Paulo Pinta Presents: Six Reasons Why Sylvester Stallone Has Broken Out of Prison
Sylvester Stallone is the man. He made the name Sylvester cool again. Before him it was reserved for cats with speech impediments. His movies are full of men with awesomely ridiculous names-Marion Cobretti, Lincoln Hawk, Deke DeSilva-a name I couldn’t write without being spell checked a thousand times-and many many more. Regardless of the characters name, Sly, who also writes many of his movies, likes to put many of his characters in a similar situation-the prison break. Sylvester Stallone likes to break out of prison, that’s all there is to it. And odds are he’s going to do it again. Here are six reasons why Sylvester Stallone has broken out of prison:
Because he didn’t like it the first time.
Sure, in the movie First Blood we see flashbacks from Rambo’s time in the clink; we never really see the place. In Rambo: First Blood Part II, little Johnny is back and in great shape when he pays a visit to his old Vietnamese homestead. While traditionally not a prison escape movie, Sly does try to break some POWS out of ‘Nam and gets captured in the process. Then some evil Russians, who really had no business being in Vietnam except for the fact that Stallone likes killing them, tie him to box spring and electrocute his shimmering greased up body. He uses some kung fu shit on them and escapes, leading his POW brothers through a virtual Hogan’s Alley of commies, both red and yellow, to exterminate. He shoots the Russian General’s helicopter out of the sky with a bazooka by; get this, pretending to be asleep! Only Stallone could write such a movie. Oh yeah, and James fucking Cameron too.
Because evil Jack Palance framed him and Snake Pliskin for murder.
In 1989’s Tango and Cash, Stallone plays Ray Tango and proves irrefutably his endless supply of goofy names for the characters he plays. Stallone and Kurt Russell with his infinite cache of movie mullets are framed for murder and then put into the worst prison around, all just to get them out of the way of some vast criminal organization that operates out of a monster truck arena, which makes you wonder why they didn’t just shoot them and get it over with in the first place? They escape through some air ducts-when are prisons going to stop putting large vent shafts where prisoners can just saunter in?- then slide down on some electrical wires and over the fence, presumably calling olly olly oxen free. They prove their innocence, and in traditional action movie style, are apparently forgiven for the excess wanton murders they committed, all for the sake of proving they didn’t murder one guy.
Because Donald Sutherland doesn’t want him to go.
In 1989’s Lock Up, Stallone plays a man serving time with just 6 weeks left to go, until Evil Warden Donald Sutherland shows up and makes it his mission to never let Sly see the light of day again. So what does Sly have to do? He’s got to break out of prison, again. That’s right; from the director of the Steven Seagal classic Out for Justice comes…a movie that I thought was Tango and Cash until I fell asleep watching it.
Because he’s got to catch Dennis Rodman.
In Demolition Man, Stallone plays the unlikely named John Spartan, a future cop who doesn’t play by the rules, of course. Wesley Snipes, tax evader and Total Gym spokesperson, frames Sly for supposedly murdering a bunch of hostages. He’s found guilty, of course, and because it’s the future, is turned into a naked Popsicle for the rest of his life. Years later, Willy Mays Hayes breaks out, and because the future is now full of effeminate milquetoast simpletons, they must unthaw Sly just to catch the guy. Just like Austin Powers. So I guess it’s not really a prison break movie, but think of this: if Blade had never escaped in the first place, then they never would have needed to wake up Sly to get him. He would still be sitting there now, frozen.
Because he’s framed by, hold back the laughter; hold back the laughter, his evil…twin…brother.
Spitting in the face of years and years of awesome comics, 1995’s Judge Dread did two things, give Sly yet another chance to get framed for murder, and then yes, break out of prison one more time, this time a future prison, so the stakes are upped, and two, show the world the true evil that is Rob Schneider. Luckily for Stallone’s Dread, the plane that’s carrying him to prison crashes, and he never makes it there, instead left to fend for his life in a barren wasteland inhabited by cybernetic cannibals, which in no way devalues the fact that he used the same framed and sent to prison plot device, yet again.
Because he thinks people will pay a shit load of money to see him and Arnold in another movie.
The current “Escape Plan” stars the gruesome twosome as buddies in the same prison that holds Magneto and Loki, who plan a, wait for it, wait for it, daring escape. True, we shelled out big time to see the first two Expendable movies, but those movies were thespian powerhouses. Come on, who can forget the acting aficionado that is Jean Claude Van Damme and his murder of the English language while trying to say the word “Challenge” in Expendables 2? He sounds less like a Frenchman, and more like some douche bag frat guy doing an impression of a Frenchman. He sounds like the Pink Panther. I haven’t seen “Escape Plan” yet, but I’m guessing he’s going to break out of prison in this one. I mean, the movie’s called “Escape Plan”, not Driving Miss Daisy.
Posted on November 4, 2013, in Comedy, Geekology, Movies, Rambles, Silliness! and tagged Demolition Man, Escape Plan, Judge Dredd, Lock Up, Rambo, Sylvester Stallone, Tango & Cash. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.