Let Me Put My Suggestions In You: Saints Row the Third

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Okay , okay I know I’m a bit late to this party, but I felt like I needed to at least toss my hat in for a minute. I don’t normally get too into the GTA games, mainly because it’s just not too interesting to me. I mean I enjoy it quite a bit, but after like 5 hours, I’m bored. But how can that be? There’s so much to do!? So much to kill and take over?! Which in there lies the point. Sometimes there is simply too much to do. I am all about getting all the bang for your buck, as my frequent visits to the City of Industry have proven, but sometimes it can be just a little too much. It also just seems a bit too real for me and to be honest, when I play games I like to feel like I’m playing a game, not playing NYC simulator. Enter Saints Row the Third. This is how sandbox style games should be made…..for me at least.

It all started with Reddit, much like most things nowadays. I was browsing r/Gaming a while back when the third entry in the Saints Row series had been released. I had heard about it, but like the reasons previously stated, I wasn’t too interested. I felt like it was just a GTA clone, but fortunately, albeit a little bit later than necessary, I discovered that I was wrong.  I picked this badboy up a week and a half ago, and just finished the main game and most of the missions over the weekend. Needless to say, I had a fucking blast with this game. Here is why……giant purple dildos……I’m being fucking serious here too. The exact moment I realized this game was not going to be your standard affair, besides the amazing opening sequence with the plane crash and the daring escape, was when I received my first main melee weapon…a giant purple dildo attached to the handle of a baseball bat. Good fucking god.

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Of course the first thing I did once receiving this instrument of God’s wrath was to employ it on the very first person I saw, which happened to be this little old man crossing the street. His body was ragdolled as it went spinning through the air after a home run swing of this compensation filled cudgel. It was fucking nuts, and it only got more insane as the game went on, much to my delight. The thing with Saints Row is that they really do not take themselves or the game too seriously, which is the best thing they could possibly do. Some of the lines and characters that you will meet on this trip into slight madness are pretty engaging and endearing, and it shows that even though games these days are getting much more serious and realistic, there are still some out there that care about fun. Thank you Saints Row.

The plot revolves around you and your crew attempting to get your shit back together after some issues pop up at the beginning of the game. Over the course of the last two games in the Saints Row series, you have acquired a vast empire of wealth and power, but all of that is gone after the opening sequence of the game, and you need to get it back in stylish fashion. You have a group of homies that show up when you need them, and you have a pretty well stocked arsenal to help you mow down your opposition. You will tear through the streets gaining more wealth and property as you attempt to set up shop in the new city you find yourself involved in. For lack of a better term, you are essentially going to make this town your sweet, sweet lady. Near nothing can stand in your way while you attempt to make another name for yourself in the town, and that name is savior. I’m only joking, your name will most likely be big dick swinger or purple pussy eater or something. Kids these days. Actually, I shouldn’t even be surprised.

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Usually, when it comes to sandbox games like this, you will have your standard set of missions and whatnot, usually dealing with kill this guy, take over this thing, and get this thing from that guy to give to this guy and get this thing, but in Saints Row, there is usually quite a bit of variety. For example, you have your standard courier missions where you have to protect a drug dealer while he does his thing, or escorts things while you guide prostitutes around town while they go to work, or you can pilot a helicopter and blow cars up while protecting your buddies from harm. Those are all fun but pretty standard, and then you get these types of missions, ranging from getting involved in a Lucha Libre wrestling match for the fate of the city, to shooting people in places not of this earth….it’s amazing, and I love it. I think I laughed way too hard when a certain celebrity pops up towards the end of the game and lends a helping hand to your cause…..you mustachioed bastard. There’s also just such variety in terms of missions and content that you will rarely get bored with playing this game. It doesn’t take as long as most games of this genre either. I was at 20 hours when I hit 82% completion, and most of that was fucking around and having fun. If you wanted to just burn through the missions and side stuff you can probably get it all done in about 15 hours. For 100% completion however, you will probably have to put in a bit more time than that, especially if you’re going after achievements or trophies, as you will have to play the game twice most likely all the way through.

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Like I said, I know I’m a bit late to the Saints Row party, but I am glad I made it there eventually. I have already put in a request for the 4th installment for Axemas, and hopefully the Red Coated Snow Demon who haunts children once a year will hear my prayers and accept my sacrifices in exchange for the ability to swing some giant purple dildos once more. I honestly think you should all go and grab this game, considering its cheap now since its been out a couple years, and shouldn’t set you back too many pennies. Check it out! Arthur knows you’ll enjoy it just as much as he did. Also, if you get the opportunity, grab those fucking Apoca-fists. You will be happy you did. Enjoy!!

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About Arthur Harkness

I like things, and things like me back

Posted on December 17, 2013, in Let Me Put My Suggestions In You, Video Games and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. thank you! much appreciated!!

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