Dentally Unstable – The Common Trait Among Sony’s Spider-Man Villains

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What makes a villain? Batman (and DC Comics in general) has taught us that all it takes is a name that sounds like a play-on-words and a single-minded obsession with an object or idea. However, Marvel comics tended to infuse a bit more pathos into their villains (although that has not yet been the case with their film line). However, the Spider-Man franchises over at Sony have made it very clear that their prerequisites for super-villainy are science experiments gone wrong and bad teeth.

Stick with me on this, and rest assured that I’m not taking shots at these actors for their less-than-perfect smiles, I’m certainly not the poster boy for orthodontic perfection myself.

Willem Dafoe – Spider-Man

If you can’t put a face on the name “Willem Dafoe”, someone might very easily jog your memory by saying something to the effect of “The dude with the scary teeth”. And they would be righr to do so.

Dafoe did a great job portraying the cold genius that was Norman Osborn and just as great a job playing the evil lunatic known as the Green Goblin. And all he has to do to convince the audience that he is completely evil and utterly insane is smile.

Alfred Molina – Spider-Man 2

While never as aggressively insane as the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus posed a far greater threat, so Sony sought out a brilliant classically-trained actor with a mouth like a piano on the wrong end of a tornado.

James Franco – Spider-Man 3

While Harry began this movie as a revenge-crazed villain, it was eventually shown that he wasn’t all bad and he was arguably the true hero of the third film in the original Spider-Man series. Sony, in a marvelous long-term plan prepared for this and found an actor with a normal enough (by Hollywood’s relatively rigorous standards) mouth but with what appears to be horrendous oral hygiene. Still, although he looks like he ate a plateful f bloody cigarette butts, Franco has an undeniable charm.

Thomas Haden Church – Spider-Man 3

Hmmm.. Church’s teeth aren’t bad. Why, it’s almost as if the Sandman is NOT ACTUALLY A BAD GUY, JUST A LITTLE BIT CROOKED!!!

Sony was leaving clues to the endings of these movies right under the actors’ noses the whole time.

Topher Grace – Spider-Man 3

Rounding out the villains from the overpopulated finale to Sony’s Spider-Man trilogy as Eddie Brock, Sony was somehow able to overlook Grace’s shockingly usual dental resume.

But just look at the wonders that can be done with special effects.

Rhys Ifans – The Amazing Spider-Man

In the rebooted and rejuvenated retelling of the webslinger’s tale, Sony changed just about every element of the origin and style of the original films. One thing they were sure to keep though? The dastardly displays of dental degradation.

Jamie Foxx – The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Electro’s pre-transformation persona of Max Dillon was a serious loser, so the studio decided to give him Jamie Foxx’s teeth from back before he was rich so that everyone could tell he sucked.

Dane DeHaan – The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Again with that Scary Harry mouth! Just like with Topher Grace they nastied up the character’s teeth when he turned evil.

Chris Cooper – The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Although Chris Cooper was only on screen in this movie for about thirty seconds, the good folks at Sony were sure to find a very memorable smile for a role that was practically a cameo.

Paul Giamatti – The Amazing Spider-Man 2

He has teeth, too, see? What a waste of Paul Giamatti that was in Amazing Spider-Man 2, huh? I mean, he’s one of the best actors of his time and he plays a cartoonishly two-dimensional villain that bookends the movie? Maybe he’ll get some more screen time in the upcoming Sinister Six movie.

Speaking of said Sinister Six movie, here are my predictions for the remainder of the cast.

Let’s say that Electro and the Rhino return, then we’d have…