Horror of Horrors: Jason Voorhees
Welcome back kiddies to another edition of Horrors, presented to you by your black hearted necromancer, Arthur Harkness. Sorry for the formal introduction, but I felt like it was needed as you all now know our origin story. It’s not necessary for me to hide my blasphemous professional life from you all anymore. So, much like I mentioned last week, I was thinking about getting the Halloween activities and horror based items started early, as I was just way too excited to keep it locked in anymore. I have decided to bring you a different mass murdering, lovable goofball each week , starting this week and continuing all the way until Halloween, in which I will summon forth the great powers of the Old Ones in an attempt to corrupt this world into a twisting mass of snapped limbs, flailing tentacles and burned buildings…..wait….that’s Schenectady.….just kidding. Anyways, what better place to start than everyone’s favorite summer camp? Crystal Lake, here we come!!
Now there is almost no one on the planet that doesn’t know the Friday the 13th movies, unless you are a child or an asshole, so this should come as almost no surprise. Jason Voorhees, although not the killer in the first movie, has become one of America’s most recognizable pop culture villains (hero in my opinion) and you would be hard pressed to find someone who commands that sort of respect from the Horror community. Sure there are others, who I will get to in the coming weeks, but Jason has always been hands down my favorite. There is just something about him that gets me all excited, and not in that way you perverts. It’s the killing, and now that I think about it, I am not totally sure that that’s even remotely better. There is just something about the silence that creeps me out so much, and it makes me want to watch it more. I am not the sort of guy who gets uncomfortable during horror movies, however, I do get uncomfortable during romantic comedies and real life dramas. Go figure, but the silence and menace that is exuded by Jason is a wonder to behold. I love it. The fact that is he mainly gunning after shitty teenagers just adds to it, and the streets are better off without those idiots running around. Seriously, he is almost like the Punisher without guns….or any sense of morality, but that is beside the point. Really though, when you think about it, any person who walks through a dark and empty house, where there has clearly been a murder, and decides the best action would be to get naked and take a shower, should really just be murdered for their hubris. There has literally never been a time in my life where I have decided that a shower would be a good choice under such fear and duress. It’s actually insane on those kid’s behalves, but I guess we need fodder for our hero.
The main thing with Jason is that he is essentially immortal, much like most of our other baddies, but Jason is a bit different. Jason, for all intents and purposes, is a demon, sent from hell to make our lives that much better, but his origin has changed from movie to movie for the most part. He also seems to have immense powers of self preservation, meaning that even though he has been killed before, his body does not decompose, and as we learned, lightning is a good conductor for bringing the dead back to life. It’s as if the universe itself keeps bringing him back to terrorize and teach kids that banging under dumb circumstances is never a good idea. It is just like a little lesson in natural selection given by Professor Voorhees. Now the thing that bothers me the most, is that these kids all think that they can either outrun him or take him on in a fight, which almost never works out in anyone’s favor except for Jason. Possessing strength well beyond human means, he is able to throw, punch and slash with excruciating brutality. Just ask the one kid who attempted to fight him in a boxing match on a rooftop, oh wait you can’t, because he got decapitated in one punch. Idiot. The funny part is that kid literally saw Jason kill so many people that he should have just kept running, but human stubbornness ran deep in him, and he needed to try his luck at fisticuffs with a borderline demigod. Hubris once again. You know, now that I am thinking about it, I have to give at least a little bit of credit to the kids for being able to survive for so long against him. I mean if I had a machete wielding juggernaut chasing after me, I think at some point I would want to throw down as well due to all the running. Fuck that. I always tell my friends that I do not run for anything except bees and Jason, because fuck that.
Now I feel like I have made it pretty clear that I see Jason as the hero of this story, mainly because his origin is pretty fucked up, and most of those teenagers deserve to die anyways, but it’s not to say that Jason hasn’t been known to commit some really messed up acts, like for example, stabbing a lady in her nethers and splitting her in half…..which is just not cool. You never hit a girl down there, and you never shoot a guy in the dick. That goes without saying. Also, I feel like Jason does get away with certain things that he really shouldn’t, and if we can organize a manhunt for suspected terrorists, why can’t we organize a 50 man team to go hunt through the woods in organized fashion and flush this guy out? Wait….they did that? When? Jason Goes to Hell? AAaaah shit….they did do that, and you know what happened, he fucking came back again!!! I bet you guys thought I was going to go in a different direction with that one, huh? Well guess what, technically I did, and it just goes to show that Jason can never be killed. How did he come back after being shot, stabbed, clubbed, and blown the fuck up? He possessed the doctor doing the autopsy by having his heart be eaten and wearing the man like a goddamn pair of jeans. It’s simply amazing. However, his biggest dick move would for most people be the entirety of Jason X, however, for fans of the series, this one was so bad it was good. I wrote a post on it a while ago, and you should go check it out. Bringing Jason to space was deemed too ludicrous for most people, because apparently they have never seen any of the other movies. The guy stalks and near teleports behind trees, coming back from the dead, killing hundreds of people and being struck by goddamn lightning…..but apparently space is too much of a stretch for certain people. Anyways, you should actually check it out as it is not that bad. It has a higher sense of schlock I understand, but it is still fun to watch him do his thing in space.
I feel like I could talk about Jason for pretty close to the rest of my life, but I think you guys already understand the point that I am trying to make. I find it funny that at the Oscars, they give away awards for memorable performances and terrific acting, but what they don’t give awards for are notoriety, as I can firmly say that I have met more people in my life that know who Jason is, but do not know or give a fuck about what Adrian Brody did in the Pianist, yet he won an Oscar for that. Bullshit. Jason is more iconic and popular than a large chunk of Oscar winners, yet he does not have an Oscar himself, which is a travesty. If anyone on the board is reading this, heed my recommendation and just give the guy one already. He has more than earned it, and his box office numbers slay most of the competition. See what I did there? Anyways, I implore you to come back next week as I will have a new maniac to grace your screens and make you feel uneasy about enjoying. If there is one thing I can say though before ending this, is that you all need to take this guy seriously, because you never know when you’ll be face to face with him in the woods, on a rooftop, or in your own house. If you do encounter him though, you might as well just accept your fate, because you most likely fucked up and he is your destructive angel sent down to earth to clean you up a bit. See you creeps later!!
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