Let Me Put My Suggestions In You: Jingle All The Way
Hold up. Now before any of you start to give me shit for this, you need to understand that whatever negative opinion you have concerning this movie is completely and absolutely wrong, and this movie could easily be one of the greatest Christmas films ever to grace a silver screen. Trust me on this one, as I will tell you why this needs to be viewed and included in your yearly holiday traditions. For reals. Now strap in, turn on your JetPack, and give Sinbad the middle finger because this one is going to be all cheery and shit.
I am going to go out on a limb with this real quick, but stay with me here….Jingle All The Way may be the most prolific holiday movie in existence. There….I said it. Before you start shaking your fist with rage and telling me that with movies like It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol out there, there is no way Jingle All The Way could be number 1. Well you’re wrong and here is why. Jingle All The Way is not simply just a holiday movie, it is a visual interpretation of a two men being shaken, broken, and forced to turn to their more base and primal instincts simply to survive. Let that sink in for a minute. I know it sounds somewhat ridiculous considering the subject matter, but hold my hand for a minute. What is Christmas supposed to be about? If you said presents, congrats because you are honest but a horrible person. If you said family, then you are a good person but also wrong. Christmas is all about one thing, and it is the defeat and crushing of your rivals and fellow humans on the battlefield that is holiday shopping. That is it. No more, no less. Now I have a feeling that may institute some kind of negative response from some of you, in which case I simply don’t give a fuck, because you all love me and I love you, so we have an understanding, but seriously, that’s it. When you’re a kid, all you think about is that new toy or game or awesome new thing that you saw on Tv that you simply cannot live without, and the fact that you don’t have a job makes it that much harder to get. So what do you do? You send out your parents to try and find this most likely sold out item, and god help them if they don’t find it. Case in point, that goddamn Turbo Man doll in Jingle All The Way….and don’t get me fucking started on Booster. Nobody wants the sidekick, unless is Damien Wayne.
The holidays bring people down to their most miserable and base instincts for about a month and a half until the day is finally upon us and the gods can rest knowing that the world was not destroyed in the month of December. Jingle All The Way paints this picture with such bright and vivid colors that it is almost painful to watch, not because of the movie itself, but just what people get themselves into for toys. The movie is wonderful and you should watch it every chance you get. Arnold stars as the father who is constantly working all the time because it doesn’t seem like his wife or anyone else in his family does anything except get upset with him for providing them a huge house and awesome shit called HEAT to keep their beds warm at night. All his wife seems to get the time to do is make cookies, take their shitty kid to karate practice, and make it home just in time to be ogled by Phil Hartman, which if I was in the same position, I would quit my job for the opportunity to be ogled by Phil Hartman all day every day. It’s crazy how ungrateful this lady is. Anyways, much like previously mentioned, the kid gets in his brain that he wants this super awesome Turbo Man toy that is the Tickle Me Elmo of their universe, and pretty much impossible to find anywhere. So what to do? Send the busy dad out to go find it in the jungle that is their local mall/toy store/ internment camp and have him nearly lose his life on multiple occasions just to get it. It’s a wonder there wasn’t a neighborhood homicide watch after those words were uttered to him. Trust me, it gets bad. Now my question for this is…..why?
I am not going to say that I was one of those kids that just asked for peace on earth when Christmas came to town, because I wasn’t. Much like all other kids, there were things I wanted that I simply couldn’t get on my own, so my parents got them for me for Christmas. For example, Arthur was huge into Power Rangers as a kid, and Mother Harkness drove all the way to Connecticut from NY to grab that White Ranger that everyone was looking for…not racist at all. She found it, and when I got it, I said my thank yous before jumping up and down, but was I really thankful for it? You bet your fucking ass I was. Not as much as I am now that I understand the process of acquiring such items, but I definitely was at the time as much as a child could be. If I had known what it took to get that though, I would have told my mom not to even bother, because how could I, as a human being, ask another human being to do that for me? It’s like the biggest dick move in history. But I did it, and we all have done it, because we didn’t know any better. However, in Jingle All The Way, this kid fucking knew it. He knew how hard it was to get that toy, and you know what he did? He still fucking asked for it. What a prick. Funny thing is, that kid plays Anikin Skywalker in the prequels, and the hate kept itself going even into the Star Wars universe. This kid’s unnecessary need to get this toy literally almost brought his family to divorce. How could you send your father, who does nothing but work his ass off for you guys, to the point of even calling a customer by a DIFFERENT FUCKING NAME in the hopes of merely appeasing them long enough so he can get to that shitty karate recital….exhibition….fight….whatever they call it. He makes it, but too late…..because he was working to keep them warm and their bellies full.
