Liefeld Week Book Report – Youngblood #1
Salutations, Evil Geeks! Liefeld Week is in full, heavily accented pectoral muscle, swing and today we’ve got a time traveling treat for you. The other day BloodKang and I were sitting around the Evil Lair and we came up with an idea we thought would be a hoot. People from the past are pretty stupid, right? So why don’t we go back in time and blow their minds with something from the future! Like all good scientists, we decided that there would be no better test subjects for this prank-speriment than ourselves. We spent the better part of a Saturday afternoon finishing off a case of beer and repairing the Evil Lair’s time machine; sure enough it started right up and we were off to the early 90’s to visit our past selves. We decided to head straight to November 1991, six months before Youngblood #1 would hit the shelves just to see what our newbie minds would think of such drivel. We were smart kids, surely they’d hate it right? Even inexperienced new comers such as ourselves would be smart enough to know poor artistry when they saw it, right? Right??? After gorging ourselves on Crystal Pepsi, Salsaria Doritos, and Chilitos at Taco Bell, we each went our separate ways, with the mission of tracking down our former selves to pry comic reviews out of them. It was right around then it occurred to me that we were putting a shitload of effort into an endeavor with not much a payoff, but it’s summertime and all the good shows are in reruns, so screw it; we’ve got nothing better to do.
I knew my 12 year old self would be easy enough to track down; that little butterball was never more than a stones throw away from a Nintendo. With the Super Nintnedo set to be released in a mere matter of days, surely I’d be at the local Sears, Bradlees, Caldor, or Woolworth firmly planted in front of the SNES demo machine, eagerly awaiting a turn. As I stalked the mall searching for child-me, I strolled past the arcade and well… got a little distracted. Between the newly released Street Fighter II, The Simpsons Arcade game and a few rounds of Mad Dog McCree (just long enough for me to remember exactly how lame it was), I ended up dropping about twenty bucks in quarters in three hours. Luckily for me, my younger self was just as easily distracted by arcades and I ended up walking in just as I (my older self) was just about to walk out. You’d be surprised what you can get a 12 year old to do for a roll of quarters, but in this case I just managed to pry a comic review out of one. While my younger self went to the now defunct Burger King in Crossgates Mall, I went back to the arcade to await the results of the experiment and of course I dropped another $20 in quarters playing Smash TV, NARC, APB, and a Japanese import of Gain Ground. Finally after a long day at the mall and about $60 in total of quarters, my younger self returned. He was disappointingly elated at what he had just read. Yup… people from the past are pretty stupid. Here’s what he had to say:
“Guys! Guys! GUYS!!!! I just read the GREATEST COMIC EVER!!!!! It’s called Youngblood and mark my words, this will be remembered as one of the most important issue #1’s of all time. Seriously, you can keep your Amazing Spider-Man #1 (unless it’s Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man #1 which is also the greatest comic of all time) or your Uncanny X-Men #1, I’m hanging on to my Youngblood #1 and we’ll see who’s laughing all the way to the bank in another 20 years. The comic industry really has no place else to go but up from here and it’s guys like Rob Liefeld who are going to be guiding us into a golden age of comics in about 5 – 7 years. I’m going to be soooooooo rich someday after I sell all of my 90’s comics!
Anyway, back to the book, which was so good that it was actually way better than good. It was EXTREME good! Like if Dan Cortese reads comics, then he’d be reading Youngblood. Mental note: when I get rich from selling Youngblood #1, I’m going to get myself on MTV Sports and drink Mountain Dew so I can be as extreme as possible at all times. So yeah the book starts out with some dude named Shaft (such an amazingly cool name and original too!) is at the mall doing stupid girlie stuff with his lame but super hot, girlfriend. She’s an assistant DA so she’s probably really smart and stuff. These dudes decide to attack Shaft and he manages to kill one with a PEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! So because this dude tries to kill Shaft, Shaft figures out that there’s trouble in the Middle East. He’s not going to stand for that because he’s an American and everybody in the world has to do what we say, so he assembles the coolest team ever scene. It’s a bunch of dudes with huge guns and ballerina feet, who all look kinda like lame Marvel characters but with zero lameness and tons of extreme awesomeness! There’s a girl of course, but lucky for us she isn’t a lame girl. She’s so cool that she doesn’t answer her emergency beeper for like 5 hours just because she knows it’ll make Shaft really angry. She makes my pants feel funny too, but I think that’s just because she’s a girl and even though she’s cool, she can’t help but be a little lame.
What’s better than a comic with one story? How about a comic with TWO STORIES; both written by Rob Liefeld!!! Shaft is the leader of the Youngblood “Home Team”. They’re like the public face of the team, but working behind the scenes is the “Away Team”, who handles the covert side of business. They’re so awesome and extreme that they aren’t allowed to be badasses out in the open. It’s like an entire team of Wolverines! Now that I think about it, several members of the team look exactly like Wolverine, namely Combat and Cougar. That must be because all badasses look alike.
So yeah like I said before, there’s big trouble in the Middle East , but Youngblood (Away Flavor) shows up to save the day. And by save the day I mean lay an extreme ass-whomping upon the army of some shit-hole country in the Middle East (USA! USA! USA!). The story kinda doesn’t make much sense, but when Rob Liefeld is in charge you’re guaranteed a great read, with all kinds of buff dudes, girls with big boobies that are outmatched in size only by their guns. In one part this dude uses his superpowers to smush another dudes head!!! The only thing that would have made this book better would maybe be a scene with some monster trucks or maybe a page with the team posing in front of an American flag. I loved this book so much and I can’t wait to start reading it every month. Having two teams crammed into one book might be confusing for some, but for us sophisticated Liefeld fans, it makes perfect sense.
So far Shaft is my favorite character because he’s the leader of the Home Team and he can do cool things. If we get lucky, maybe someday we can get Jean Claude Van Damme to play him in a movie! Youngblood forever!!!!! I would say Combat is my second favorite because he’s like Wolverine and Colossus rolled into one. Colosverine!!! I told older me to go back into the future and bring me back a copy of Youngblood #700 so I could prove how awesome this book is going to be. He laughed and then walked away, so I guess that means the book is going to be super good! Can’t wait!”
Aaaaaaannnd that’s what I got for my trouble and $60. F-ing 12 year olds. I can only hope BloodKang fared much better in his endeavor.