What They Should Have Done: Paranormal Activity
Come one come all to another wonderful show! I was debating on whether or not to give you guys some suggestions this week, or another installment of What They Should Have Done, the new internet sensation that is sweeping the nation like so much chlamydia. I figured I gave you guys a decent suggestion last week, which C-Mart elaborated on as well since we have both been trying to keep the streets safe in Gotham, and that I should hunker down for a bit, and crank one of these bad boys out. Besides, these are just too much fun for me not to do. I was thinking that since I gave my last Halloween hoorah for 2013 on Friday, that I should probably try to do something non-horror based, and in the process came up with something completely non-horror, and a documentary as well! A documentary you say? Yes that is correct my legions of rabid followers. This week, I bring to you, a very Arthur Paranormal Activity!
Grow the fuck up guys. I know what most of you are thinking, and it is that Paranormal Activity is not a documentary….to which I reply, have you fucking seen it? It is a documentary detailing a couple’s slow decent into madness and literally doing the one thing you should not do when involved in a situation akin to what they were involved in, which is to say piss it the fuck off. First of all, that boyfriend, fucking moron, second, that girlfriend, fucking psycho moron. It’s as if the universe wanted both of these people to die, but sadly, only one of them did, as the other one went emo to the millionth degree. Quick little backstory for those who have not seen this film; couple lives in house, couple starts getting haunted by demon/ghost, boyfriend pisses it off hard, girls gets possessed, girl kills boyfriend before slinking off screen, sequel, money, sequel, money, Arthur kills himself. Now it is not to say that I did not enjoy these movies a little bit, as I have a soft spot for hauntings, but the first one blew me away with its sheer lunacy the first time I saw it.It was one of the only movies where I verbally asked for my money back even though it was a sneak preview. I was livid, and demanded my hard earned non-money back. However, after a second and third viewing of this pile, I actually grew slightly warmer to it, but still not in the like column.
It takes a while, but you kind of start to notice this sort of slight charm in the first film, that does not really translate into the others, much like the Saw films….which you better believe will be picked apart sometime soon by yours truly. However, I am going to channel my mindset back to when I first saw this movie, and proceeded to lose my fucking shit. Now I do like to use the whole film, but for this exercise, we are going to use one scene specifically, much like last time with Avatar. The scene involves the couple, who after being subjected to a series of weird things and late night ghost boners, find that the ghost/dick demon likes to leave little mementos for them in strange places…like the attic….because this ghost apparently does not have a sense of imagination or originality. They should just start making homes with no basements or attics…BOOM every ghost problem ever is solved. Suck it afterlife! The scene opens with your standard haunting stuff going on, and the couple being scared, and then this happens….also, since I am not going to include their names, because I don’t want to look them up, I will call them Dickknob and DemonSeed…..I’m assuming you’ll know who is who.
Scene opens with hauntings, and then dickknob and demonseed proceed to try and follow the ghost.
Demonseed: Oh my god I’m so scared!! Did you see that? It went through all of the baby powder that you haphazardly threw onto the ground in an attempt to prove what we already know….it looks like it went up into the attic…..
Dickknob: Sooooooo I’m assuming you want me to go and take a look up there…..with the ghost……and see what is going on right?
Demonseed: yes that is true. If you truly love me, you’ll go and save me from whatever it is that is plaguing us in our newly shared lives even though this has been going on for years and I neglected to tell you because I am a terrible person.
Dickknob: Anything for you dear…..I can see this is clearly bothering you and I would do anything to keep you safe and sound, including setting up all of these cameras and recording devices in an attempt to tempt fate and see how much sooner I can die than my intended expiration date……fucking bitch…..
Demonseed: What was that?
Dickknob: Nothing honey! Just talking to myself. Okay, I am going to head into the attic and see what is going on…..
Dickknob pulls the drawstring on the attic ceiling door and gently brings the ladder down. He climbs up the stairs while Demonseed sits at the bottom and asks dumb fucking questions…
Demonseed: Do you see anything? What’s going on?
Dickknob: I literally haven’t even turned on the light yet….will you calm the fuck down?
Demonseed: Don’t talk to me that way! I’m scared! I don’t know what’s been going on these past few entire years of my life! You need to man up and go look in there! Turn on the light! What’s going on?!