Now, here is the real madness of the entire situation. Arnold does his best but forgets to grab the toy, so now he’s on the clock to locate it, which at this point there is no fucking way he is going to find it. The search begins, and so does the misery. Every place he goes is sold out and in the process, gets involved in such shenanigans that nearly his entire life and existence is extinguished. Between getting involved in a mall riot, counterfeit schemes being created by mall santas, getting his entire car harvested for parts, and meeting another father on the same sort of insane warpath (Sinbad), he still can’t find the Turbo Man toy. Do you guys wanna know what happens now? His fucking wife gets pissed and essentially says she is over with him, because of a goddamn toy. I understand there may be some lingering issues that don’t involve the toy, but it was the catalyst for this whole thing. After all of that, he still loves his family enough to steal from the neighbor’s tree as they bought a Turbo Man months ago, because they are fucking insane. He doesn’t completely go through with it, but he gets super close, and burns a plastic reindeer to the ground in the ensuing commotion. This is what you have done to your father, kid. You’ve broken him, nearly ended his marriage, and almost killed him because of that goddamn toy. Fuck you kid.
Now if all of that wasn’t enough, here comes the part where he is almost killed, and simultaneously arrested for endangering the lives of multiple people and performers. Infiltrating the parade that his kid and wife wanted to go to, he is mistaken for the Turbo Man actor and gets put into the suit, and fucking flown around the entire city block on a jet pack. First off, AWESOME, second, YES!!! This is the only part that I am assuming he enjoyed because, cmon, jet pack. Sinbad makes his return as well and dresses up as the Villain from the Turbo Man series, and the costume comes with actual sharp projectiles that he fires off at random. That’s okay, no innocent bystanders or anything. This is what the season drove both of these men to. In a time where we should be all be happy just to be alive, these men are fighting for their lives atop buildings and through crowds of people….for a fucking toy. At the end, the kid sees that his dad was Turbo Man, he flips shit because that’s awesome ,and they all have a happy ending as the marriage is saved, and Arnold is the hero. After all of this, he even has the heart to give the Turbo Man to Sinbad, because he understands that his family is better off than Sinbad’s and he really needs it for his kid to be happy. Imagine that. The man who is almost broken and killed is the one who actually learns something, not the kid and wife who sent him to his almost certain doom. We now know who the real villains are in this story. That shitty fucking kid and his ungrateful wife. Sorry kids and ladies, this is not a direct attack on you in general, just in this movie. You cannot tell me that I am not right in this. I am SO right.
So what have we all learned here today? Have we learned not to be shitty kids? Have we learned not to be shitty significant others? No. We only learned that even though you can work hard, and make sure your family is provided for, that you will never be able to satisfy them forever. I know this may be a sort of Christmas downer, but I am just trying to be real with you guys. Please….don’t kill eachother this year in trying to get that new toy or that new game or that new whatever it is. Chances are, if you put on the outfit of that person/toy/game, you will most likely get in better with your kids and wife/husband. Pieces of plastic can be replaced. People, cannot. Besides, we all know that when I got the White Ranger for Christmas that one year, I was ecstatic, but if my dad dressed up like the White Ranger that year, I would have lost my shit because my entire life would have been a lie. Please make this film a yearly viewing for you and your family as it details what we see when a man finally reaches the end of his holiday rope, and it’s an amazing journey witnessing it. This is why this movie shows its strength as the ONE and ONLY holiday movie you should see this year, minus the Home Alone movies because those are required viewing. Happy Holidays!!