The Things I Do For Comics – Police Academy The Comic Book
So, you know how I read and review terrible books? Like, the kinds of books you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to have to read? Well, I was given this book so that it could be featured in this series… but little did the gifter suspect that I was such a huge fan of the Police Academy series of films that I was actually almost excited to get into this thing! But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible, so hopefully you can still get some kind of schadenfreude from my having to read it.
For the millenials out there, Police Academy movies were to the 1980s what the Fast and Furious movies are to today: An unrelenting series of formulaic sequels appealing to humanity’s basest desires. But while Fast and Furious movies promise shiny cars racing and shiny musclemen wrestling one another, the Police Academy movies promised (and fucking delivered, I might add) risque humor, sound effects, and (because it was the 80s) actual nudity. Oh, and some of the most insensitive and uninformed portrayals of alternative lifestyles ever committed to celluloid!
This comic was actually an adaptation of the Police Academy TV show. The cartoon, that is, and not the live action series that premiered nearly ten years later. These are all facts, by the way. The Police Academy series of movies… the ones where the protagonist tricks an elderly man into thinking he has fellated him… spawned two TV series, and one of them was a cartoon for children.
And a line of toys. I never owned any, but my cousin did, and as sad as it is, I was the tiniest bit jealous. They were actually cool toys.
And one of those terrible Tiger handheld games that I sort of need now.
And I’d like to bring it to your attention that the series produced A MOVIE PER YEAR from 1984-1989. And while the two biggest stars to come out the series, Steve Guttenberg and Bobcat Goldthwait left the series after part four, the cartoons and toy lines and, you guessed it, the comic book could still use those characters. And now that the digression has come full circle, let us discuss the matter at hand.
The first issue of this comic, and I’m going to go ahead and assume this was the same with the rest of the series, is comprised of two short stories. The first of these tales is called ‘We’re Policed to Meet You” and it features our boys in blue taking on a cyber criminal named The Mad Byter. He appears to be modeled after Randy Newman. To the point where, although I initially though of that as a joke, I am not fairly sure it’s the truth. Take a look at this parade float that the cadets built in his honor, albeit accidentally.
What I love most about this story is that the Byter is a computer-based culprit in an age where most people were not familiar with the concept of an internet. He is chauffeured to the scene of the crime and hacks security systems in person, presumably using a 6 foot ethernet cable or something? He escapes the heist and is holed up in a film prop warehouse when our heroes steal a page from Greek mythology and hatch a plan to get inside. Being as the Byter is a genius and, in fact, not a slow adult he finds it unusual about an impromptu birthday gift (an enormous replica of his own head) delivered by the very force seeking to destroy his plans. He still lets it inside, however.
The Byter attacks the police with a series of movie-inspired booby traps and one actual missile. Thankfully, Los Angeles’ failing infrastructure, in the form of a pothole, thwarts his ballistic assault on Mahoney and company. Using the aforementioned props against the Byter, they capture him and his crew.
I should actually say, they definitely arrest him but they may have murdered the two thugs as they were never seen after being set on fire by Hightower. And in true Police Academy fashion, they humiliate a glory-hogging Harris at the end of the day.
There was, however, a distinct lack of incidental nudity.
The second story in the issue is entitled “Little Boy Blues” and is only five pages long. So, it seems the mayor’s nephew, a spoiled-rotten lil bastard named Buster, wants to spend the day on duty with the police. Captain Harris, prick that he is, assigns Mahoney and Jones to take care of the kid. Now, I personally feel that they should take this as a compliment. He constantly berates them for being inept yet when he is tasked with ensuring the safety of the favorite nephew of Los Angeles’ mayor, he puts them on the job. He has no reason to want this kid dead, so he must actually trust them. Harris himself takes the relatively easy task of personally watching the boy’s younger sister. I feel like her well-being was in farmore danger than that of her brother, even (or especially) if they never left Harris’ office.
Anyway, this kid is a serious asshole and immediately begins to abuse his power as an officer of the law and hide behind his badge and uniform. Mahoney has the seriously-fucked-up idea to stage a kidnapping. He wants to tie the kid up, stash him somewhere, and then let him go at the end of the day. However, some actual goons intend to kidnap Buster for real! Mahoney tricks them into concussing themselves via indoor trampoline usage and saves little Buster, who seems to have learned a lesson. Oh, and WE learn a little lesson, too! Buster’s sister was even more a handful than her brother, and Harris ended up getting the raw deal.
I realize the joke is meant to be that Harrisis a horse’s ass… but just approach it with the notion that Mahoney has inside knowledge (ew) about Harris’ enormous dong and that sly look on the Gute’s face tells a whole ‘nother tale.
As far as the quality of this book goes, it’s not bad for a children’s comic. The jokes are predictable and lame, but that’s par for the course in the world of Star comics and next to the GetAlong Gang the Police Academy crew are about the most complex characters ever committed to paper, so all things considered this isn’t a bad comic. But is still baffles me that they made a kids comic/cartoon/toys about this series of movies. The first movie was riddled with sex and racism, and while it toned down over the years I still can’t imagine it appealing too greatly to young children. Then again, I was in the target age for this comic when it came out and I was all about these movies , watching them every chance I got on early morning premium cable. So perhaps the idea was sound, but suffice it to say the execution backfired a bit. At least no one got Tang0-Raped, as they so often did in the films.
If you have a kid who loves Steve Guttenberg as deeply as he hates good comedy, I’d say set that little fucker up with some Police Academy comics. I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got for you today, so I must say…
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Posted on February 27, 2015, in COMICS!, Movies, Reviews, The Things I Do For Comics and tagged COMICS!, Marvel, Police Academy, Steve Guttenberg, The Things I Do For Comics, Toys. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.