What’s Killing My Social Life This Week – Rymdkapsel (The Unpronounceable Game)
Posted by stormtrooperxj379
A cold, dark space devoid of all life and emotion. A hostile environment, where the last specks of existence have to survive wave after wave of merciless murder-bots. Only in a place as vile as that would Nintendo come up with the Creator’s Program.
Rhymekaspel? Rymedakel? Rymdkalesp? Rymdkapel?
Whatever, this thing:
Yeah, that. It’s a indie, strategy game published by grapefrukt and ported to PC (presumably with a crooked coat hanger and a rusty knife). In it you control a growing group of white pixels, standing over a bottomless abyss, as you instruct them to build more things and spread out across the void.
Gameplay-wise you’ve got 7 different rooms to construct, each with their own, unique colour code:
~ Corridors, the bits your minions spend ages crossing
~ Extractors, the bits that produce a valuable resource
~ Reactors, the bits that produce a green valuable resource
~ Gardens, the bits that produce a lime green valuable resource
~Kitchens, where this joke grows stagnant
~ Weapons, A.K.A “pew pew pew”
~ Quarters, where the magic happens
The idea here is that you need to span out, increasing your colony’s size and population. Each room has a random Tetris shape and costs resources to complete (be they pink, green or yellow), which means that you need to manage your available space as well. And really that’s all the strategy involved in wossname; don’t build stuff in stupid places. Yes, you do get attacked by laser-spewing aliens every few minutes, but they’re so easy to kill; just build a weapons room or two and you’re fine for the first 20 waves.
And remember how I subtly mentioned that this game was poorly ported to PC? Well… this game was poorly ported to PC. I mean honestly, the mouse controls are tortuous at best; see, in hurdydurdydoo, you control your minions by dragging their little icons into a corresponding box. Say, for example, you want three of your little, white rectangles to build a corridor. You have to slowly drag three of them from the idle box (or any other ones) and drop then into the construction one. Then the machinations of fate get to decide how long they’ll just stand by, waiting for their brain to register the order, before jerking alive and ignoring it anyway. You can prioritize rooms to be built before anything else, but there’s no sure way to prioritize more than one room at any time. To make matters worse, you can’t really be certain which minion will start doing the thing you want it to, rendering any plans for strategic micromanagement moot.
Moreover, why isn’t there a quick select button? You know, like in those other strategy games that make sense? I get that it’s a port and all, but when there’s a throng of trigger-happy jerks coming to melt my pixelated face, slowly clicking every single unit into defense isn’t exactly my idea of efficiency. I’m not sure whose it is, but they probably live in a cave somewhere, feeding off mushrooms self-cultivated on their backs.
But even if the game controlled more naturally than the bloody Matrix, it wouldn’t compensate for the shocking lack of content on display. I don’t think it can stand up as an iPhone game, much less a $7.99 steam game. Each match can last up to 2 hours (depending on how much time you want wasted) and I got bored after the first 30 minutes. Which is not to say that the game is easy. In fact towards the end, enemy waves spawn in every 5 seconds, so there is not much one can do besides calmly await defeat.
So, overall, what is ryme-de-dimy-dam? Casual bait? Strategy for 3-year olds? Another uninteresting game in the market? Wait, I know! It’s podcast fodder, that’s what it is; it’s a pretty-looking, semi-relaxing game you can play, whilst catching up to those missed Podquisition episodes. However if that’s not what you’re looking for, then there’s little to recommend in rymdkapsel, besides excellent spelling bee practice.
-The Fairy Wizard
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