Your Weekend Creature Comforts: Who Kidnapped Lillith?
Wait a minute….what day is it? If you’re looking at yourself wondering where Lillith is, I’m sorry to tell you that she has been taken hostage, so unfortunately you are going to be stuck with me today. I know what you’re thinking….that I had some kind of hand in getting her kidnapped….which is completely false. I have been tasked with figuring out what has happened to our master of the wild, and I will be doing my absolute best in locating her. We received a ransom note, and all it did was just make the whole thing that much stranger. I have a hunch as to what happened, and the clues seem to fit, but it can’t be…..let me explain.
The sky is open to me, but I guard what is below
My master and captor decides who will go
He has the woman, but your mind is his lust
If his question goes unanswered, her bones will turn to dust
Cross me and you will find my ultimate treasure
Go underneath me and it will be my pleasure
What the hell is that? Obviously , much like myself, I am assuming you all have come to the same sort of conclusion…..ninjas….no? Am I the only one? Alright, alright. What would be the first thing that pops into your head for this….shall we call it a riddle? A riddle indeed. Besides Blaine the Mono and the Riddler, there aren’t that many beings that would be willing to leave or enjoy a good riddle. This was left on the door of the Evil Lair, driven into it with a wood and stone hand axe, much like my future wedding invitations (which if you take my idea I will cut everything out of you and drag it behind my car on the highway.) High alert ran rampant throughout the Lair and Lillith’s wolves would not stop howling. I felt bad for the poor guys. They seemed to have some kind of scent, and they hated it. It was driving them crazy. So I did what I vowed to do, which was finish Lego Marvel before starting the search in earnest. I took my spellbooks, my undead, and the wolves. Let’s do this.
The wolves proved invaluable in my search. Immediately after going through the portal in the Lair leading the all too bright outside, the wolves bolted towards the forest at the edge of our property. Usually nobody goes there except for the wolves to hunt, so I let them go first and I followed, cloak billowing. I felt like goddamn Snape looking for Sirius….and it felt great….sorry Lillith. They bolted into the woods and after what seemed like forever, we made it to this covered bridge….a bridge….you have to be kidding me.
Explosions of thoughts and ideas came bursting forth into my mind. It couldn’t be….we haven’t seen one around here for ages….I had to investigate. I let the wolves lead me a bit closer to the bridge, but once we got within 30 feet of it, they started to growl and bristle. They usually do that all the time, but not near the Geeks or Lillith, only around things they can’t wait to murder. I took a few cautious steps forward, and was almost taken aback by such a horrid smell, that I could barely believe the wolves were not passing out with their heightened sense of smell. I covered my nose, and walked closer towards the bridge.
“STEP BACK OR I WILL SNAP YOUR BONES AND PEEL THE FLESH FROM YOUR FACE”
Oh Shit…..a challenge!
“ WHO DARES TO CROSS MY BRIDGE WITHOUT TRIBUTE?”
A goddamn troll. How could I have been so dumb? The wolves were snarling and biting the air, clearly wanting to kill this guy with everything they had in them, but one look from me let them know to wait up a second. Trolls are no joke, guys. One false step and they will crush the shit out of you with whatever is nearest to them, usually half a tree or some kind of collapsed piece of rubble. I had to tread carefully here, otherwise this could be bad for Lillith. I’m borderline undead so death isn’t new to me, but Lillith is still alive, and it would not be good if we lost our master of wildlife. I placed my hands behind my back ever so gently and secretly, and dropped a little surprise into the ground for our kidnapper here. If you guys have read our origin story, you may know what’s coming next….pure amazement. Arthur doesn’t take people messing with his guild mates lightly.
“ ANSWER ME HUMAN!”
A hand the size of a small door reached over the side of the bridge, and pulled his entire body out from beneath it. The stink coming of this guy was almost too much to bear. He must have been close to 14 feet tall, and his head looked like it was made out of solid rock. This was not going to be as easy as I thought. A human I can handle real quick along with most creatures, but you all know that the bane if necromancers is a proper melee user. Bastard.
“ I am not human, troll. Where did you take Lillith?”
“WHO IS LILLITH?” he screamed at me.
