Horror of Horrors: A Very Harkness Halloween
Happy Halloween you heathens!! Welcome back my beauties to another edition of Horrors! Between stalking the night as Batman in Arkham Origins and slaving away for the man 8-5, it’s been a very busy week for the Harkness household. An impending baptism of my niece has been taking up a lot of time as I have been going through cleansing rituals in order to be able to step inside the church for more than an hour without bursting into flames. It has made it slightly difficult to get some stuff done for you guys, but like a true believer, I have been slaving away in the wee hours of the morning and trying to come up with something fun for this Halloween spectacular, and by spectacular I mean pretty much the normal amount of words, but with more fanfare. So let’s blister this asshole.
I was originally going to give you guys some more horrible baddies and some prime viewing material for your impending doom/holiday this Thursday, but being the sort of man/necromancer that I am, I made the last minute decision to do something a bit different. Today, in honor of the holiday, you will all take Arthur’s hand and walk with me down memory lane and into the darkest recesses of my Halloween past. I really wish I had photos of all of my costumes over the years, but since I do not, I’ll have to use stock photos for you all, but you can use your imagination and insert my face into all of these pictures to make it seem authentic. Actually, if anyone out there who is reading this can do a good photoshop, I say go for it and send them on over to me. It will make my day. Now just as a preface, I tended to be a little more ridiculous and slightly daring with my costumes, even at a young age. Never afraid of going political or pop culture based, my costumes have run the gamut from ridiculous to oh god how are they letting him wear this to school? Truth be told, one costume in particular was forced upon me, and although I hated it when I first wore it, I failed to see the brilliance in it until my later years, and for that, I thank you Mom, for having an awesome sense of humor and letting me blossom into a fine young jokester. Now onto the costumes!! I am going to give you guys 3 of my favorite/most ridiculous costumes, and then a sort of tradition I used to employ around the neighborhood.
Okay this one may seem a bit weird to most people, but I think that is because either they had no idea who he was, or just didn’t care enough. Back in the 90’s, we had that very popular and ridiculous police chase with a certain ex-Police Squad member, and in the proceeding case, the judge that was assigned was none other than Judge Ito. He stood in judgment over the entire case that would essentially be made into American History due to the whole Bronco chase and the resulting case. I did not take a side in that battle, mainly because I was a freaking kid and didn’t give a shit at the time, but what I did give a shit about was goddamn comedy, and I thought that Judge Ito would be perfect. Besides a lot of people looking at me like I was crazy, or just a regular judge, I think it was somewhat of a bomb in terms of comedic factor. Looking back, I think it was the super racists Asian glasses that they sold at the local costume shop that really made it look ridiculous. Thankfully, they do not sell those anymore, and for good reason. They hurt and made your vision so poor that I almost fell down a total of 4000 stairs, and that was before they even started the parade. Oh yeah, there was a parade, in where I marched through my home town dressed like a goddamn idiot. That will come into play later as well.
Piccolo from DragonBall Z
Now this one may not come as a surprise since I just gave you guys a DBZ article. I was huge into this when I was younger, and if it is on tv now, I will still watch it. I was riding high on DBZ fandom and decided to make my own Piccolo costume, to very little yet perfect success. I made a cardboard/sheet cape that looked almost exactly like his, and grabbed some glow sticks to make it seem like I was powering up for a powerful Ki attack. Suck it bitches. The only thing that turned the whole thing a bit sour was the fact that I was not, and most likely will never be green skinned. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for years. I did not wear this one to school, mainly because it was slightly bulky and I didn’t feel like walking around with a giant cardboard/sheet cape, but the streets ran green with energy shots all night that year.
Okay now. This is the one I have been slightly apprehensive yet most excited to share with you. When I was a young Harkness, we’re literally talking 3rd grade here, I was taken costume shopping at the local mall by Mother Harkness. After deciding that I wanted to be a ninja, my mother decided that the best course of action would be to dress me like a French maid, complete with black and white outfit, feather duster, heels and boobs. Let that mental picture sink in for a minute. Awesome right? The thing is though, I was pretty miserable because I didn’t want to dress up like a girl for Halloween, yet I didn’t realize the true amazingness of it until I was older. I went to school with my wig and dress on, and proceeded to receive stared and laughs all over the place. Everyone was laughing and saying how ridiculous and funny I looked, and I, being the asshole that I am, ran with it. I was pissed, because wearing a dress is way to revealing for a chubby little kid, and the parade afterwards was awful, but I went with it and made it my own. Years went by and people would ask me if I would ever be the maid again, to which I responded fuck no. I went to a costume contest that very night, and had to dress up like the maid again in front of parents, kids and church goers. Needless to say, that didn’t go over so well. I lost to some dick in a mask, and I was furious. I tore the outfit off of myself and put it into the back of the closet, never to be seen again. Odin help me. I also want to let you guys know how difficult it was to find a stock photo that is not either boob heavy or boob heavy. So I did my best.
Well now that we have those awesome costumes out of the way, I am going to enlighten and brighten you with a tale of Halloweens past where I would set myself up, and scare the shit out of little kids all up and down my street, and the gorilla phenomenon that swept my neighborhood. Up until about a few years ago, every Halloween I would dig up a gorilla suit I had gotten while working at a costume store. I would sit patiently on my front porch wearing said suit, and would wait until kids would walk up to ring the doorbell for candy. Being the fucking asshole that I am, I would take this opportunity to scare the shit out of little kids. Guys, if there is one thing I do well, it is stand still and make it seem like I am not breathing or even living. Like for reals. You have no idea how many kids ran from my porch screaming and crying wall while their parents laughed and cackled at how awesome it was. I continued to do it year after year, and in the process, all those kids I scared, grew to expecting the gorilla every year and would be genuinely disappointed when I didn’t do it. I would have kids walking up to the front door days in advance asking if they should bring their friends by to see the gorilla in action, to which I replied, better fucking believe it! I did this for about 5-6 years until the suit became too old and beat up to wear. I have to say I was very upset to finally have to hang it up, and the fact that all the kids were upset that I wouldn’t be doing it anymore, made it even worse. I promised to one day bring the gorilla back, but that suit cost a fortune and I am not sure I could get another one without missing a bill or two. This was the best part of my Halloween, besides the month long horror trip, and if I get the ability to do so, I’ll definitely be back up there. Who knows, maybe my kids will get the shit scared out of them one day by the gorilla?
I hope you guys enjoyed taking a trip down Halloween memory lane with me, and hopefully didn’t find my costumes to be too ridiculous. I do it mainly for comedy purposes, because as of now, you should all know that that is what I am all about. If you’re feeling froggy, leave me some pics or messages of what you dressed up as! I’m sure it’ll be awesome. Happy Halloween you scary and beautiful bastards!!!!
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