat, we will force food down your throat. You will live to watch your daughter rot. To watch that beautiful face collapse into bone and dust, all the while contemplating the choices you have made. Make sure the guards change the torches every few hours, I don’t want her to miss a thing.” Damn. Talk about well thought out psychosis. Ellaria and Tyene try desperately to make it to each other but the chains are too short as Cersei walks out of the room the victor. After that, Jaime gets what I can only assume is the blowjob of the century, as I’m sure nothing gets Cersei going like murderous revenge/sadism. The morning after, there’s a knock on the door. Jaime tries to keep their incestual profile low, Cersei is just like “I’m the goddamn queen I will do what I please”. A servant is at the door and tells Cersei that her “visitor from Braavos” has arrived, seeing Jaime clear as day as she does so. How will this affect Cersei’s reign? Will she get away with it? When Robert was king he had many different women but no one said jack about it so obviously the sexual exploits of the rulers are well-known to castle servants. But the queen and her brother? After already being accused by Stannis of being together? Word might get around.

In her chambers, Cersei speaks with Tycho Nestoris, a representative of the Iron Bank of Braavos, whom the crown is in four-year college degree level debt to. The queen pours him some wine which he refuses. Power move. Aint no thang to Cersei, she decides she’s double fisting. No point in wasting good wine. Tycho offers condolences about Tommen, but Cersei sees through it. He begins to praise her, but begins to exploit her position, which is not a good one. Tycho brings up some pretty decent points, their wealthiest allies are now their enemies, they have no money and many contenders for the throne. Cersei has to make the Iron Bank bet on her in the upcoming war but as Tycho points out, Dany has dragons. Cers lets on that she’s got plans for the scaly death machines and brings up Dany screwing over the Iron Bank by abolishing the slave trade. Cersei makes a convincing argument and Tycho is impressed. Cersei tells him to stay in King’s Landing and that her debt will be “paid in full”. With an ally like the Iron Bank and the recent victories Cersei has won, things are looking grim for Dany which I am hella enjoying.

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Back on Dragonstone, Tyrion and Jon are brooding on the same cliff, with Tyrion getting angry that Jon “looks better brooding” than he does. Don’t worry Lil T, he’s had practice. Jon doesn’t like being a prisoner on this island, as they’ve taken his ship. Tyrion tries to debate semantics but Jon’s one track mind wins out again. He reminds him the dead are coming and Tyrion replies that if Jon helps him out with his missing fleet and allies, he’ll try to help him out with his “walking dead men”. Jon thinks Tyrion doesn’t believe him based on a comment he made back in season 1 when he compared the Walkers to “grumpkins and snarks”, scary stories to tell children; not real. Tyrion claims for the record that he actually does believe Jon. That he trusts the eyes of an honest man over the cynicism of the public. Tyrion claims that people aren’t made to deal with a problem that large, that they would rather go for the devil they know (Cersei) than for the devil they don’t (Night King and his army of undead cronies….and giants. Also maybe ice dragon? We’ll see). Jon wants to go back and prepare the North, but Tyrion doesn’t want him to give up that easily. Jon laments making the same mistakes as his father and brother, and calls himself a “Northern fool.” “Children are not their fathers, luckily for all of us.” Tyrion says, distancing himself from his jerk dad, Tywin. Tyrion goes to bat for Dany’s goodness, and advises him to hear out Dany’s inner circle about her. He brings up that its super not realistic of Jon to ask her to go North and fight an enemy she doesn’t believe in on the word of a guy she just met after talking for like 5 minutes and he’s absolutely right. He asks Jon if he has a reasonable request for him to help with and everyone’s mind shoots to dragonglass. Lil T meets with the Caligula of Westeros about it and says that the dragonglass is worthless to them but very valuable to Jon and it might make them better allies if she “gives him something by giving him nothing”. Tyrion thinks Jon is legit for one reason: he’s there. All of his bannermen think he’s crazy for coming but he came anyway. Dany wonders about Davos’s comment a la Jon “taking a knife in the heart for his people” but Tyrion brushes it off as Davos’ flight of fancy. Outside, Jon and Dany meet alone. This is a big deal. Ice and fire together. The two have a bit in common, two lost brothers, young leaders of armies with failures and victories under their belts, crazy pasts. It’s obvious that they’re on the same page now, as Dany allows him to mine the dragonglass. Jon asks her if he believes her, and she just says he should get to work. The worst.