“ The lady you took from us. Give her back to us now, and I won’t kill you.”
“ HUMAN! DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH INSOLENT TONES! OR I SHALL SNAP YOUR BONES!”
“ Once again…not human….LILLITH! YOU HERE?” I screamed. So much for careful, amiright?
“ SHUT YOUR MOUTH HUMAN, OR I WILL SHUT IT FOR YOU!” he roared back.
This guy. Third time’s the charm in my book. I closed my eyes and attempted to scan for her position. She was in an old shack across the bridge. The wolves were snapping and snarling at the troll. They were pissed. Apparently they understood you don’t call me human that many times without some kind of issue.
“REMOVE THESE FELL BEASTS FROM MY SIGHT HUMAN! THEY’RE FLEA RIDDEN HIDES DISGUST ME.”
Okay, I know I just said third time’s the charm, but this is out of hand. Sometimes, all we have is our pride and our honor, and mine just took a huge punch to the face. I’m going to enjoy this. I looked at the wolves….and somehow they determined what I was thinking. I always knew Lillith could project her thoughts and feelings onto them, and they understood perfectly, but I guess she taught them to pick up on everything. Good wolves….you guys are gonna feast on troll tonight. They bounded backwards and ran to opposite sides of the bridge, and backed away into the forest. Clever pups.
“ THAT IS RIGHT. BOUND BACK INTO THE WASTELANDS YOU WERE BORN FROM”
This guy is really pissing me off right now.
“ IF YOU TRULY WISH TO FIND YOUR FRIEND, THEN YOU MUST PASS MY TRIAL. IF YOU DO, I WILL SET YOU FREE. IF YOU DO, I WILL LET YOU SEE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN…AS I FEAST UPON HER CORPSE. YOU MAY LEAVE HERE ALIVE AS I HATE THE SMELL OF YOU, BUT SHE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. I CANNOT WAIT TO EAT HER. I WOULD HAVE DEVOURED HER FLESH ALREADY IF YOU WERE NOT DEFILING MY LAND WITH YOUR PRESENCE. WHAT SAY YOU HUMAN?”
I’m going to enjoy this.
“I accept. Although on one condition. If I win, she walks free with me. If I lose, I will lead you to others more delicious than her and I. Do we have a deal?”
I knew he wasn’t going to take it, which would complicate things, but I had my cards laid out already, and this was just part of the fun.
“NEVER. I WILL NEVER RELINQUISH HER. NEVER. BUT IF YOU DO PASS MY TRIAL, LIKE I SAID I WILL LET YOU LIVE, AND I WILL GIVE YOU AN ADDED BONUS IF YOU WIN, I WILL NOT EAT HER IN FRONT OF YOU.”
Yesssss. This is exactly what I wanted.
“Well you’ve left me with no choice. What is the trial?” I yelled back at him.
“ YOU MUST ENGAE ME IN MY MOST FAVORITE OF GAMES…A GAME OF WORDS. WE TROLLS PRIDE OURSELVES IN OUR INTELLIGENCE.”
At this, I had to stifle a laugh with a cough. Was this guy serious? Apparently he was.
“YOU WILL ANSWER MY RIDDLE, AS YOU HAVE PROVEN SO ADEPT AT DOING CONSIDERING YOU ARE HERE, BUT THIS ONE IS BY FAR ABOVE YOU HUMAN. ARE YOU READY?”
“ Lay it on me, water trash.”
“ I CANNOT WAIT TO EAT YOU AND THE GIRL HUMAN. LISTEN NOW AND LISTEN WELL, FOR I HAVE A RIDDLE TO TELL…..”
My hands move silently in producing the necessary seals and summon signs. I can’t do it like last time as I had exhausted most of that power….damn you Eric Roberts, but if the wolves kept up their end, then this should work.
“MY LEGS DO NOT WALK, AND MY MOUTH DOES NOT TALK. DARK JETS FLOW THROUGH ME, DARK JETS FLOW OUT OF ME. I MOVE NOT IN FRIGHT, MY GRASP HOLDS WITH MIGHT, AND I SCARCELY LIKE THE LIGHT. THE EARTH WILL NEVER HAVE ME, AND THE WATERS CONSUME ME….WHAT AM I?”
