The Ships Are Getting Ready to Sail: The Return of The Vikings
The time has come once again for myself and for you all to don your armor and sharpen your blades my fellow Vikings. February 27th marks the return of our favorite band of pillagers and problem solvers and I am so fucking pumped. You guys have no idea. I, and I am assuming you as well, have been waiting patiently since last year’s amazing first season of History Channel’s The Vikings. I know you have all been clamoring for it and my write ups concerning Ragnar and his band of fucking Christian slayers, and the time has finally come. But what can we expect this season for our Vikings? Let’s take a look. Floki! Get this ship ready for departure!
In the first season of what has quickly become one of the most popular shows that History Channel or any other channel has produced, we were introduced to a group of Vikings, led by our main character Ragnar and his followers, as they attempted to sail west into uncharted territory in search for riches and glory. In Ragnar’s way was the Jarl, played dickishly and brilliantly by Gabriel Byrne, who tried to stop Ragnar from succeeding every chance he could get. I loved the Jarl, as he provided us with a more close to home villain, but over time you realized he wasn’t so bad, just old and tired as most older warriors can get. He just wanted to chill on the throne, much like most of us would, but his way of doing so almost fucked everyone over. That was his mistake….along with marrying his daughter to a 90 year old man who is impossibly fertile and boner-fied for his age. Seriously, by that point, if you can still hold an erection and actually want to use it, you should get some kind of medal, because that’s fucking insane (see what I did there?) Ragnar and the Jarl came to literal blows during the season, and it fucking rocked so goddamn hard. Now if you guys haven’t watched the show or read my recaps, you may want to use caution for the rest of the article as it can contain some spoilers. I will try and be very careful about what I divulge and not try to give anything too awesome away, but it’s going to be very difficult to not do so considering this is sort of a theory piece on the next season. So be wary my Vikings, but by all means keep reading if you are ready.
While Ragnar is out west trying his best to wag his dick into the face of the Jarl from long distance, they stumble upon a monk/Christian village and proceed to do what we would all do in this situation, which is to brutally murder and pillage the village, even taking a prisoner in the priest Athalstan, who is one of the more compelling characters in the show. Seeing him go from priest to becoming a near Viking in his own right is seriously enjoyable to watch. I hope these comments aren’t too blasphemous to some of our more religious readers, but in all honesty, its fucking fiction so calm down. Anyways, seeing Athalstan’s faith breaking and seeing him go from what he used to be to what he is currently, is very endearing to watch. Can someone say Stockholme syndrome? I think so. His relationship with Lagertha (Ragnar’s wife, shield maiden and the woman of countless boner creations) and Ragnar’s family is awesome to watch as he comes to care for them. Will that be his undoing, or will it be his new reason to live considering his faith is currently breaking? Time will tell.
While Ragnar is pillaging this Christian village, which is so awesome and fucking brutal to watch, we are introduced to another possible villain and antagonist for Ragnar and his men. The Christian village was not unprotected, but these men were not used to the way the Vikings fight and were easily dispatched. This pissed off the King who was ruling over this village, and he has made it his point to kill Ragnar. Fat fucking chance asshole. Sit on your throne of power and see what happens when my Vikings roll through again and show you what for. His fate will be decided in the second season, and I want to see his head on the ground. Unfortunately for Ragnar though, this isn’t the only guy who has him in his sights, however this one is slightly more complicated.
In a sort of land deal gone bad, Ragnar finds himself in between two men who have laid claims to the same land. Even worse, his brother Rollo has gotten himself involved as well, but on the opposite side of Ragnar. DUN DUN DUN!!! Seriously though this is not good. The last thing Ragnar needs right now, after a pretty messed up night he has with some lady who turns out to be a princess, is his brother turning on him. This is going to be a major issue in the second season. Rollo stood up for Ragnar once when we thought he was going to turn on him, but it looks like this time it’s for super serious, guys, and I’m excited to see how it all turns out. I mean we all kind of thought Rollo was a bit shifty for most of the season, but we didn’t find out how much until the last episode. That bastard…..yet somehow I still love him…but not as much as Floki. That man deserves his own show and his own everything. His scenes are just so good and so crazy that he commands you to pay attention to him. I love it. Speaking of said princess, this is going to be a major focal point in the new season. From the recent previews and teasers that we have gotten in terms of the second season, she is shown in a very prominent role, with a very prominent belly. Whoops! Somebody got an EZ Bake oven for Christmas and it came loaded with Viking batter… Odin protect me….for I have just become the envy of the writing community. This is going to be very bad as Lagertha recently had an issue with her pregnancy and she is going to be none too happy when this home-wrecking lady shows up….even though Ragnar could have kept it in his pants. What’s funny though is that Ragnar pushed her away when she showed up for a second round of pork swordplay, so this could be a saving grace for him….although Lagertha may still wind up gutting that princess straight up…which will put every single Lifetime Movie to shame with its drama and emotion.
Ragnar is going to have a tough time in the coming season. He is sitting comfortably at the moment with his fame and glory continuously rising, and a possible son or girl on the way from Princess Lock-It-Down. Things are going to get pretty hairy this season with the Christians, the land dealers and the new kid, and I am sitting on defcon boner notice until the day of February 27th shows up. Soon we shall all feel the salt spray from the upturned keel of this boat of awesome called The Vikings. My warriors….the day is coming soon….and so am I. Look for recaps every week with your boy Arthur, and look for the day when I finally call you all to arms and battle. The time is soon upon us.
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