The Evil Geeks Top 5 Thunderdome Throwdown: How to Survive a Horror Movie?
It’s been a while since we did a top 5, but our friends at Mancrates.com asked us what our ultimate list of items we’d need to survive a horror movie might be. Now that right there is an excellent question! In fact, so excellent that it takes more than one Evil Geek to give a great answer since there are all different types of movies in the genre, so keep reading to see what the Geeks need to survive!!!
I would like to start off just by saying that I am omitting the use of supernatural or magical means of surviving in a horror movie…mainly because that’s all I was going to use. I really did just want to lightning the fuck out of everything, but considering that most horror movies, with some exclusions, revolve around your everyday, normal human being attempting to overcome the odds, I will stick to just the usual means of survival…unfortunately. Counting down…
5.) Any type of bladed object
There is almost nothing as handy as solid steel in your hands when you’re involved in some sort of survival situation. Take Liam Neeson and those wolves. They show up in the middle of the night, kidnap his wife, and then start eating the souls of all the neighborhood children. He is left with no other choice but to murder them with extreme prejudice. Like, I’m saying he made up derogatory names for wolves….and they sounded pretty wolfist. A knife is going to be a pretty solid bet to ensure your heart remains beating well beyond whatever nightmare you currently find yourself in. It’s easily carried, handles pretty well, and can go easily in and out of rotting demon flesh. If you happen to have a sword, spear or axe in your possession, you chances of staying alive have almost infinitely expanded, just like the open chest cavity of whatever fell beast has dared to balk at you.
I actually debated on whether or not you would really need food in most horror movies, but in terms of a zombie apocalypse, fuck yes you will. If you are being chased by Jason Voorhees, grabbing a quick sandwich is most likely not on your mind, but trying to live in a world where almost every other person is trying to eat you, you’re going to need to find some grub. It’s a stark change in tactics when you are being hunted on a single night, maybe even two, as compared to when you have to make a living in a doomed world that has been stripped of nearly every goddamn twinkie, Baconator, and whatever else is considered food these days. I’d rather take Jason.
Guns are going to make your life a lot easier when shit finally hits the fan…which is by far one of the most ridiculous phrases on the planet. It must be based in fact. Guns are going to solve a lot of issues real quick, but they can also cause some unwanted situations to arise. Nothing like an entire gang of marauders to come by and see you have a sack full of life saving guns that they want way more than they want you to live. That is going to be something you cannot talk yourself out of….but you may be able to shoot its fucking face off. Having a gun in the real world is a cause for people to take you seriously, let alone in a place that literally has no laws anymore. The beginning of Jason Goes To Hell shows us exactly what happens to an immortal killing machine when he meets good old fashioned lead and explosives…..never mind what happens later….even though it’s so goddamn awesome.
One of the leading causes of death in horror movies is the fact that some people are just really fucking stupid. Take for example, every goddamn teenager in almost every horror movie. They all get exactly what they deserve, and I refuse to give them any sort of sympathy. Keeping your wits about you is a serious way to increase your ability to out think, and possibly outrun whatever is attempting to eat your face. If you are in a haunted house, and there are bloody footprints leading you towards anywhere but the front door, congratulations, you have just been marinated for sweet, sweet murder. Driving you to fear is almost always what they want. It’s like a nice glaze over your soon to be roasting corpse. Being intelligent and level headed if possible, is one of the best ways to stay alive. However…
1 ½) LIGHTNING!!!!
Yeah, I fucking lied, okay? I fully am of the school of thought that says if you can’t lightning something to death, then you are not worthy of killing it. Just start sending bolts out from your hands in all directions and hopefully one of them will hit something. If not, then whatever, it’s still metal as fuck. But in all seriousness ….
Having friends is quite possibly the best way to stay alive. Not because of the moral support, but because you can sacrifice those sons of bitches to whatever is chasing you. This is a horror movie folks, there is no mercy involved. If you are running from some terrifying assailant, what do you think is going to attract their attention more than a fucking hand wrapped gift of screaming victim? NOTHING. Nothing will increase your odds of surviving more than other bodies for your nightmare come to life to snack on. On the other hand however, having friends will be a huge benefit to you. The added number of people makes taking on whatever you are facing that much more tolerable. Humans in general acquire strength in bonding with others, and that’s why when you see a standard horror movie, most of the people are either strangers, or secretly do not like each other. That is what brings them down fastest. Having friends watch your back and help you when you need it is going to be a huge boon to you living to see the next day. Either that, or you can just eat them when the food finally runs out.
