What They Should Have Done: Avatar

avatar title

Welcome back my loyal subjects to another installment of the most popular new column that the internet has the pleasure of having inside of it. I , of course, am your favorite necromancer with an army of tiny dancers, Arthur Harkness. You’ll notice that it is Wednesday, and normally you would be staring at a Horrors post, but I am saving that for next week as it is a jumbo sized Halloween issue. So for this week, I decided to dive into literally one of my most hated movies of all time, and see what would have happened if I had intervened, even just a little bit. Ladies and gentlemen, ugh, I present to you Avatar, or as I like to call it, the movie about the rapes that no one seems to see.

Okay, so before I start this bad boy, let me start off by saying I hated this movie with a passion, but I loved the effects and colors. I will at least give credit to that, because it was beautiful to watch for the most part. It was just the story that drove me goddamn insane. It literally is Pocahontas, except blue and full of inappropriate touching. I went into this movie with high hopes as everyone gave it rave reviews and said it was the best movie they had ever seen. Obviously I was rather skeptical but still open minded enough to give it a shot. As the credits rolled, I wished someone would give me a shot….with a bullet directly to my face. Oh god. I was so blown away by how awful it was but at the same time couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. It was like watching a murder in real life. You know this is wrong, and everything inside you screams to put an end to the act of horror. Now, it is not to say that this movie is not enjoyable, because I know a lot of people who like this movie, and that is fine because it is their opinion, but I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, specifically for one scene. Now, before I go into it with a full on hate boner, the part that I am going to be referencing is going to be the part that I insert myself into, and it will be specifically for that scene. This movie is way too long for me to go through all of it, and to be honest, there is also a spot where I would have just walked off the planet. That scene is the main reason for my unbridled hatred of this movie. So now, without further delay, Arthur is grabbing his golden last action ticket, and jumping into this pile of shit.

jake scully

So a little backstory before the actual scene: Soldier takes his brother’s place in a body switching program created specifically to help humans have “Avatars” that let them traverse and be a part of the native landscapes, and by be part of them I mean learn their ways for an eventual take over, as overseen by goddamn Giovani Ribici. I don’t see any boiler rooms on the whole freaking planet, so why is he here? They are looking to take this mineral from the planet that only grows there, and to do so, they need to either wipe out the native population or work with them in some fashion. As you all know, working together is not really that high on the human agenda when money is involved. So that’s that, and now onto the scene that drove me to drive my head into a wall. The Avatars, or blue skinned natives, have this sort of ability to jack into any living thing by using an organic USB style thing imbedded into their long hair that goes directly into their brain. When they attach it to a living thing, they essentially become one with it and can see, feel , taste and a whole bunch of other stuff with that living thing. In simple terms, they rape the living thing with their hair dick and jack into it’s mind just so they can get a taste of what they are experiencing. Reread that real quick and try to fully comprehend what I just said……I KNOW RIGHT?! It’s literally one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. I can understand the need to feel apart of the planet and everything, but you really do not need to do so by plugging your 8 foot long hair dong into every open hole on the planet. That’s called rape, and now Arthur is going to get involved. This needs to end.

avatar dragon

The scene opens with Jake, the soldier who was given a one of a kind new body like the natives, as he is going through a ritual all of the other natives go through at one point. In it , they attempt to ride this sort of awesome dragon thing that is just hanging out, minding its own business. How do you ride it, Arthur? Well I am glad you asked; in the most horrifying way possible. …..

“ You must dominate this creature and make it submit to you. That is the only way to fly and be one with this creature,” said the native

“ I can do that,” said Jake.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Arthur proclaimed.

“ Who is that? Where did you come from?” asked Jake.

“ Don’t worry about it , son. I come from a place far away from here, which is where I would much rather be right now.”

“ What do you mean?” asked the native.