If this guy only did his homework.
“Wolves….” I say with no hesitation.
“ WRONG, HUMAN! THAT IS NOT THE CORRECT ANSWER, AND WITH THAT YOU FORFEIT YOUR LIFE. THE ANSWER IS…”
“ I am not answering your riddle you sack of shit. “
Snarls and barks. The wolves stood behind the troll, Lillith in tow. She looked slightly beat up, but for the most part safe and sound. That look on her face though, she was going to enjoy this more than I was.
“INSUFFERABLE DOGS!! HOW DARE YOU CROSS MY BRIDGE WITHOUT PERMISSION!!”
The troll was pissed now, and for a quick second, I thought it was going to get really ugly. However, you guys know what’s up with us, and this troll had no idea what sort of hell he just opened for himself. Lillith’s face was filled with white hot fire, and the wolves were salivating.
“ You okay?” I asked her. No response..only fire.
“YOU WILL BOTH DIE HERE AND NOW AND I WILL EAT YOUR INSIDES FIRST SO YOU WILL DIE IN AGONY!” the troll screamed. He bent over and grabbed what seemed like an entire tree, and lifted it above his head, ready to swing.
“Tentacles,” I proclaimed to him.
“WHAT?! THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER EITHER!” he bellowed.
“ Of course it isn’t,” Lillith said. “ For someone with such high intelligence, as you say, you are completely short sighted. “
“ I’ll see you back at the lair, Lillith. Have fun with this.” I said as I turned my back to them. My job was done, the rest was all for her enjoyment.
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING HUMAN?! I WILL CRUSH YOU……”
“ Not nearly as big as last time, but it’ll do,” I thought to myself.
The troll stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. Around his legs and waist, tentacles had sprouted from the ground and wrapped themselves around him. Crushing his leg bones and squeezing his insides to the point of near total collapse. He struggled for breath as they brought him down to his knees, a perfect height for what came next. Lillith’s wolves stood eye to eye with the troll on an embankment near opposite the bridge. Lillith stood between them, hating this troll with everything she was made of. She looked at her wolves, and then looked back at the troll.
“ You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you took me, did you? Even if Arthur didn’t show up, my wolves would have found me eventually. I will add you to my collection, and they will add you to their menu. Feast, my lovelies. “
The howl of the wolves and the sound of the troll screaming in horror was music to my ears as I walked back through the woods. Lillith was no damsel in distress. In all honesty, the wolves just needed me as a distraction so they could get by unnoticed, which they would have figured out eventually, even without my help. I am not one to heed the call of battle though, even if I have to fight dirty. I toss you all a wink with that statement. I can still hear the wolves growling and tearing flesh, but I no longer hear the troll.
As I broke through the forest and entered the clearing surrounding the lair, I saw Lillith in the field in front of me. She didn’t seem too bad now, and she still had a bit of smoke coming out of her eyes.
“ Thank you.” She said to me.
“ For what? I didn’t do anything except provide a few squigglies to trip him up a bit. That was all you. To be honest, I was expecting this to be a bit harder. The rescue that is…..”
“ I wasn’t talking to you, Arthur.”
The wolves padded up next to me, mouths covered in blood and with awful steaming breath. They looked at me, and then did something I have never seen them do before. It looked almost like a bow, or a long stretch, but it could have been a bow. Then they nuzzled my legs. DAAAAAAWWWWWWW. It was pretty cute….minus the whole blood thing, but cute nonetheless. Until I saw what they were really doing…..wiping the blood on my pants….and bounded back to Lillith’s side.
“You motherf…… GET BACK HERE!!! Do you know how hard it is to summon these pants? They don’t make them this black at JC Penney you dicks! GET BACK HERE!!”
Liilith winked at me as she turned around and headed towards her section of the grounds. Aaaaahhhh this is gonna be a pain to get out. The troll blood stank as well. I guess the wolves just wanted to get it off of them so they wouldn’t have to smell it anymore. I don’t blame them, but it still doesn’t make it any better. I guess they smell just as bad…on the inside.
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