Horror of Horrors: The 5 Worst (Best) Ways to Die/ Torture Treatments
Disclaimer: Before anyone goes crazy over this article, calm the fuck down. It’s mostly fictional in terms of the methods, and is meant to be funny and informative. Besides, it’s not like I’m the one that came up with these. So keep that in mind while reading and enjoy, or cry at these horrible things.
Welcome back to your little slice of hell and damnation. I, of course, am your fearless and fear mongering leader, Arthur Harkness. A little bit of a backstory on this one before we dive right in, I have been rewatching Oz recently, and in between massive amounts of dicks and betrayal, there is some brutal killing. It kind of got me thinking to be honest. If I were in prison, or anywhere, what would be my most preferred method of going out? Would it be in battle? Would it be in defense of someone I care about? I thought about this for about an hour before becoming increasingly bored……and then it hit me. Instead of what fashion of death I would choose, which method of life banishment would be the worst to receive? My mind went into combustion overdrive, and started thinking of every method of death that I have read, watched, listened to or performed in video games. Buckle in you bastards, because this one doesn’t end well for anyone.
5. The Brazen (bronze) Bull
For fucks sakes guys, some people back in the day were fucked up. Take a look at this for example. They must have really hated you if you were condemned to this way of meeting your end. As a means for torturing executing criminals and general dick-fors, the brazen bull was meant to literally roast you alive while you sit inside and do nothing but scream and shit yourself. They would put you inside of the bull, and then light a fucking fire beneath it just to keep you warm and roasty. Good god just thinking about it is making me sweat. I can’t even imagine the sheer horror and sense of hopelessness and fear that would overcome you while inside of this animal…..perverts. I fucking hate the summer let alone being given a personal August hell inside of a giant metal bull. We all know that back in the day people were pretty much killed for next to nothing, so being put into this thing could have been your worst nightmare, or something you deserved. Either way, I don’t want any part of this thing. Moving on.
4. Being turned into a Drider
Now this one is for my D+D/Forgotten Realms fans. Most of you guys know I am a big fan of the Drizzt and Companions of the Hall novels, and during Drizzt’s origin story, we were introduced to something that is a combination of pride theft, judgment and punishment. The Drow elves of Menzoberranzan are one of the most ruthless and wicked of all the races in the Forgotten Realms. Their society dictates that if you are not in line with the Drow code, then you are a fucking asshole and will be subjected to cruel and unusual punishments. Now not being a full on method of death, most who are turned into a drider would prefer death in any fashion compared to this treatment. When a drow offends Lloth (their spider god/queen) they are given the drider treatment, which involves turning the drow into a spider/drow hybrid, almost like a centaur except with less rape and more horror. The worst part is that Driders remember certain things, like their past life and the entire method of being transformed into a drider. Most of them either go mad, or are supremely dangerous. A dark elf that is full of spite, hate, madness and magic is nothing to be fucked with, especially when all they really want to do is figure out a way to reverse the process or just fucking die outright. Ugh….no thank you.
3. Rat Box
I didn’t want to horrify you guys too bad, so I’m giving you a picture of a rat with a wooden dick to cleanse your pallet. Enjoy.
Jesus Christ what the fuck is wrong with some people? Now before I go any further on this one, just be aware that this one is actually my favorite, and by favorite I mean most horrifying. The absolute cruelty and terrifying genius in creating this act is insane, yet totally effective. It is pretty much exactly as it sounds. A rat is placed upon a person’s stomach and a box is put over the rat. Scared yet? Not even the worst of it. Once everything is set up, the box that covers the rat is set on fire. Oh, and if I didn’t mention it already, which I haven’t, the bottom of the box that is placed over the rat and your stomach is open….you can see where this is going. When the box is set aflame, the rat panics, like it fucking should, and tried to get out. Boxed in on all sides, there is only one way out. You guessed it, burrowing through your fucking stomach. I feel like shit after a giant bowl of ice cream, and I did that to myself. I can’t even imagine the horror of being awake wile your stomach is set on fire and then a rat burrows through it. I would seriously be sucking all the dicks I could to get out of that treatment.
2. Shelob’s Dinner:
Have you guys noticed that spiders and I do not mix? Well it’s for good reason. I don’t mess around with anything with more than 4 legs..unless I am riding it into battle. Shelob, if you are visiting this site I am assuming you already know who she is, but for those who don’t, is the giant spider from Lord of the Rings. She was also the one that made Frodo spew weird foam from his mouth, due to a neurotoxin. See that’s the worst part of the whole thing; not the fact that you will be having all of your insides sucked out like so much milkshake, but the aspect of you being awake the whole time while it is happening. A quick little stab into you from her poison spewing vagina dick ( does that make any sense to anyone?) and you are down for the count. It’s like getting hit by Tyson, except you’ll lose more than your ear and there is no way to file an assault/rape charge after this…..because you’ll be dead and eaten. I also heard a rumor that when she eats you, she eats all of the things that you have eaten, so pile in all of the horrible things you can now, just so you can give her a slight middle finger as she acquires heart failure from your preemptive lifestyle. Nothing wrong with being prepared….but seriously, I don’t want any part of it or her. Humans have become so accustomed to being on top of the food chain, and we have inherently all acquired an absolute and total fear of being eaten….let alone being eaten alive. Fuck that.
Okay now I know you guys may be slightly disappointed at my choice for #1, but hear me out. I don’t care. When I originally came up with this piece, I had this envisioned as #1 from the get go, mainly because I have an innate fear of water where I can’t see or touch the bottom. Seriously, I will lose my fucking shit if I am involved in any situation like that. My mind is more capable of handling the bronze bull or getting eaten alive than handling being keelhauled. It’s like putting everything I hate in the entire world into one method of punishment/death. The method involves an unlucky sailor, who most likely did something awful to deserve this, as he is tied to a rope and tossed under the boat. Barnacles, rocks, animals, and the sea itself are going to rip you to shreds before you even get a chance to drown. If you’re lucky, your neck will not be strong enough to handle the immediate shock of being thrown under and you’ll either get decapitated or choked out quickly, but if you were unlucky enough to be tied by your legs or arms, it’s going to be a horrible experience and will be the last thing you ever witness. I can’t even fathom the amount of fear a person experiences when he is sentenced to this, and the act of actually sentencing someone to this has to do something to the person who carries it out….unless they are some kind of Satan spawn and are made of nothing but pure evil or are completely empty inside. Fuck this with a hammer.
I understand that there are more cruel and unusual punishments in the world of media, but these are the ones that I would be most afraid of. I also am not that big of a fan of torture and killing methods in general, unless it is in fantasy form, so I try to keep my mental list short….and you should all too. Don’t get any ideas from this column, but if you do have ones that are worse or more fucked up, my brain has an innate need to know of them, so drop me a line in the comments. Ugh, I feel like I need a shower after this one. My skin is fucking crawling.
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