Arthur Harkness Presents: Arthur Has The Golden Ticket…and It’s Covered In Blood

golden ticket


Let me say this first. I am not a violent man. Most of the time, I actually hate when things come to blows, unless it’s in a fictional universe where no one is actually getting hurt. That sort of violence gets my blood going. Real violence however, is not something I usually condone. Now, before you all get bent out of shape at me calling people out, this is a work of fiction, and the people who are involved are not real. So calm the fuck down already. You calm? Good.

When I get involved in something, I tend to get a bit overzealous sometimes. What I mean by that is that I fully commit to whatever I am into, to the point that sometimes I will even get something drawn onto my skin permanently from whatever universe I happen to be traversing (Runes? Is that what they’re called?) Needless to say, I get emotionally and sometimes physically involved in my passions. I don’t do half assed when it comes to things I like. You should all know that by now.

The reason I am telling you this is because sometimes, we all get seriously heated at certain things and people that are involved in our favorite pass times. I know a lot of you would love to punch a villain from your favorite series right in the face, and if given the golden ticket from Last Action Hero, you would all gladly jump into the screen and piss on their burned and beaten corpse. Luckily, being the goddamn sorcerer and lover of the dark arts that I am, I am in a prime position to facilitate that. I came up with a list of 4 motherfuckers that I harbored a deep hatred for, showed up on their home turf….and went to fucking war. Also, did you guys know the golden ticket works on books too? Makes things a lot easier for me.

4) Lucius Malfoy


I already know what you are going to be asking….why not Umbridge? Simple…because I love her. She never hides the fact that she’s a total bitch who would love nothing more than to have her way, and she never lies about it. Lucius, on the other hand, is a different kind of prick. Hiding behind money and a miasma of pompousness, this guy is the sort of man who would flip flop sides at the drop of a hat if given the opportunity and would probably suck off whoever gives him the most money and power. Fiddling with strings from behind the scenes, I caught Lucius right as he was entering the Ministry to have a meeting with Fudge about a possible donation….and gave him what for.

Nobody in the wizarding world has really dealt with what I am capable of. Magic is a very powerful force, but against someone who is undead and wields more unholy powers, they had no idea how to approach the situation. Walling off the corridors with a mass of writhing tentacles, I immobilized Fudge with a solid dose of a noxious concoction I call the Harkness Charm (an ether soaked rag) and tossed his body to a side where he wouldn’t get hurt….at least not too bad. Lucius attempted to hex me quite a few times, but as well all know, the undead are mostly immune to magic….but keep me the fuck away from fire. Luckily, Lucius did not know that, and all of his spells were for naught. Panic and fear filled his eyes as I closed in, and as I got closer, he began to plead for his life. Unfortunately, I was wearing some headphones and didn’t hear his sniveling, so I willed my tentacles in through his ears and exploded his brain from the inside. You guys seriously have no idea how satisfying that is.

3) Seymour Guado


This fucking bitch. If you have ever had the pleasure of playing Final Fantasy X, then you know who this guy is. I know a bunch of you are going to most likely disagree with me on this one, considering how many Final Fantasy villains there have been, but this guy rings a chord with me that fills my heart with pure malice and loathing. I have almost never wanted to brutally murder someone in a game until I met this guy. Being a Maester of Yevon, on the outside he is an almost kind and caring person, but on the inside, he’s the type to release fiends in a public place in order to kill them and gain the trust of the people. That’s the sort of scumbaggery we are dealing with here. Seymour isn’t the physical type, so this one came down to one of my favorite kinds of battle…..fucking summoning.

I decided to hit him right after the initial attack of the fiends in which he first summons Anima to save the people attending the Blitzball game. When someone is expecting one thing, and then they receive some Harkness, shit tends to go downhill for them real quick. The sad part is, I never wanted to hurt Anima, as she is one of my most favorite summons, but in her alliance with this sucker of cocks, I could not let her walk away unharmed. Meeting him on the beach, we stared at each other for a moment before he sent her after me.

Her first attack nearly killed me, and to be honest, seeing her on the screen is nothing like seeing her in real life. I was in awe. I decided to focus all of my attacks on Seymour for the time being, as it takes me a little while to fully summon my own compatriot. The best part of this is, Seymour is so pompous and arrogant, he had absolutely no qualms with attacking me head on with Anima, which is a big no no when facing me. You always need to make sure you’re paying attention to what I do…..and where I’m looking. After dodging most of her attacks (one of them got me pretty good on my leg), it was time for me to show him what a fucking necromancer is all about.

From the sea behind him arose my most faithful companion, and where most of my tentacles come from. I refuse to name it ( as you will learn it soon enough when I release my new Evil Geeks story,) because most people cannot fathom their nightmares having a name and a face. Thousands of tentacles and feelers shot forth from the sea, and in a moment of surprise for Seymour, fully enveloped Anima in a cocoon of writhing prison bars. She could only watch as her weak master met his end. More tentacles burst outwards and tied up that blue haired rat from head to toe. As they rose and fully covered his body, I looked him dead in the eyes, and looked upon the fear in his face. It tasted so good. I looked to my slithering mass of fiendish friendship, and told him to pull start his fucking neck, severing his entire head from his body. Another trophy on my wall. Fuck you Seymour. Anima is now mine, and I’ll treat her better than you ever could.

