Amigos on Trial
Recently, I wrote an article on the film ¡Three Amigos! as part of our month-long Brovember celebration. In case it was not made obvious throughout the course of that article, I am a big fan. I don’t think I personally know anyone who dislikes the movie, and I began to wonder if any such person exists under the sun. I started searching the negative reviews on Amazon.com and, while almost all of them complained of technical issues with either the VHS tracking or the DVD transfer, there were a few assholes who actually didn’t like this movie! And here, for your viewing pleasure, are those reviews.
So, while we all know that these people are wrong, I plan to discredit their individual opinions so that we may PROVE that they are wrong. First up, let’s have a look at this Paul Smith character. His only other review on Amazon is for the film “Leap of Faith”, also starring Steve Martin. Here’s what he had to say about that one.
Next, we have “Robert” who calls this film a “watse of time”. Since we can’t convict him on terms of spelling or grammar, let us move to his other reviews. There are, after all, 322 of them ranging from lanterns and paring knives to beef jerky (from Amazon) and a FUCKING DEFIBRILLATOR. This guy has bought many knives, a gas can, and a device for restarting dead human hearts. His reviews mention communism on a few occasions, which is unsettling since they were all written in the 21st century. But then I came across this one…
Does this guy have the whole 1-5 Stars system backwards? I think we can disregard his opinion now, no?
Next on the stand we have “tom”. This one was easy.
Then we had “bdx3” whose only other review was for the American remake of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. He gave five stars to a movie that, despite having two prewritten sequels ready to be adapted, will more than likely be forever the first and only part of a trilogy. I think it’s safe to say that bdx3 chose the wrong horse in this race.
“A Customer”, who watched this movie in school during March of 2004, was not impressed. Sadly, he or she reviewed the film anonymously, so I cannot destroy their other opinions. Goddamn teenagers.
Shawn P. McDonald, who called ¡Three Amigos! a “Stinker” has no other reviews published. His hate for this movie is so great that he bothered to write one and only one review, telling us that it has not improved since its theatrical release. My theory is that he expected a very different kind of movie about three very different amigos, and is still bitter about being forced to masturbate to a western comedy. Perhaps he was even arrested for indecent exposure when he pleasured himself in a crowded multiplex, thinking he was in the confines of his usual adult theater. That’s probably why he hated it, right?
Next on the stand, we have “Mac”. This piece of evidence may be a bit biased.
Fuck Boondock Saints and fuck Mac. If the lack of eloquence in that last argument hurts my case, I don’t care. I’m tired of Boondock Saints being presented as some cinematic masterpiece.
Lastly, we have this character, here. “Fast Gun Fife” is a real piece of work! They say that ¡Three Amigos! is 1/100 the movie that Vegas Vacation is. They also erroneously state that European Vacation is better than Vegas Vacation. No matter, though… I won’t get dragged into comparing those movies when THIS review exists:
When someone refers to Two & A Half Men as a “great show”, it is tantamount to their writing “My opinion cannot be trusted”, in feces, on my grandmother’s headstone.
So, while technically I cannot prove that these people are lying, I can certainly call their testimony into question. And isn’t the shadow of a doubt all that is needed for us to hold off judgment? If their word cannot necessarily be trusted, is it not safe to assume that ¡Three Amigos! has earned a perfect rating? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m not some fancy big city lawyer. I didn’t attend some high-price law school or attain some “necessary” degree, I’m just a humble man defending the good name of a favorite movie by destroying the credibility of its naysayers… and is there anything more American than that?
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