Villain Spotlight: Goddamn Retailers
Warning: This is a satire…..for the most part. Don’t take these words too seriously… seriously
Welcome back to the one that started it all folks. When I first came up with the idea for the Villain Spotlight, I had originally planned it to just be about fictional characters for the most part. However, in the back of my mind I always knew that eventually, the real world would come into play in some fashion. This past weekend, it happened, and it happened very quick, and very dirtily. I’m talking about retailers, and their desire to keep evil at bay….like a bunch of bitches.
This past weekend was my little cousin’s birthday and like an upstanding family member, I went searching for something to get him. He’s 2 and he LOVES Star Wars, as he should, so obviously I went looking for a Star Wars themed gift for him. He has lightsabers and toys already, so I decided to grab him a shirt. Obviously, being the man that I am, I immediately looked for some Darth Vader shirts. They had a couple, but not in his size, which was fine. I kept looking around for a bit, and found nothing that I thought he would like, so I settled on something else. During said quest however, I made a startling discovery; There is literally almost no villain love with most major retailers….and now I’m pissed.
I had some free time to kill for a bit before his party, so I went and checked out another couple stores to see if any of them had anything better, but sadly, it was all the same. No villains, a slew of hero shirts, and the ire of my entire being. Without having to go to an actual comic shop or make the purchase online, if you are in the market for a shirt or whatever of your favorite villain, you are most likely going to be shit out of luck. Yes, I understand that places like Hot Topic would have something along those lines, but that would mean entering a Hot Topic, and I only do that on rare instances when Best Buy or wherever else doesn’t have the music I’m looking for. Not to knock them or anything, as I am sure many people enjoy that particular establishment, but it is just not for me anymore. Which brings me to my main point….
After noticing this terrible trend in fashion, I immediately began thinking about how we are, in so many ways, training our kids to be good people, but to also have near unachievable goals in their lives. Everyone wants to be Thor, but it’s not possible to be a Thunder God….because there is only one. Not everyone can be a super soldier with supremely good personal values, because that is not possible just yet. You know what you can be though? A billionaire industrialist who ruthlessly slaughters his competition with slightly underhanded business tactics. Yeah we got Tony Stark and countless other assholes who do not use underhanded tactics to get what they want, but what about the kids who dream about being Lex Luthor or Loki? Why should they be left out high and dry? It’s ridiculous and almost offensive to be honest. We are leaving these kids empty handed and shirtless when it comes to their favorite characters, and it needs to stop.
Every retailer you visit will have an immense amount of Avengers, Turtles, Mario, Transformers and other shirts pandering to those little goodie goodie kids that make me absolutely sick. Retailers really need to get in contact with their suppliers and get some good old fashioned villain shirts on their shelves. We need to let kids be themselves if they are ever going to come out of their shell, and if that means letting them wear Darkseid shirts or Anti-Monitor masks, then so be it. If they want to set up a bunch of phony businesses or an evil corporation hell bent on making things difficult for everyone, then let them have at it. The point is, let them be themselves. Let them choose not to wear a Captain America shirt, and let them rock that Red Skull get up they’ve been looking for. That is all I am asking. Retailers, please listen to my pleas and start stocking some real shirts. I don’t want to walk into a store and see all these heroes and good doers all over the place. I want to see aisles of red and black, and I want to see them featured prominently. I would also love to see an entire aisle or even an entire store dedicated to my boy Superboy Prime….if at all possible.
Now I know this entire article may sound slightly ridiculous, because it is, but in reality you all know I am right. I don’t really want your kids to be villains or ruthless tycoons who step on others to get what they want, but I would love for them to have the ability to support their favorite characters, and it shouldn’t have to be the ones that they are forced or coerced into liking. I love Thor, and I love the Avengers, but some kids and people do not. Why should they be forced to support something they don’t necessarily like? Imagine being a Giants fan and being made to wear a Patriots jersey….that is what we are dealing with here, and if you are doubting my passion for this cause, FULLY UNDERSTAND THAT I JUST USED A FUCKING SPORTS REFERENCE. Sorry for the swearing, but I am too fired up to care about keeping this clean. Retailers….let your patrons support what they want to support, and let them choose what to support. Do not flood them with heroes, when deep down, they really care more for the villains. Besides….this is an untapped market….imagine the potential in that. Thank you for listening to my tirade. I usually don’t do too many of these sorts of pieces, but I felt like it was necessary to get the word out.
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