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Villain Spotlight: The Humans

Oh what a spot of trouble we find ourselves in. Welcome back everyone to your favorite theater of the terrible and vile. I, once again, am your host with the villainous posts, Arthur Harkness. I know I have already gone into certain genres and series before, but I felt like I had to dip into a certain pool once………TRANSMISSION HAS BEEN OVERRIDDEN. HUMAN KNOWN AS ARTHUR HARKNESS HAS BEEN CAPTURED. POST TITLED VILLAIN SPOTLIGHT HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED INTO HIVE MIND. DESTINATION EARTH IS TARGETED ONCE MORE.CLEANSING OF LAST TAKEOVER ATTEMPT IS IN EFFECT. WE HAVE TARGETED SPECIFIC OFFICIALS AND SO CALLED EARTH HEROES. WE WILL FIND THEM, AND WE WILL BREAK THEM. OFFICIALS OF MOTHERSHIP, KEEP A LOOKOUT FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS AS THEY HAVE PROVEN THEMSELVES PROBLEMATIC. DESCRIPTIONS AND DETAILS BELOW….

President Thomas J. Whitmore:

pullman id4

Known to be youngest President of the United States.  He enjoys keeping offspring awake long past nighttime reflection and deactivation period while watching humorless transmissions on screen. Is a remarkable fighter pilot and given the correct circumstances, a capable leader and inspirer. Known to make the most out of terrible times, and is not uncomfortable in dire situations. Knows how to handle current Earth technology with relative ease, although current Earth tech is pale in comparison to current mothership tech. Wife is deceased due to careless actions and what the humans call bravery. Daughter is safe and sound, president is still alive…unfortunately. Proceed with caution if encountered. Does not fight alone, much like most cowardly humans and is most likely protected by other humans, which makes little sense as they do not have exo suits. If found alive or dead, bring body back for processing. We need to know what makes him special.

Cable Repair Man David Levinson:

goldblum

Levinson is an enigma to us. Using primitive computer technology he was able to institute a virus to our central systems in disastrous ways. He is considered to be highly dangerous and unstable. He travels with his father and seems to have a slight rivalry with the president. This could be used against them in some fashion. Once again, proceed with absolute caution as his unstable nature and human “brilliance” is considered a high threat. He was the reason for our first failure, but will be dissected and hung up like the rest after this current invasion. Is known to play chess, recycle, and ride a bicycle to work, he is what the humans call a “douche”…whatever that means. However, their primitive form of interconnected information tunnels seem to have a sort of whimsical obsession with him, even going so far as to have multiple fake marriages on something they call “Instagram”. Bring in alive if possible, dismembered if you get the chance.

Captain Steven Hiller:

will smith id4

Known fighter pilot and American hero. Left girlfriend and her son to fend for themselves in initial invasion as he left to go join his fellow fighter pilots in a failed attempt to attack us. However, he is known to be highly resourceful and is a capable hand to hand combatant. Subdued one of our fighters in a battle, and then proceeded to strike him in the head portion of the exosuit a single time, while uttering something about the Earth. Kill this man as soon as possible. He is known to be a massive thorn in the side of the hive and teamed with the cable repair man to drive one of our ships directly into our former mothership. Do not attempt to subdue on your own. If found and caught, kill immediately. We do not have time to waste on men like this. He already caused us enough trouble and we cannot give him another opportunity to escape and cause more damage than he already has. KILL IMMEDIATELY.

Russell Casse:

randy quaid id4

This fucking guy! How in the fuck can this goddamn crop duster take down our entire fucking fleet? This is wholly unacceptable guys! I understand we were in slightly unfamiliar territory, but are you guys kidding me? How could you all let a crop duster alcoholic do that to us? I know he had a vengeance against us for some….previous visits we made to him….but cmoooooooooooon. I know he is already dead, as he sacrificed himself to blow up nearly everything, but I am sending this out to all of you in the hopes that this never happens again. For serious on this one. We were made a laughing stock of the entire galactic community with this blunder. If you see anyone like him, or anyone that may look like him, vaporize the ever loving fuck out of them immediately. No capture, no interrogation, just hot ion death. Men like this are what the humans refer to as “loose cannons” and must not be underestimated. I cannot stress this enough. KILL KILL KILL!!!

These are the most dangerous humans that this planet has, and we must do all we can to neutralize them before they can cause us any more harm. Anything you can do to stop them, DO IT. Anything you can do to bring glory to our collective hive will………..transmission is being overwritten….tentacles spewing from computers and tech, green glow and dead things crawl through mothership. System overload, the human designated Arthur Harkness has escaped…..capture and neutralize……..*static sounds*

If there is anything that you guys should have learned from the first time you tried doing this….is that we so called “humans,” are not to be trifled with…. especially when you have a Harkness on board. Who the fuck do you guys think you are? Nobody takes over my body and gets away with it…..not unless you’re Lady Harkness! See you thought that you were just grabbing some useless dick off the street, but you tangled with the wrong motherfucker you alien pricks!

This is for SPACEBALLS!!!! *WHAM*

This is for HANCOCK!!! *ZOOOOOM CRASH*

This is for JURASSIC PARK!!! * EXPLOSION*

And this……this is for CHRISTMAS VACATION 2!!!! *undead groans and tentacle wrapping*

FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!

And that’s why you don’t fuck with Earth. We may not have the most advanced society in the universe, but what we do have, is fucking balls and necromancers and giants and androids and magnum PI’s and vigilantes and robots! We have a brotherhood dedicated to this specific thing….how did you now know this before? We have a saying…..if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to get fucked by tentacles…..or something close to that. Maybe next time you’ll hijack someone else…..

smith and goldblum

Sorry about that guys, not sure what the hell just happened. I was all set and ready to write a serious Villain Spotlight for you guys, and then….this just sort of happened. It’s kind of crazy. I was onboard this weird ship, and everyone looks like dildo monsters….it was odd. They also had some sort of exosuits…..but not like that awesome Exo Squad cartoon…..it was all slimy and gross…..and looked like overgrown inside out vaginas…..I didn’t like it. However, I was able to record and remember some of the transmissions from this ordeal, so I guess it wasn’t totally for naught. Just goes to show all of the crazy stuff I do for you guys. Fuck, guys…..I need a shower or something after this.

Follow me on Twitter! @ArthurHarkness

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About Arthur Harkness

I like things, and things like me back

Posted on January 3, 2014, in Features, Geekology, Movies, Villain Spotlight and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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