Villain Spotlight: Teenagers
And now…..time for something completely different. Happy end of the week to all of you out there. Aaaah Fridays, the last bastion of the professional adult. Every day that leads to the end of this day is like a battle of wills with a gigantic dick monster that wants nothing more than to fuck you, and all you want is to be left alone to do whatever it is you want to do. Such is life in this world, but Fridays also bring you something else besides a brief respite, and that is the Villain Spotlight. In keeping up with the current Halloween theme, today I am going to give you all somewhat of a reverse article, but still filled with pure villainy. When you think about Horror movies, you automatically think the killer is the villain, but we tend to forget that most of the time the killer has some kind of motive. Maybe he was left to drown while some people went out back to bang? Maybe they were burned alive because of a slight misunderstanding……no that one was legit. But still, the recurring theme in most Horror movies is that teenagers are fucking idiots, and they all deserve to die in some fashion. Fucking teenagers.
Now I am not bashing teenagers in general, as most of them aren’t bad at all. I am referring to mainly those that inhabit horror movie universes, because they are literally some of the worst people on earth. Think back for a minute and mentally review every horror movie you have ever seen. Friday the 13th? Nightmare on Elm Street? Halloween? Teenage slumber Party Massacre? All of them have some kind of shitty teenagers getting murdered because they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves, or they couldn’t stop touching each other for 5 minutes to see there was a kid drowning in the lake. It’s as if the horror lords bred them specifically to be assholes that are better for nothing more than blade fodder. It’s actually kind of amazing when you think about it. The fact that they could be so oblivious to what is happening around them is simply astounding, and borderline sad because in their universes, they are the cool ones, the rad ones, the ones that always get the girl and go to camp all summer and experiment with whatever it is they are into. They are the ones who will inherit the country, and I am fucking terrified of that. It’s always the cool ones too. It’s rarely ever the geek or the nerd that gets the worst of it, barring a couple instances, or the little brother who was told to stay inside and stay away from the older sibling’s cool friends, because unlike their counterparts, they actually fucking listen and aren’t fucking morons. Take Cory Feldman for example. He is the little brother in Friday the 13th, and you know what happens, he is the one that tricks Jason and gets all fucked up because of it. The older person’s responsibility is to keep the younger one safe, yet this one goes right out the fucking window and requires Feldman to keep everyone else safe. Good going teenagers, you let the little kid to all the hard work while you guys got fucked and died. Good work!
Now I know I may be painting a bad picture for teenagers in general, but it is a necessary evil. Granted, a lot of them are idiots, but not all of them. Some of them are either misunderstood, or just along for the ride and get brought into this world of blood and stupidity. The sad part is that they will most likely be killed as well because they should have chosen better friends, but it’s still somewhat sad to see them go. Like the guy in the wheelchair in Texas Chainsaw. That guy was the fucking man and he got it the worst out of all of them. I know getting a chainsaw in the gut isn’t as bad as getting strung up on meat hooks, but it’s the fact that he has already gone through a bunch of shit in his life, and it’s the last thing he needs. I also understand that it was his choice to go with them, but in the long run, who most likely convinced him to go? That’s right…..teenagers. Those bastards are literally corrupting those around them. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a secret cabal of teenagers out there in horror land drawing straws to see who goes where and who gets killed by what. It’s like Cabin in the Woods, it all has to be some sort of ploy or appeasement to the elder gods. It can’t possibly be a real thing that all of these kids are that dumb and wasteful with their lives. I just don’t think my brain could handle such ridiculousness.
Now I must give a little bit of credit to the teenagers, as this isn’t strictly a bashing article, but it is pretty close. Most of these kids honestly thought that they were just going out to have a good time, and do not have the sort of mindset necessary to handle what is thrown at them. I mean to be honest, I don’t know how I would react if I was confronted with a giant chainsaw wielding maniac, besides to praise them, and I am sure these kids are doing their best. I don’t think anyone goes to the supermarket thinking they are going to be stabbed horribly and strung up for an audience, but when someone tells ME that I am going into the woods for an extended period of time, my first thought is who am I tripping while running away so the monster can get them instead of me? I know it may seem like the dickish thing to do, but I’m thinking about my family at this point. My suggestion to them at this point would be to always have a game plan. It’s literally as if horror movies do not exist in these universes, and it drives me crazy. If most of them had only seen a movie or two, they would have greatly raised their chances of survival by a considerable margin. It’s simply crazy to think these people have little to no knowledge of the way these things work, and the way they react just goes to show that they simply should not be allowed to continue existing. If you read yesterday’s Horrors column, then you know that this may be the universe’s way of enacting natural selection and these people are just unfortunately doomed from the get go. What better way to enact your will than to unleash a murderous maniac into the midst of all these idiots? There is literally no other way besides some kind of storm that I can think of. Besides, if you are a teenager and see an empty house with no power or people, and the first thing you think of is taking a shower, you deserve to die and do not need to procreate. You are dumb and your life is dumb….no offense.
I find it a little bit funny that I am writing this article, mainly because we have all been or will be teenagers at some point, and there are a lot of times where hindsight comes into play. We never know what we should know when we are kids, and this may be a huge contributing factor to their lack of survival, but at the same time, I feel like I would have been a little bit more open minded and survival oriented in these sorts of situations. Then again, I still have yet to meet Jason, so the closest thing I have come to knowing that kind of fear, was when I ran over a beehive with the lawnmower. Fuuuuuuuuuck that. Arthur only runs for two things….Jason…..and bees.
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