Here’s to You 2013…..You Sack of Shit
Happy New Year you filthy animals! I hope you all had a very happy holiday season filled with joy and mirth and whatever else you standard humans enjoy. Mine was pretty awesome, mainly because of the sheer amount of blood and potion ingredients I received from my familiars and colleagues, but that wasn’t the only reason. It was also the end of an era, and the end of a year of total and complete bullshit. Oh whatever could you mean, Arthur? 2013 was a pretty good year! It was the year that the Evil Geeks made their stamp on the nation and all of these awesome Pop culture things happened! Well, you could say that, but in reality, none of that should have happened. What should have happened……was this……
At the end of 2012, we were all expecting some kind of issue…..and I believe you all know which one I mean. My father, being the superstitious man that he is, was fully prepared for the Mayan apocalypse to go down, especially since it was supposed to happen 1 day after his birthday, something he felt was of huge importance. I also was rather upset, because it wasn’t scheduled nearer to my day of birth, and I just assumed I was the most evil out of my family and the one with the giant destruction magnet on his back. However, this was sadly not the case. My father was the one branded with that responsibility, yet he did not want it. He was terrified, but not in a way that you would think, he was terrified because he thought he was going to be the harbinger of the end of times for man. I was bitter. THAT’S MY FUCKING JOB!!! I understand that sometimes things do not go your way, but this one I thought was going to go right into my hands, and I was happy and waiting for it. Imagine that? I could have sworn it was to be me, but the world threw us a curve ball, and it went to my father. Now this is where things get tricky.
On December 20, my father’s birthday, something happened that neither of us could have imagined. Now I know I have let you all know about the obsession my father and I have with sorcery and all kinds of fantastical things, but what happened on this day was well out of our ballpark of knowledge, and we weren’t sure how to deal with it. Early morning, I awoke to find my father still awake from the night before, not something that usually happens as we live opposite schedules, but it happened…..and then everything happened all at once. I stumbled up the stairs into the living room, and in the process of stubbing my toe and nearly falling over my sleeping dog, I noticed my father standing over by the mirror in an attempt to look at something on his back. He couldn’t quite make it out, and I could sense his frustrations in his futile attempts. I told him to turn around so I could get a better look…..and my jaw dropped to the floor. On his back was a giant “+” and in my brain was a giant red flag. This could not be. How could it? I mean I was already slightly annoyed that I was not the harbinger of the end of times, but for it to be so close and within my grasp, was not something I could properly handle. I was in shock. I wanted it, but my dad got it. This simply would not do.
I told him there was nothing there, but with my shaky voice, he knew something was up. I was hard pressed to find an explanation for him, as there just simply couldn’t be another one besides the fact that he was chosen…..and not me.
“ I don’t want this……” my father said.
“ Don’t want what?” I responded.
“ You know…..I never wanted this. I wanted you to have it. I can’t be the one to make this decision…..”
And with that, my hate was shattered, and my bitterness dissolved. He never wanted it….I knew that. But his admission of it was the catalyst for me to change up my thought patters. If I couldn’t be the one to actually trigger the end, I could at least guide the person who was. This would suit me just fine, and it would help take this terrible burden off of my father. My father has worked hard his entire life, and he has done everything he possibly could to make things easier for us and to make things easier on me as I transitioned into full on sorcerer and conjurer in my later years. His wisdom proved priceless to me, and now it was my turn to guide him for once. It was the best thing I could do….the only thing I could do, and by Satan, I did it with pride and just a tiny bit of arrogance. Nothing wrong with a little bit of confidence, right?
I sat my father down and explained to him what was going on. He was very well versed in most things, but he was never the world ender type, not like myself. I was bred for such things, and most humans have no idea how to handle that sort of pressure. My father, who can handle almost any situation, was not dealing with this as well as he should have, but it is a very understandable situation he was in. No one wants that responsibility, except for me that is. So it came to pass that I prepared him over the course of the next 7 hours for what was inevitably to come…..the time for the decision. Most people thought that the Mayans were giving us the end date as their calendar did not go past the date of December 21, however, the reason that was done was because that was the chosen day of the decision. They were unable to come up with any more days after that because they weren’t sure if there would be any. With two possible outcomes, it is next to impossible to predict what is going to happen, and if the days on the calendar would keep going. It’s rather hard to predict if someone is going to push that giant red button…..even though I want to so bad.
The time passed way too quickly, and the clock was about to strike midnight. I walked outside on my front porch to enjoy one last smoke before I had my father press that giant red button and plunge us all into a wasteland of scorched earth and dried up seas under a canopy of burnt out stars. I wanted it so bad…..but why didn’t it feel right? Nothing felt right……nothing felt true like it should have. This should have been the best day of my entire life, and the end of everyone else’s…..but it didn’t feel right. I finished my smoke and went back inside…..just in time to see my father sitting in his chair, with his face in his hands. He was not born for this……he can’t push the button. I needed to be the one to do it. No man should have to carry that burden…..no man but I. I looked my father in the eyes, and I could see he was not able to do it.
“Give it to me,” I said.
He looked at me with giant eyes, and he knew that it was the right thing to do. He didn’t know how to transfer the burden, but the universe did. A giant red light engulfed us, and in a matter of seconds, my back began to burn with the transfer of the burden. He looked at me, and I looked back. It was time.
I stepped outside onto the front porch, and lit what I thought was going to be my last cigarette ever. I sat on the porch for a good ten minutes, and looked at my watch. 5 to midnight. I would have to do it soon. I thought about all of the things I would miss and all of the opportunities that I would not be able to take advantage of. All of the people I wouldn’t get to see, all of the things I wouldn’t be able to do with the world ended…….and then it hit me. I would not be able to play Kingdom Hearts 3 if I blew up the world…..well FUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT. This was something that could not stand in my book. I had been waiting far too long for both of these moments, and in the end, it would all come down to this decision. If I blow up the world, I never get to play it. If I wait, I will be denying my god given right to play executioner of the world……damn these emotions.
As you all know, we all survived the Mayan apocalypse, mainly because I was too obsessed with Japanese American hybrids…..which you should all count yourselves lucky that I have such an obsession. As luck would have it, Kingdom Hearts 3 was announced not 5 months later, and I am now aware of much larger things than just what we are made privy to. I am now aware of a greater plan, and that involves Kingdom Hearts 3, and my never ending quest to destroy heartless things. It is essentially what saved us all from never ending darkness and despair. So this new year, count yourselves among the fortunate and thank whatever gods you pray to for this announcement. To be honest, the big red button has about a 7 month delay on it, so I could have pressed it whenever, but I just couldn’t….not after the announcement. 2014 is looking to be rather promising however, and hopefully you guys will be with us when we strike internet gold. Oh and one more thing…..you are welcome Earth.
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