What They Should Have Done: Congo
Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to another round of Arthur ruins/makes shitty movies better in the column that is sweeping the nation and invading your brains. I was recently speaking to a buddy of mine concerning this movie, and although I feel that it is a perfect masterpiece of the dramatic persuasion, some people feel that it is simply horrible and ridiculous. Shame on those of you in agreement with that statement, as this movie is a classic example of how to properly use Tim Curry and gorillas on the same roll of film. I scratched my brain though, for the sake of writing and comedy, and rewatched a couple scenes of this piece, and found that one in particular stood out to me. It wasn’t too important at first look, but after noticing a few things, I came to the conclusion that nearly everything could have been stopped and avoided by the intervention of just one man…..and that man’s name is Arthur Harkness.
Congo came out in the mid nineties, in a time when CGI was just becoming amazing, yet still struggling to find its proper place. We had cheap effects, yet sometimes we had these monstrous feats of computer and film wizardry that blew my mind. I remember going to see this movie in theaters with some family and friends, and after leaving said theater, I knew what I wanted to do with my life, which is fucking be Tim Curry. There is not a time in my life where I don’t think certain situations could benefit from that goddamn sneer and voice. Shit, simply just going to work or hanging out on the couch could be made exponentially better with his inclusion. Tell me it wouldn’t and I’ll tell you that you are a liar and a part of the rebel alliance. Yes there is a talking gorilla in this movie that is an alcoholic and uses sign language wired up to a bionic arm mechanism……I’m sorry I just blacked out writing that…..where were we? Oh yes, alcoholic gorilla with bionic sign language talking arm…..oh your God… it happened again…. I’m sorry but I am not sure I can actually write that in full without my brain exploding. Anyways, Amy is the name of the gorilla, and I can barely even type that. Amy is taken to the Congo by her handlers and so called friends, because to be honest, I will never call any person a friend if they take me to the Congo, because I do not like warm weather and sweating balls with a mixture of rotfoot and swamp everything. ALL SET.
The premise involves said handlers and said alcoh *cough shit cough * excuse me, alcoholic gorilla venturing to the Congo in search of a lost team of tomb seekers/archaeologists/ stupid assholes (except you Bruce Campbell) who were killed by these giant and ancient looking gorillas who are beyond super strong and territorial. They protect this lost city of Zinge, or in the words of Tim Curry, The Laust Citeee of Siinnge, which is said to hold some kind of treasure. Spoiler alert, it’s diamonds…..because we definitely need those…..for real, they have a super powerful laser that they just happened to bring with them, and it zaps and fries in spectacular fashion. On the way though, they are detained by an African military once they enter Congo, in what is clearly the most amazing scene in any movie. Now, I know I have told you guys that I like to go through the whole movie, but to be honest, it’s a lot simpler and more precise if I go through a single scene, much like I am going to do here. Setting things up, our crew is being detained, and the head handler plus Tim Curry are in a room with the African general, and things take a turn for the fucking amazing. Grab my hand guys, this one is a doozy. Once again, scene, Curry, Handler, General, Harkness.
General: Gentlemen, do you know it is illegal to fly over my air space….especially while in possession of such precious cargo….
Handler: Amy is not cargo Mr General, Amy is our friend….
General: I was not referring to the alcoholic gorilla Mr Handler, I was speaking of one Mr Humulka
Tim Curry: Yeeessss see it is pronounced Curry my good man, but today I shall be Humulka….
General: Today you shall be shutting your mouth Mr Hamulka. A silent man is a living one, understand?
Arthur Harkness: That sounds kind of almost like a threat good sir.
General: Threat is a very strong word Mr……I do not think I know who you are….
Arthur Harkness: Your daughters do…
General: What was that?
Arthur Harkness: Nothing. My Name is Arthur Harkness sir, and I am here to help out in this so called rescue mission…..which I wouldn’t be on if my “friends” were really my friends at all……
General: What is it that you are here to do Mr Harkness? Save your companions? Encroach on my airspace bans? Steal from me?
Arthur Harkness: Uuhhhh……I’m not sure if you really understand what’s going on here….you saw we have an alcoholic gorilla with us right? What part of that screams “ We have a plan?”
General: I see….well then, we may be just having a slight misunderstanding….please, have some sesame cake, I insist.
Tim Curry: Whhhyyy thank you my good man, I would love some…..
General: My Humulka….stop eating my sesame cake….
Tim Curry: Mmmpphh?
General: STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!!
Arthur Harkness: This is literally the best thing I have ever seen…
General: Mr Harkness….is something funny?