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Back in Winterfell, current Queen in the North, Sansa is handling problems like a boss. Grain shortage? No worries, its tax day on grain just in case everyone needs to chill out in Winterfell. No leather on the armor? It’s the North buddy everyone’s gon be cold if you don’t. As Baelish tells her, command seems to suit her. She’s good at it. Which is really awesome because it shows Sansa has grown and knows a lot more about not only how the game is played but how to play it. Baelish tries to make some BS claims but Sansa utterly dunks on him, as she has been. Petyr starts to get in her head telling her to think like him and examine all possible scenarios so as not to be surprised, and it does seem to affect Sansa, but not so much as what happens next. A page comes to Sansa to tell her someone is at the front gate.  Sansa rushes as we wonder which of the Starks has come home. Is it Arya? Will the two once estranged sisters reunite? Nope, it’s psychic tree boy. Yay…? Sansa is stunned, and Bran, without a bit of emotion simply says, “Hello Sansa” as his sister leaps onto his cripple cart to hold him and sob. Sansa thought Bran died a while ago, back when Theon took over Winterfell, so to see him now after losing Rickon is a big deal for her. The two chill out at the godswood, and Bran is acting weird. Sansa brings up Jon and Bran states that he has to “speak with him”. I think I have a theory on the matter, but let’s go through the scene first. Sansa tries to convince Bran that he should be Lord of Winterfell but he turns it down. He attempts to explain what being the Three Eyed Raven means but Sansa isn’t grasping it. Bran also lets her know that he’s sorry for all that’s happened to her and grieves that it had to happen in their home. He brings up her wedding to Ramsay and it seems to strike a nerve and she leaves, with Bran electing to stay behind. I believe that Bran needs to speak to Jon because he knows he’s not Ned’s son but instead the son of Rheagar and Lyanna, thus in turn making him a Targaryen, based on the vision he had last season. Other than that, we’ll see what else Bran has to tell us in the coming episodes.

At the Citadel, Jorah is being poked and prodded by Archmaester Ebrose, who claims that his greyscale is cured. Jorah tells a lie that the “rest” he got did it. Ebrose declares Jorah non-infectious and says that he wants to speak to Sam that evening. Sam asks Jorah where he’ll go, and Jorah claims he’s going back to Dany, surprising literally zero people. Jorah thanks Sam for saving his life and the two share an un-infectious handshake. I’m excited to see J Bear back in action but what’s gonna happen to poor Sam? Ebrose meets him in his office to scold him, but instead ends up congratulating him. He rewards him by forcing a lot of copy work on Sam, but decides not to kick him out so I guess, give and take. Score one for Sam, and Jorah!

Back at Dragonstone, what’s left of the Revengers go over battle plans. Dany wants to burn Euron’s fleet with dragons, but everyone decides she’s too important to go alone and can’t take the risk. When Casterly Rock gets brought up, things take a tonal turn. I mean Peter Dinklage’s narration of this scene was just auditory sex. Grey Worm and the Unsullied have to deal with some LOTR style fight up the walls while a reserve team headed by Grey Worm pulls a strategic move worthy of the Imp himself. As he explains, Tyrion’s big bad dad, Tywin built everything except the sewers on Casterly Rock, which he thought was beneath him. So in keeping with general douchebag tradition, he gave the job to Tyrion who threw in a little smuggle spot to take his whores. Using this, Grey Worm and the advance team ring true to a quote of Tyrion’s friend Bronn that “give me ten good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch”. The Unsullied make quick work of the Lannister soldiers, but notice there aren’t as many as they thought. Grey Worm asks a dying soldier, “Where are they? Where are the rest of the Lannisters?” Welp, G Dubs, we’re about to find out….but this kinda sucks for the Unsullied. Now, as Euron burns their fleet because he’s Euron, the remaining Unsullied have to march all the way across Westeros to get back to Dragonstone.

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As a whole mess of Lannister soldiers march with Jaime “Goldenhand” Lannister at the helm, and with him are some surprise guests. Both Randyll and Dickon Tarly are present so I guess Jaime’s offer for him to be Warden of the South was too attractive, but our real surprise comes in the form of Bronn, the author of the impregnating quote from earlier. Bronn is one of my favorites in the whole dang series so I’m excited to see him again. The Tyrells. GET. SLAUGHTERED. (If we’re talking from a purely historical perspective here, the Tyrells are supposed to be the French, so that’s hilarious to me and perhaps only me.) Jaime pops in on Olenna who is remarkably restrained to hear of her defeat. “And now the rains weep o’er our halls”, she says, in reference to the lyrics to the Rains of Castamere, which is a song about the Lannisters slaughtering an entire line because they wanted to have a lion sigil. True story. Jaime claims he used his defeat at the hands of Robb Stark at Whispering Wood to his advantage as he used a similar strategy. Jaime has tremendous respect for her in this scene, even when she calls his dead son a cunt, which I’ll chalk up to respect. Jaime tells her all the ways Cersei wanted her to die, but how he talked her out of them. He pulls out a vial of poison and pours it in her wine. “Will there be pain?” she asks. Jaime assures her there won’t. She is relieved, but then begins chugging that glass. And then dear reader, she launches into the roast of the century. One last final barb from the Queen of Thorns where she confesses to murdering Joffery at the so-called “Purple Wedding”. It was called so because of the poison used, called “The Strangler” which turned Joff’s face purple. “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” She asks, perhaps her final request on earth. Jaime, incensed and defeated even in victory, leaves. He leaves to the sounds of the Rains of Castamere. Poetic justice indeed.

Wow, y’all, another bang-up episode. Craziness as far as the eye can see. Good guys slipping up, bad guys winning. Just another day in Westeros. What do you think? Have any theories on what’s going to happen next? Comment down below and I’ll give my thoughts on it next week. Until then, friends and enemies. I’ve been Grand Master Zed and this has been another Tales from Westeros. Valar Morghulis.

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Posted on August 3, 2017, in Tales from Westeros, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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