Dickknob: Oh my god, I’m dating a fucking mother-in-law. What did I do to deserve this?
Demonseed: What was that?
Dickknob: I said I’m looking for the light……fucking twat.
Dickknob located the light, and pulls the string to turn it on.
Arthur: What the fuck? Who are you people?
Collective scream from Dickknob and Demonseed: who are you? What are you doing in our house?
Arthur: Trying to fucking sleep but apparently you assholes don’t understand the concept of common courtesy. What is all that noise for?
Demonseed: There’s a ghost in our house and we tracked it up to this attic. I was sending my boyfriend in to check……
Arthur: Hold up…..you’re looking for a ghost, and you send your boyfriend into a dark attic in what is clearly a trap laid by this supposed ghost…..
Demonseed: well it needed to get checked out, and I was scared…..
Arthur: Sooooo when you’re scared…..you send literally the only guy who believes you and is willing to help into a fucking trap……Are you fucking kidding me?
Demonseed: I was so scared. This stuff has been happening all of my life and it’s been getting worse and worse….I didn’t know what else to do!
Arthur: So you send your boyfriend in. Totally logical. It’s not like this thing has shown any interest in killing you guys at all, so let’s antagonize it and follow it back to what you guys think is it’s abode, when in reality it’s actually my place. I’m not the ghost, just to let you know, but I have seen him, and he’s pissed at you bro.
Dickknob: Me? what for? What did I do?!
Arthur: Never date crazy bro, no offense. You never know what sort of crazy exes they may have. Crazy attracts crazy, man. I hope you understand that now. Also, this ghost guy is kind of crazy too. I saw him jerking off to a picture of you as a kid……not cool I told him.
Demonseed: Oh my god, really? That’s disgusting?! How could he? I can’t believe it!!
Arthur: Really? You’ll set up cameras and all this other shit that is literally being recorded forever in some fashion, and you’re getting upset at a ghost, who cannot operate machinery or jerk off to internet porn, for jerking off to your picture. You selfish asshole.
Dickknob: Hey man, don’t talk to her like that. That’s my girlfriend!!
Arthur: Says the guy who literally just walked into a deathtrap set up by this girlfriend of yours. You know what good girlfriends don’t do….SEND THEIR BOYFRIENDS INTO GHOSTLY DEATHTRAPS YOU FUCKING BLOCK OF CONCRETE!!! I don’t even understand where any of this seemed like a good idea to both of you.
Demonseed: He does this stuff because he loves me, and doesn’t want the ghost to haunt me! He’s a good man!
Arthur: A good man who is about to die because you’re an idiot. I’m sorry but that’s exactly the way it is, and will always be. I hate you both. You are the worst roommates ever.
Dickknob: Get out of our house!! I swear I’m going to fucking kill you if you don’t leave!
Arthur: Says the guy who is in no way shape or form controlled by his girlfriend…..who just tried to get you killed. You know what, fuck this place. I’ll pack up my shit and leave….and you know what, there is no ghost here, I wanted a fucking sandwich last night and stepped through that goddamn footpowder or whatever you put on the ground. I was wearing my dino slippers, and that must have made the footprints you guys shit your pants over. Also, you wanna know what else? I jerked off to your picture okay!! Because I’ve seen you guys over the last couple weeks, and you both need a hot injection of fucking balls, especially you Dickknob.
Dickknob: That’s not my name!!
Arthur: Fucking is now. Later Dickknob, and thanks for the “reading” material girl!
And with that, I take my leave of this house. See! I told you guys there was really nothing to be scared of in this movie. The simple fact that Arthur was involved pretty much made this movie less horror and decidedly more horrifying. There’s little things and differences that could easily turn a shit movie into something wonderful. It’s actually somewhat amazing to me that most movies do not go this route, or that movie producers don’t contact me ahead of time to see how I would work out these situations. In all honesty, you cannot say that any movie would not be better with Arthur’s intervention, so if you think of one that you want me to drop in on, send it over my way! I’d love to see what you guys think and where you want Arthur to go next. Who knows? Maybe Arthur takes a trip to the Congo…..or maybe gets involved in a buddy cop action flick? Until next time my glorious underlings!
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