I know it might be a little weird listening to Lilith’s top 5 for a man crate here, but rest assured, there is no girliness going in to my crate. I have been tasked with surviving a pandemic, and with all the news on Ebola lately it could be a real horror of horrors for us all. What type of plague could hit and wipe out 75% of the human population? Could Ebola? Then there are diseases like avian flu and SARS that the press gets way to excited over. What about swine flu? The more that I think about it, there are so many crazy diseases out there it is surprising a pandemic hasn’t struck already! And think the days of the plague are over? Well, I happen to know that parts of California near where I live have lots of Yersinia pestis, the very bug known for causing the bubonic plague and Black Death itself. So yes, I think there could be a pandemic in our life time, so I might buy one of these man crates for me and my man if they decided to produce it. Here are my top five products for surviving the pandemic:
5.) Tons of bottled water
Ideally a 5 gallon jug. Water and moisture is the perfect way for bacteria, protozoa, and other nasties to grow, so having a large supply of fresh, distilled water would help you survive the early days. This is probably the most important item on the list for survival, but it is also the most boring, so I left it at #5.
4.) Duct Tape
3.) Hot chocolate Mix
To be realistic, we are probably all going to get told to stay indoors in the event of a pandemic. Hopefully it won’t be a zombie pandemic, or doors won’t really save you. But if this is a straightforward infectious disease spread by coming in contact with carriers we will probably be spending a long time in our houses. It sounds lie the perfect idea to me to curl up on the couch when stuck in your house with a nice warm cup of hot cocoa.
It kills just about anything. In fact, many futuristic post-apocalyptic scenarios use bleach as a component to your shower. Hopefully you don’t get any in your eyes, but this stuff will keep you sterilized.
1.) The Macbook Pro gets my number one spot…
I was thinking of putting a HD big screen TV in this slot, since I watch mine so much even though I am not stuck in the house to avoid a pandemic. But the sad thing is this would not give me access to the outside world. With the Macbook Pro I could still connect to the internet and other people, if the internet survived of course. And I could watch movies with it’s retina display. Plus I could still write posts or work on my zombie novel. I could even read novels downloaded from the internet. I guess any computer would suffice as my number one, but I am an Apple sort of girl, and I think all you men out there would love this toy more than your iPad. Bet you’d love to be stuck in the house with me come the pandemic!
Hey there Evil Geeks! Now if you know anything about your old pal C-Mart, then you know he’s always got a Plan B and C and D, E, F and so on, for any situation. I took a queue from Lex Luthor as a young lad and learned that always having an escape plan will certainly come in handy from time to time. Should I ever find myself trapped in the perilous confines of a horror movie, I’m for sure going to bring some stuff powerful enough to get me through. Being the geek that I am, my list is populated with some of the most potent weaponry for any disaster, monster, alien, or whatever general nastiness I might encounter. One thing is for sure, if you happen to spot me roaming a post-apocalyptic wasteland, you can be sure I’m going to be well stocked and even more well armed. C-Mart ain’t going down like a punk!!!
5.) Johnny Blaze’s Shotgun
If there’s one thing you can’t have enough of when some big bad is chasing you down, it’s guns. Actually, what good is a gun if it’s got no bullet’s? Sure you could try to pistol whip you’re attacker, but I don’t know know what good trying to feed a glock to an unstoppable killing machine like Jason Voorhees would do, but if he’s about to cut short my tenure on this planet, I’m sure as hell gonna try something. In order to fix the ammo conundrum, why not get yourself a shotgun that’s never going to run out of ammo? Not only is Johnny’s Hellfire powered shooter good for blasting zombies, but it’s got mystical abilities, meaning it can take a chunk out of a magic using demon, wizard, or some other ethereal threat. This bad boy is going to be your best friend when the shit goes down.
Pretty much the same concept as Johnny’s magic shotgun. A sword won’t ever run out of ammo, but it might dull or even break over time. If I’m running for my life and bullets won’t do the trick, then I’m turning to my lightsaber, which is always going to be laser sharp. Plus, it can pretty much cut through anything. That’s something that will be invaluable if you’re battling a seemingly impervious foe.
3.) Sonic Screwdriver
This is a no brainer. If you’re fighting Ultron or some other killer robot, a quick wave of the old sonic should shut them down in no time. If you get really good with it, you’ll even be able to quickly reprogram the techno-menace and have it fight on your side! Not only is it good for taking robots off the game board, but it can also fix broken things like computers or it can even lock and unlock doors. Find yourself a good panic room and simply shut the door behind you. You’ll be riding out all the unpleasantness in comfort whilst the world burns.
