What They Should Have Done: Jeepers Creepers
Oh what a busy past couple weeks it has been. I know you have all missed me, and to be honest, why wouldn’t you? Where else can you get such fine necromantically laced material for your reading and viewing pleasure? Pretty much nowhere. Once again, one of my fellow compatriots has taken over Horrors duties for this week which left me open to present to you another edition of what is quickly becoming a global phenomenon. While attending a wonderful dinner with the geeks and friends, Biff’s best gal Nobes reminded me of something that I had put into the back of my mind to visit someday. Now, before I get started, I would just like to say that I actually really enjoyed this movie and my opinions are based more in logistics than anything else. I, in no way, find this movie to be terrible, mainly because of the sheer lunacy involved with our main characters, and how this movie ended exactly the way it should have. Now, with that out of the way, let’s get to this bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the heralded next installment of “What They Should Have Done: Jeepers Creepers”.
Okay now, let’s get the naming of the characters out of the way, just so we can hop onto this murdertrain without any extra stops. The film opens up with two siblings played by Justin Long and the girl with little to no logical thought. I do not know her name, and unfortunately I will not google it because that would be cheating. I bring this all to you from memory, which will make it that much more special and amazing. So let’s name them Jaylo (for copyright’s sakes) and Cannon Fodder for now. Cannon Fodder apparently has this super awesome car from the 50’s or whenever, and decides that her and her brother Jaylo are going to go on some kind of road trip. Right there you should immediately call a red flag because road trips in 50’s era cars are seriously no joke. When has there ever been a time when something like that has gone well? Fucking NEVER! The film starts with them already on the trip, and after driving for what seems like 7 minutes, which is an eternity in movie time, they spot this stranger on the side of the road. RED FLAG!!! Never pick anyone up off the side of the road like that. It just screams danger….but in this case, the stranger is Arthur Harkness, and now I am officially in this fucking thing. I hop into the back of the car, and proceed to ask this girl how the fuck she thought going on a road trip in something that is guaranteed to break down was ever a good idea. She gives me the look of utter disbelief that I could be critiquing her car when they just picked me up, to which I look at Jaylo and ask him if he has to deal with this all the time. He grudgingly nods, and with that slight motion, I know the deal. This girl is the fucking Anit-Christ, and she has come to kill us all. I attempt to open to door and jump out before this girl can fucking kill me, because I can feel she is going to be the cause of it, but before I can, this huge brown and rusted truck slams into the back of the car…and now its fucking on.
Jaylo begins to scream and Cannon Fodder proceeds to freak out while I sit in the back looking at these people as if they are made of nothing but garbage. So what? The guy bumped into us while Cannon Fodder was driving 10 miles under the speed limit on an old country road that literally nobody else was on at the time, and in my opinion, he was in the complete right at this point. Jaylo and Cannon Fodder continue to freak out as the driver keeps bumping into them. GO AROUND they scream, and I have just lost faith in these two assholes. Jaylo begins the totally appropriate conversation of saying how they should have taken his car for this trip, to which I humbly agree. If you are going to go on a road trip, you are most likely going to be terrorized by a pissed off driver at some point. Dem’s the breaks. The “crazy” man breaks off after what seemed like forever, and goes home to an abandoned church, and proceeds to visibly dump something into the chute near the entrance of the church. Jaylo notices this and thinks it would be a great idea to go check it out, because it looked like a body. Oh god I hope you die so hard Jaylo. There has literally never been a situation where I see someone chuck what is obviously a body into a chute and think that I need to go investigate. You are a fucking idiot. After my heated protesting, which I lost by the way, we head over there to check what’s up. Jaylo falls into the chute, and sees that this place is wallpapered with preserved bodies with pieces missing from them. Snack Time! Jaylo convinces Cannon Fodder, who at this point has taken a back seat to her brother’s stupid fucking decisions, that they need to go to the cops. I say we should just go the fuck away from wherever we are, but once again, the voice of reason is never listened to, and hilarity ensues. We are confronted by the guy who tossed the body into the chute, which also turns out that he is not a man, but some fuckeawesome bat demon that will make any metal person jealous beyond belief. I want his life. Then, they make the most ridiculous decision ever, because these guys are so inept, they bring in this nice little old lady who was sitting at home, relaxing by the tv after a hard day’s work, and what do they do? If you guessed get her killed, then you are correct. Oh god the hubris of these guys. Its unbelievable. Things go from bad to worse, and we make it out of there without either of them dying unfortunately. Then….a revelation!