“Look at what you are making him do…..look at it. You want him to sneak up on this creature, who is seriously sitting there not hurting anyone, or doing anything wrong, and literally, not figuratively, rape this poor thing into succumbing to your will so you can ride it to what I am assuming is it’s impending doom. Am I right?”

avatar dragon 2

“You become one with the cre…”

“ NOPE…stop right there. You are becoming one with something against it’s will, correct? Of course I am correct. Where I come from that is called rape, and I will not be a part of it. “

“ Calm down there. it’s not rape. I am just shoving this new hair thing I have into a port open on its back in order to ride it without……oh God…..what have I done?” said Jake.

“Fucking right? You were about 5 inches away from sticking something brand new into something else that is brand new to you. You didn’t even think to consider what was really going on. What did you do back on Earth? Professional lampshade? You fucking idiot.”

“ I didn’t know…..They didn’t say anything about this……”

“ You think someone is going to advertise rape, bro? in all honesty, I blame Giovani Ribisi. That fucking guy isn’t right. I saw him stroking a piece of metal from this planet for like 5 hours this morning. It was creepy as fuuuuuuuuck. You, blue lady, you may want to watch out for that guy. He has a weird look to him. I’m assuming he is the type of guy to take you out to a nice dinner at the local quarry, if ya catch my drift…”

“ What is a quarry?” asked the native girl.

“ It’s where guys like him take dates to make them forever companions. Ya know what, fuck this. Obviously you guys are in need of some kind of help. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m filing for a transfer. You guys and your hair dicks and non-consenting sex practices. It’s a bit too much for me. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to contact PETA right now and let them know you guys are raping dragons out here. I’m sure they’ll have a field day with that. “

ribisi-avatar2

“ Field day?”

“ OH FOR FUCK’S SAKES!”

With that, I take my leave from these goddamn morons. I couldn’t help but feel like I had failed them. As I watched them as I left, I felt a sort of pang of guilt. Maybe they were right? Maybe in order to be one with the planet, we need to sort of fuck it first? Ya know? Just a little bit of caressing before full on penetration, and then after, the planet and all of us share a cigarette after earth-coitus? I pondered this notion as I continued to walk back towards the non-organic flying machine that was waiting to take me back to base. I felt like I was wrong, until I saw what they were back at it. I saw Jake hop on top of the dragon as he wrestled with it and tried to make it submit to his will, and in that fateful second, I realized that it must be some sort of sick joke by the natives to make him try to fuck a dragon before flying it. For all we know, the dragon could be a guy named Steve who drew the short straw this time. For all we know, this could be what the dragons want. What’s that old saying? Snouts down, wings back, slide a finger in a dragon’s crack? That old Pandora nursery rhyme? Nobody? Maybe it was just my imagination. My shuttle cuts through the sky as it bolts towards the base, and with a last glance at the dragon shaming, I pull my gun out of it’s holster. I shoot the pilot in the back of the head, and take the helm. Fuck this place. I’m going back to Earth right now, and I don’t give a fuck anymore. This planet is made of rapists, and all of their relatives. It’s like the whole planet is a string of those motels on the main drag that your parents tell you never to go near. Rapists and molesters, man. Rapers and molesters. I hate this fucking planet.

Well, there ya have it. Not as detailed as the previous installments, but just as poignant. I know you can all feel and read my hatred boiling through your screen, which is pretty much the exact response I was looking for from you all. This movie was painful to me, and now I want it to be painful to you, but not maliciously. I just want you all to be informed. Now, the best part about this one to me is that from now on, whenever you watch this movie, you are going to think like me. Go on….try it and leave me a message telling me how right I am. I’m a humble man, so I won’t say I told you so, but I told you so!!! You guys also have no idea how much fun it is to write these. It literally is the best part of my day. If there is anything you guys want to insert Arthur into……ladies…..send me a message or comment on the article. I am always open to suggestions. I mean, I give them to you every week, so why not a little bit of reverse action? Hit me up!!

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About Arthur Harkness

I like things, and things like me back

Posted on October 23, 2013, in Movies, Silliness!, What They Should Have Done and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

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