2.) Deadpool’s Teleporter Belt
Even the best laid plans can turn to shit sometimes. No matter how many scenarios you plan for, there’s always going to be some variable that you overlooked which could cause your escape plan to quickly turn into the blueprint for how you died. That’s where this little fashion accessory comes in. It’s not just going to hold up your pants while you try to save your own hide, it’s going to teleport your ass to safety in the blink of an eye! Sure when Deadpool had it, the device tended to be a little wonky, but when working properly, it can be your saving grace. Plus, it’s got pouches. Just ask Rob Liefeld; pouches are important.
C-Mart, you appear to have all your bases covered. It looks like you’ll be prepared for any baddie that might make the poor decision of trying to throw down with you. Well, I’ve thought of ALMOST everything…
1.) Gipsy Danger from Pacific Rim
What if someday Fin Fang Foom mistakes me for a seamstress then hunts me down to force me to knit him a new pair of shorts? Or maybe I somehow piss off Prince Lotor and the next thing I know there’s one of those big-ass, goth space coffins headed headed my way, loaded up with some gargantuan fucking Ro-Beast looking to stomp me into a C-Mart shaped place mat. Should I ever find myself in that situation, I’m fully prepared. I’m hopping into my 400 foot tall Jaeger and I’m stomping some giant monster ass into the bedrock. Sure my electrical bill will be through the roof when I power up this leviathan, but can you ever really put a price tag on safety? Plus, I can just level the entire power company if I wanted to, so they really couldn’t say anything if I was a little behind on the payments.
UNDIES OF WONDY
Hi there internet! I never give much thought to horror movie survival, because I always figured if I were in a horror movie situation, I would die first because I fall into the “comedic relief” trope. Sad face. BUT, if I actually made it past the first five minutes of a slasher film, I’d definitely want to be prepared. And also outdo everyone else in my group with awesome things. So here’s my survival list!
5.) A horde of Robot Unicorns
Why? Because they’re awesome. And they can kill people with their horns. Bonus: You can ride on them if you get tired of running. Cute, deadly and resourceful!
4.) Awesome Mix: Volume 1
If I’m going to fight off a serial killer like Michael Myers or fend off a gigantic horde of zombies, I’m going to want some epic slaying tunes. Preferably so I can kick some zombie heads around to “Come and Get Your Love.”
3.) “Mr. Pointy”, aka Buffy’s stake from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I mean, it IS a lucky stake, after all. Maybe Kendra should’ve held onto it for a bit longer. Eh. Oh well.
I mean, granted, we’re assuming I’m worthy to wield the hammer of the gods, here. I’m playing off of Arthur Harkness’ lightning idea here. I’d be able to whack some bitches into line with this bad boy. Also, lightning. And if I lose it in battle, it can fly back to me, plus we have the bonus here that the weapon cannot be manipulated against me like a knife or gun can! Theoretically, only I would be able to wield the hammer of the gods. So hah.
Dude stole all of my good ideas. And he’s got Gipsy Danger. I wouldn’t fuck with him in the zombie apocalypse. I call C-Mart!!!!
MARTIAN LUTHOR KANG THE 117th
I’m gonna play this out as a Horror movie situation and not as a survival horror situation. So, rather than prepping for a zombie apocalypse I’m setting the stage for my survival on a camping trip gone seriously awry. So, if I’m going to survive a slasher movie I’d like…
5.) My overnight bag
I travel a lot for work so I always keep a bag that’ll hold me over for another day if I have to crash in a hotel unexpectedly.
This one’s really an issue of comfort rather than outright survival. Wearing corrective lenses as I do, the last thing I need is to lose a contact or break my eyeglasses while being chased down in a dangerous locale. I’d like to know that if worst came to worst, I’d have an ugly old pair of backup glasses just in case. Without bringing anything new into the mix I’d also have a change of clothes down to the underwear, which I’d almost undoubtedly need if I ever met Leatherface in the flesh. I’d have a phone charger, which is ridiculously handy in such a situation, and if worse came to worse and it looked like I was done for I keep an emergency cigarette (three, in fact) in that bag for those days when I momentarily regret quitting, but know I shouldn’t buy a whole pack. I don’t have a lighter in there, though, so it’s a good thing I brought…
4.) A flamethrower
Despite the unkillable nature of your average horror being, there’s one thing that just about every living thing would prefer to avoid: Fire. Worse yet? Flaming liquid sprayed out of the most metal backpack of all time. No amount of Slayer stickers could transform your Jansport into one of these babies…
Guns misfire, knives are limited by range, but I have a feeling that even if you don’t come into direct contact with the stream of horrible napalm firing out of the end of this thing, it’ll stop any pursuers dead in their tracks. It’s a great offense that would be complemented a tremendous defense like…
3.) A Kevlar Vest
So say we’re talking your standard Freddy/Jason/Michael Myers/Leatherface/Chucky type, They are big time stabbers and slashers and really tend to go for the midsection, so I’d want to play it safe with a combination of security and mobility. Sure, there are more comprehensive body armors on the market, but if you’re in one place for two long these fellas will get creative. Particularly Freddy Krueger; A slash across the midsection may be his opening gambit, but soon he’ll move on the clever one-liners and wacky murder methods. I’d be up the stairs by the time he finished calling me a bitch and already hailing some help with my..
