What They Should Have Done: Friday the 13th Remake
Well , well , well, what do we have here? Is it a new column? You bet your asses it is. This week I was planning on taking some time off to rest up my finger bones, but the allure of writing for you all has overwritten my common sense and caused me to come up with something new. Don’t worry, you’ll still be getting suggestions and horrors from the other geeks who have so graciously volunteered to take over those for the remainder of this week, but I just couldn’t stay away from you guys. Such is your power over me. I’ll have some more suggestions and horrors for you next week, but this week, I wanted to do something brand new for you all. Over the weekend, I happened to catch something that I haven’t gotten a chance to see, but wanted to. That would be the remake of Friday the 13th, and as you all know, I am a HUGE Jason fan. I was excited for it…..and then I saw Michael Bay was attached as a producer. I immediately got pissed because that could only mean one thing…..Martin Lawrence…..just kidding…..EXPLOSIONS!!!!!! This did not bode well for the film, however I still wanted to watch it. So I did, and I was quite disappointed. Not too much, but just enough that I wished for something different. It got me thinking though, what would I do in this sort of situation? Not as a director, I don’t want to go down that road, but what if I was in that movie as one of the kids being hunted by Jason? My brain exploded with ideas, and this was born out of my love for the franchise and just for stories and movies in general. I know most of you guys go to the movies, and after everything is said and done, I know the first question on all of your minds is…” What would Arthur have done?” Well, here you go!
Okay now before we get officially started, this is going to have to include spoilers, because otherwise you wouldn’t properly understand what is happening, so you are just going to have to deal with it. Trust me though, if you’ve seen any Jason movie, then you know how this goes. Ok? Ok. So much like most of the other Jason films, this one stars Jason as a serial killer who wants nothing more than to kill all of these teenagers, if you need more, refer back to my previous article on Jason. So let’s cast myself in the role of one of these teenagers, and let’s get cracking. I have also divided up the teens into generic names, because they are not good enough to have their own names. There’s the asshole, the Asian kid, the African American kid, boobs #1 and boobs #2 (which I only use those terms because they are literally the worst interpretation of women ever, and I cannot call them women. I apologize to all women for that, but it is the truth) blonde guy from Party Down, and the nice girl along with the brother looking for his lost sister and said sister. That rounds out the cast, and now Arthur is inserting himself into there as teenager #10….I’ll call myself Arthur for simplicity’s sake. The film begins with the sister and her friends getting murdered hard while in search of a pot field in the middle of the forest surrounding Camp Crystal Lake. The one friend tells them a story of the camp and Jason, and they immediately dismiss it as a story even though there were fucking news reports about it. Right there should let you know that these kids were meant for nothing more than death. They all get killed one by one in horrible fashion, and the sister is presumed dead. Now enter our motley crew of dickheads and fucking idiots.
The film officially gets under way with this new group of kids, and the first meeting with the “asshole” immediately sets the tone for this guy needing to get killed so bad. Like so bad. Arthur or teenager #10, should have immediately just murdered this guy right at the gas station, and that would have saved the lives of everyone else involved. What is it about these guys? How can anyone actually want to hang out with this kind of fucking floating river trash? Jesus his fucking face alone just screams I love racism, and he starts out by asking the African American kid, who is literally the best one out of everyone, to carry his fucking bags. Wow. Really, guy? Out of the 7 people you are with, this is the one you ask to carry your shit in? This guy is the white bread to the cock sandwich that will be getting dished out by Jason soon. I can feel it, and I can’t wait. They meet the brother of the sister from the beginning who is searching for her, and the nice girl makes friends, while the asshole proceeds to heckle the guy looking for his missing sister, and thinks the other guy is the asshole. I am like in shock because these people actually exist. This would be the point where Arthur smashes the asshole’s face into the counter, and takes off in his truck before dropping it into a quarry. I fucking hate that guy. The brother leaves, and then the rest of the machete fodder pile into the truck and head towards his parent’s cabin in the middle of the woods near Crystal Lake. Are you fucking kidding me? NEWS REPORTS PEOPLE!!!! It’s as if none of these people listen to anything, and should have stayed far the fuck away from that place. Honestly, they should just nuke the place right off the map once and for all, that’s what Arthur would have done. Fuck fallout or contamination. Scorch that goddamn place off the Earth.