2) King Joffrey


Oh don’t tell me none of you agree with this one….although I do know one person who would be somewhat upset (Sorry Aldous) but everyone knows he had this coming. DO I even really need to explain to you all why this little motherfucker had to die? Also, mind you, I know he gets all jacked up eventually, but this felt personal enough for me to have to kill him myself….and not by goddamn poison. With everything he has done and said, besides his mother, no one in the Thrones universe deserves to die as much as him…..maybe Ramsay.

The thing with Joffrey is that he isn’t too careful himself, but his guards and Mother are, which made this a bit more difficult than I thought. I haven’t had to use stealth tactics in a while, but since my daily wardrobe looks almost entirely like a Maester’s, I had a ready made disguise. You know, it was actually a lot more fun sneaking around than I remember….I should probably do this more often.

Waiting in line to vent my grievances and also provide some solid council to this product of shit mating with vomit, I gingerly approached the throne when I was summoned forth. I wanted to make this one a bit faster than the rest, yet just as fucking painful. As I approached the throne, I couldn’t help by crack a smile, and when I finally reached the area in which I was allowed to reside in (because this kid apparently thinks that whatever he steps on is holy ground) I made just one, simple gesture. I raised my hand, extended my pointer finger, and raised it just slightly.

Remember when I told you all to make sure you watch my hands and where I’m looking? Well it goes double when you have simple minded people watching over you and defending your life. Fear is a powerful motivator, and so are the tentacles of a horror beast that wants nothing more than to burst through your back and control your limbs. Using Ser Meryn’s body as a grotesque marionette, I proceeded to will my pet to wrap his arms around Joffrey, and explode in spikes of sharpened and jagged tentacles all over his body. Joffrey dropped to the ground with Ser Meryn’s body connected to him like a human cactus. Blood flowed down the throne and onto the floor in front of me. The screams of those in attendance provided the most perfect white noise I have ever heard.

1)Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker


This one, I do for all of you. Never say that Arthur doesn’t give back to his fans and people. Should I even really describe why this guy needs to fucking die? Not Hayden Christensen himself, although after Jumper I’m sure a bunch of people felt that way (Why else would Sam L. Jackson be in that movie besides trying to kill him?) This is for Vader you son of a bitch.

When I first caught Episode 1, I was sort of intrigued by the concept of seeing Vader as a kid….until I actually saw Vader as a kid….and immediately wanted to kill myself. Vader was not a whiny little bitch….he couldn’t have been…..but alas, he was. And it got even worse as he got older. When Hayden Christensen gave us his take on Anakin Skywalker, I was so disappointed, as I am thinking most of you were, that you all wished you could have gone to his house and fucking bombed it with molotovs…..which in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have done so. I decided to use my ticket one last time and enter Attack of the Clones, specifically right after the whole sand people killing scene….right when he’s talking to his mother. That’s right dicks, I fight fucking dirty sometimes.

Standing right outside the hut his mother was being kept in, I did something I haven’t done in a long time….raised some fucking corpses. Each and every sand person he had killed was now mine, and soon Anikin’s life would be too. After he put his mother to rest (I waited….I’m not an animal) I proceeded to head him off before he could hop back in his speeder and get out of there. Fighting a Jedi is not easy work, and this one was way more difficult than I would have expected from this piece of shit. He cut through my army of undead relatively quickly, but they just would not stay down. I actually sat back for a while and watched him tire himself out continually killing the same things over and over. It was better than watching anything on television.

After he was drained of almost all of his power, I calmly stood up and paced my way over to him. Jedi’s are a wily bunch, let me tell you. He refused to quit, and to be honest, I admired that from him. However, this could only end one way…..and if you guessed tentacles, you are wrong. It ended with a massive amount of fear, and fucking carbonite. I felt the only way to murder the person who shattered my vision of one of the most beloved villains of all time, was to shatter him as well. Carbonite is surprisingly cheap, and easy to find. Like seriously….there’s like 3 merchants on Tattooine who sell the shit. With my knowledge of potions and poisons, I was able to make a sort of carbonite grenade, and after throwing two at his feet while he was busy with more sand people, they exploded and slowly worked their way up his legs and arms, completely freezing his body in place while leaving his head untouched. I wanted him to see me shove him over….and I wanted to know he knew what was happening.

As I stared at his broken and shattered body, I felt a sense of calm drape over me, and knew that all was right in the world. 4 motherfuckers have met their end at my hands, and the world is better for it. I stared at the golden ticket, and felt the best course of action would be to shred it before I could cause any more havoc……..but…….fuck that….I’m keeping this bitch. Just put yourself in one of your movies Michael Bay….I fucking dare you.


I know some of you may disagree with my choices, but they’re my choices, and you can suck it. Who would you pick? I would love to hear who you loathe and despise so much that you want to personally murder them. Although, let’s keep this classy and keep it to fictional characters. I don’t want people telling me how they would kill their neighbors because their lights are too bright or because they listen to shitty music. The golden ticket can’t help you put your real orld issues to rest…just your imaginary ones.

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About Arthur Harkness

I like things, and things like me back

Posted on September 10, 2014, in Geekology, Movies, TV, Video Games and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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