This sudden revelation of what he is brings our rag tag little group together, except for the fact that I have been cutting my hand in secret and splashing bits of blood all over those two assholes whenever I get the chance. Fuck them. I just needed a ride and these assholes got me involved in their decaying atmosphere of total bullshit….and Arthur will not have that whatsoever. The devil of my wet dreams shows back up, and whoops!! He can fly apparently, and he lets us all know by doing what he does best, fucking everything up. Turns out, in which this is a big revelation to the movie, that this creature wakes up every so often and feeds off choice bits of humans who he has scared into releasing this sort of pheromone that he follows in order to take a bite out of them. Sound like something familiar? That’s what I do!! It’s called the Harkness curse, and it turns out that I have more in common with the bat demon than I do with these cocksuckers. However, there can be only one with the Harkness curse, and at this point, I come to the conclusion that even though I have now grown to love this bat demon and resent all human life, it has to end in bloody fashion…. he must be stopped, but not before something super awesome happens.
I stand towards the back and begin my pre-battle routine. I lace up my superstars, smoke a cigarette, and think of all the awesome articles I have written for you all. This helps me gather my strength for the coming battle and make sure I am in the proper mind set for demon hunting. While I am busy getting ready and making sure that I have everything I will need for this excursion, the cops show up and start asking questions. Big mistake. Never, ever talk to the cops in a horror movie. You are endangering their lives and your own, but at this point, I don’t care anymore. Shit is about to go down. While talking to the cops and running from the bat demon, Jaylo acts like his usual stupid self, and gets himself carried away by my boy, Bat Demon, and now Cannon Fodder is all mad and shit. Fuck her. If it was any other way, I would have tossed her out of the car a long time ago, and chilled with my boy while he enjoyed a tasty Jaylo snack. I normally am not one to condone violence against humans, but in this instance, they deserved it so fucking bad. This is just such a prime example of what happens when you do not mind your own business. People get killed and eaten, others will be scarred for life, and Arthur will sit back and enjoy every second of this despicable mess you have made of everything. Cannon Fodder sits back and cries so many tasty tears as her brother is carried away, and as I try to console her in the best way I can, with candy and ginger ale, I realize that this girl pretty much brought this all upon herself, but being the kind soul that I am, I still comfort her. The film ends with a nice and cute little shot of my boy, Bat Demon, enjoying a nice meal of Jaylo’s delicious eyeballs, and deep in the heart of me, I feel a pang of guilt. Could I have stopped all of this from happening? Could I have done more to help? Nope…..Definitely nope, nope, nope. Mainly because I am not a fucking idiot, and much like I stated in my previous installment, natural selection definitely plays a part in this. When you think about it, the universe has a way of bringing things full circle and keeping certain things in check. It may not seem like it, but you should be thankful for Bat Demons and Jasons walking around out there. Otherwise, we may have a whole world of Jaylo’s and Cannon Fodders, and that my friends, is not a world I would like to live in.
While Cannon Fodder sits and thinks of how she is going to tell this story to her parents, I sneak into her car, which the keys were still in, and drive off into the sunset. Over the horizon, I see a shape that looks oddly familiar, and smile as I know that this flying creature is now finally satisfied. But something doesn’t seem right…..there’s something else I notice. Something…..that kind of looks almost alien…..I must investigate…..and by investigate I mean drive over that motherfucker because Arthur does not fucking play that shit. You should all know better by now. I really wanted this to go on for quite a bit longer, but to be honest, there is no way I could do this without making it into one huge long story, which for all intents and purposes, would be the greatest story you have ever fucking read. But lo and behold, we are limited by special limitations and time itself. Don’t worry though, I know you all love these, and I do plan on making some more for you, but you are just going to have to be patient. Trust me, I have a list of these that are prime for Arthur inclusion, and I plan on making sweet, sweet love to all of those and birthing what is going to be your new favorite thing on this planet. Trust me, you will all love it.
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