The kids immediately get to what they do best, which is act like fucking morons and do drugs. Arthur abides by this. The Brother shows up at the cabin and asks to hang fliers, to which the nice girl says sure, and the asshole says get the fuck out of my house. Oh my god I have never wanted anyone to die so much in my entire life. I would have been fuming in the corner and wishing for the most unnatural of ways for this guy to die. Like spontaneous combustion of just his balls…..Yes. Blonde Guy and Boobs #1 go out on a boat after the asshole says not to, and in the most humane and easy of fashions, he dies with an arrow through the face and then boobs #1 goes out with a machete through the dome after getting hit in the face with a boat. She is the goddamn Hulk for surviving the boat attack. But life is too short for her, and she is carried back to Jason’s camp dead, but still warm….I don’t know what he does in his private time, but you never know, right? Gross. As soon as they went out, I immediately would have started packing my shit and getting ready to go because boat rides between two people in a place called Crystal Lake never bode well…ever. The brother and nice girl find Jason’s cabin and proceed to enter, and now they have officially been deemed idiots themselves, as I never would have gone in there. Are you fucking kidding me? I am almost positive now that natural selection is real, and these guys all drew the fucking lottery. In fact, I do not feel for anyone anymore except the African American kid because he is the only noble/ smart one. I’ll get to that in a bit. Shit gets crazy in Jason’s cabin, and we find out the sister is still alive but in chains. Nobody to the rescue!! The brother and nice girl meet Jason and proceed to run back to the cabin, and the systematic slaughter is in full swing. Asian guy breaks a table and says he can fix it. He runs out to the shed, which is fucking wrong, and tries to find something to fix said table. As soon as he said “I’ll go to the shed to grab stuff to fix it, “I would have said my good byes because he will never be seen again. He dies, and in a moment of true friendship and loyalty, the African American kid runs out and says he has to help his buddy. Ya know, he is literally the only one in all of this besides the brother and nice girl who I didn’t want to die, but he has to, and he does, with an axe in his back, ,while the asshole is banging Boobs #2.
It would be at this point that I would have either barricaded myself in a room with no windows or anything, and made no goddamn sounds, or set up a series of elaborate traps like Kevin McCallister, who was fucking 7 in Home Alone and had more cunning and common sense than a group of legal adults. It’s as if these people just simply want to die horribly, and I am the only one who doesn’t want to die. Then again, I can’t die, as I made a deal a long time ago for Necromantic bliss. Boobs #2 gets killed, and then the moment we have all been waiting for, the asshole gets what he has coming to him, fucking finally. He gets murdered so fucking hard that I loved every second of it, but it still wasn’t hard enough. If his memory and existence were erased from time, that still would not have been enough for me. So what we have left now, is Arthur, brother, sister who was rescued, nice girl and Jason. Nice girl gets murdered in an escape attempt, and now we are down to 3. I notice this, and proceed to tie the fuck out of the brother and sister to a tree and drip blood all over them. This of course, brings Jason out because like most killers, the scent of blood gives him a murder boner, and don’t ask me how I know that. I have a guy. As he is busy murdering them, because that’s what is going to happen, Jason and I realize that both of us like the same sort of things, and that this whole deal was a misunderstanding.
He talks to me about his mother issues, because I actually fucking listened to him instead of run away and killed his self- esteem. Apparently, he really loves Game of Thrones and Metroid, because he loves Martin’s writing style and how nobody is safe, and he just loves Samus so much. We have an argument over which is the superior franchise between Castlevania and Metroid, which he loves Castlevania, but loves how Metroid has a female protagonist who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty and doesn’t need her sex appeal to be compelling. Wow, what a deep guy, right? The film ends with Jason and I sharing some stories and enjoying some delicious wine over a finely roasted duck a l’orange, which was exquisite. He gives me his Xbox Live gamertag, which was appropriately named LuvsBucketsOfBlood and I exchange mine with him, SoreBackDoor. He tells me he wants to play me in Gears of War, to which I respond FUCK YES. As the sun rises, we both share a look that states plainly that we have both just become best friends, and as I leave in the assholes truck, I see Jason wave a sad goodbye to me thinking that he will never see me again, but little does he know that I have already planned my trip back to Crystal Lake, and next time, I’m bringing my Xbox down for some co-op. I know he’ll love it. As my car rolls into the distance, I see another truck driving down the road with a fresh group of teenagers, and my heart skips a beat as I know Jason has some new friends coming to town. Poor guy can’t get any rest. The film closes with Jason staring through the woods at these newcomers, and he thinks of the fun we had. I drive off into the sunset, tear rolling down my face as I miss Jason already. What can I say? I love that deformed bastard.
So what do you think? Think this would have been a better scenario than most of the other Jason movies? Honestly, he just seemed so under appreciated and misunderstood that all it took was just a quick chat and a little bit of time on his level to finally crack the nut that is Mrs. Voorhees darling little boy. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for frightening the poor kid, and he was just defending his ground. We would have all done the same. I do plan on doing this for a whole bunch of things, so you can look forward to that. You may not get these ones weekly, because Arthur is a busy man, but this was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. Otherwise, I have a new friend that doesn’t have any qualms with showing up at your house late at night to give you some “persuasion” if you know what I mean. See you all next week!!!
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