Arthur Harkness: You just offered him some cake, and then made him spit it out. Tell me that’s not hysterical….hey Mr Body, how does it taste? Like shame? Haha this is amazing.
General: Mr Harkness, I have a feeling you are not taking me seriously. I do not wish to allow you into my airspace, not without the proper tribute being paid.
Arthur Harkness: Tribute, huh? What would that involve? You didn’t tell him to spit out the cake just for fun, did you? Ulterior motives much?
Handler: Arthur…..please don’t antagonize him….
Arthur Harkness: Antagonize? This coming from the guy who made a gorilla an alcoholic…..fuck…..and brought all of these people into the goddamn jungle to look for a group of assholes who got lost….in the middle of a jungle….in a place that we have never been to….in a jungle….fuck you, guy.
Handler: Seriously stop. Otherwise he isn’t going to let us get through here….
General: Let the man speak. He seems to be the only one of you all with wits about him. Mr Harkness, how did you get involved with these weak men and a gorilla with a martini problem?
Arthur Harkness: You ever do something you shouldn’t and you get put into a sort of program?
General: I am in the military Mr Harkness…..
Arthur Harkness: Oh then you are aware. Listen, I just came to the conclusion that an enabler, a man who is too much of a dick to finish the cake he already started, and by far the most ridiculous feat of human ingenuity in that alcoholic gorilla, are my group of coworkers and co-adventurers in this place that is most likely going to kill one or all of us. You know, I think I would rather you just send me home, or keep me here and let me work with you guys. Would that be possible?
Handler: Arthur, what the fuck , man?
Arthur Harkness: What do you mean? Did you not just hear me? We’re seriously all going to die out there because we are following the lead of a drunken gorilla. Do you know who else was like that? The Mongols, and granted, they took over most of the known world at the time, but eventually it all comes back to haunt them. You know where they lost their biggest battle and where the death place of Genghis Khan is? The fucking Congo….
Tim Curry: Sirrrr….I believe you must be mistaken…..
Arthur Harkness: Says the guy who just pissed himself at the thought of finishing his cake. Fuck you.
Handler: That is bordering on lunacy Harkness…..
Arthur Harkness: You are literally the only person in this room that has no leg to stand on when it comes to saying something is crazy…..DRUNKEN ….GORILLA!!!
General: Mr Harkness….I am not sure what to make of you. You seem to be more in tune with my own personality, but there is a side of you that frightens me…..
Arthur Harkness: Oh yeah?
General: The side that actually made you say yes to joining these fools on their supposed mission here. That side is filled with lunacy. Your actions scream it as well. However, I find you interesting, and if you would like to stay here, it would be my pleasure.
Arthur Harkness: Oh thank your god. I appreciate it. Listen guys, I highly recommend you all not continue on this freaking shitshow of a mission. You are seriously all going to die, and that gorilla will feast upon your entrails. I fucking PROMISE you…..
Handler: Arthur, you are making a huge mistake here….please re-consider.
Arthur Harkness: Not a fucking chance you asshole. Curry Mulka, you’re staying here too buddy.
Tim Curry: Excuse me? Sir, once again I believe you are mistaken….
General: No….he has that part right. The only way you will be given access to my air space and jungle, is if you leave the both of them here, and then leave without so much as an incident. Is that clear?
Arthur Harkness: Fuck yeah it is. So when do I get my gun and awesome beret thingy you guys are rocking?
General: I am starting to think this is a mistake….
Arthur Harkness: yeah ask my mother about that one…… Peace Bitches!! Have fun dying in the fucking wilderness. How’s the cradle of civilization? Filled with super powerful gorillas and a missing Bruce Campbell? Yeah good luck with that.
Amy the Gorilla: Amy…want….raindrop drink…..
Arthur Harkness: I’m keeping the gorilla…..
AAAAAAAnd Scene! Well? How was that? Tell me you didn’t just feel the sheer amazingness that is Congo + Arthur. I know what you are all thinking right now, which is why I don’t write for big time Hollywood and spend my days laying by the pool and being waited on by a harem of Witchblade endowed women? It’s because I am a humble man……and I do this all for you guys. The ones who visit us every day and week and month and now every year. I do it because you guys need this, and I need this too. I honestly can’t say how much it means to me when you guys stop by the site and read our articles and look at our pictures. It really does mean a lot, so that is why I stay up late and get in trouble with friends and family. I do this because it’s what I was meant to do, and it’s what you are all meant to read. So get used to it guys, because Arthur is in it for the long haul, and you are going to love the adventure.