2.) Satellite Phone
Yeah, they’re sort of the Betamax to Cellular phone’s VHS, but just like their homo video analogues, they less popular choice has some definite advantages.
Ever since mobile phones have been a factor in horror movies, the natural reaction has been to have them unable to get service. And it’ actually works without being too ridiculous, horror movies more often than not happen in the middle of nowhere. I know that in upstate New York alone there remain some staggeringly large areas where cell phones don’t work, even in this age of communication. Yeah, a walkie talkie is reliable but the other end is only going to be heard by someone like a cop (half the time they’re in on the killings) or worse yet, the kind of civilian that sits and listens to short wave radio in their spare time. You’re better off with the killer. A satellite phone gives you a cumbersome lifeline in an emergency situation and you’re basically the ultimate hipster. No one under 25 has ever heard of them. So it would look like a toy when viewed by…
1.) A Bunch of Obnoxious Morally Reprehensible Teenagers
Like, a whole frat party full, if necessary.
The last thing I’d ask for on my deathbed is to be surrounded by teenagers, but if their presence could ensure that I wasn’t next on the chopping block, my house would look like a sale at Hollister. Any homicidal killer worth their salt will first target the promiscuous and drug-addled teenagers before the nearly 30-year-old man in the sensible shoes. I’ll be sneaking out of the abandoned mineshaft with my flame thrower at the ready, chugging along at a healthy trot ready to make my phone call to anyone who will listen while they’re still jerking off to Zack Efron or whatever it is these kids do nowadays.
I’ve thought about this one on a semi-regular basis to be honest. Would my geek knowledge be enough for me to survive a horror movie, at least to get into the sequel? I’d like to think it would…so here we go!
5.) Paper Cutter Arm
Yeah, I said it. Seems odd, right? Well I happen to have on of these at my work and have regularly thought of how it could be used as a kick ass weapon against zombies, aliens, serial killers, or anything looking to harm me. I mean, just look at it. A simple nut and bolt removal and you have an instant machete that also has some weight to it so you can also use it to bludgeon hordes of enemies who are attacking you… I don’t have access to a sword, so I got’s to be resourceful with what is around!
If used correctly, I could make one of these babies last for a week, imagine you are with a group and need to communicate danger, safety zones, or anything! A quick text message is without a doubt a way to go. I understand that these things wouldn’t last forever, but long enough for you to get to a safe place and make a camp.
3.) Cannon Fodder
Call them what you want; strangers, acquaintances, slow friends…it doesn’t matter. Just keep a couple around that you don’t care about as much as others to serve as the sacrificial lamb. I don’t want to come across as 100% a dick when I say this, but hey, I want to survive until the end credits dammit! Plus, you all know you’ve got some of these people in your life, so let them serve the greater good! 🙂
2.) Utility Belt
You know what makes Batman awesome? All the wonderful toys dammit!!! Listen, you know as well as I do that you’re gonna need stuff to make it through this horror movie; smoke pellets, throwing stars, one of those really cool grappling guns thingies, and gum (so your breath is minty fresh!) You’ve got to put it all somewhere and cargo pockets are just gonna slow you down and jingle, so act like a professional and get a goddamn utility belt already!!!
1.) The TARDIS
Survival is key, always remember that. I realized pretty quickly that I’d need shelter and transportation, so why not have both!?! It’s bigger on the inside, which means that it can hold all the Evil Geeks and our loved ones and we don’t have to trip over each other, hell we could hang out by the pool if we felt like it. If we got into a jam and had to leave quickly we could literally go anywhere. In fact, I’d give up the rest of the items on my list just to have the TARDIS because it really doesn’t get any safer than that!
So that sums it up for The Geeks! I’d like to believe that we’d have a pretty good chance of survival, except for Biff and Greekimus because they didn’t think ahead like the rest of us! Make sure you visit ManCrates.com and check out all the awesome stuff that you could be unboxing every month… They seriously have some really cool stuff!
Welcome to the Horror Movie…Hope you can survive!
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