Horror of Horrors: Halloween (The holiday….not the movies)
Happy chill filled mornings to you all my precious geeks! Is it starting to get cold enough for you? Yeah, me neither. This is the time of year where I finally start to wake my ass up and actually do things that don’t involve sacrifice or sweating. If I could nap through most of the balmy days of summer, I would be a happy Harkness. This, however, is literally the best time of the year. The air is crisp, the grass is dew dropped, and there are going to be lots of horrible creatures and severed limbs littering the lawns of suburbia. You know what that means….Halloween is coming!!! This is my favorite holiday besides my birthday, and my balls have been getting ready for all of that sweet, sweet horror that is associated with this decoration and blood filled holiday. I honestly can’t wait, and I’ve already got my knives and bowls ready for pumpkin carving. The best part of the coming of October is of course, all of the horror movies that they will be showing on television, culminating in the yearly tradition of catching Night of The Living Dead at least 3-4 times during the 24 hour marathon they play every year. This has been a Harkness tradition since I was a young lad, and I keep it every year. So for this week’s Horrors, I thought I would bring you guys down memory lane real quick, and talk about some of the things that make this day very special in my life, and what horrors I have committed and been privy to over the years. You guy’s ready? It’s going to get real weird….
Halloween was always a very scary time in my neighborhood, not because of costumes or anything, but because kids are fucking dicks. Each and every one of them. Nobody really gives a shit about anything at the age when you are still trick or treating, and an egg or delicious Twix could easily become a hate filled missile aiming directly for your face and or house. Nothing was sacred on this night, and even most cops decided that it was much easier to just let kids do what they wanted for one night rather than deal with the headache of trying to arrest or bring home hundreds of ghosts and goblins and goddamn fairy princesses (I am not excluding girls because they could be just as bad). It was a lawless town, and after seeing the movie, almost like The Purge. Let the kids do what they want, things will be cleaned up and fixed, and everyone is good until next year’s purge/festivities. It’s a revolving door of death and rebirth for the entire community. Most adults would just deal with it unless it got out of hand, and Arthur was not immune to the charms and allure of egging the shit out of someone’s house…..even though it was my own house I was egging. What can I say? I didn’t want to piss anyone off, so I pissed off my parents by egging my own house. Whatever, I was a kid and didn’t think anything of it. Such is the power of Halloween. Little bastards and bastardettes prowled the streets, so who’s to say it was really me anyways? Regardless, it was all just mostly harmless fun and kids reverted back to normal people the day after, unless they were still in a candy and rage fueled tornado of sugary madness. Also, I am also positive that I am an idiot, as every year I make the same mistake with candy corn. it always looks delicious, and it always winds up tricking me yet again. I believe that all of the world’s supply of candy corn was manufactured in 1903, and they have been recycling and restocking with that same batch ever since.
Halloween does strange things to people. Sometimes, people would take on the characteristics of whatever they were supposed to be, and you had kids with broken legs that attempted to do ninja back flips and kids with lacerations on their faces after trying to whip just like Indy. Lawless…..bar none. It’s actually somewhat amazing to see what people can do and will do when channeling their favorite character or person, and it just shows how fucking crazy we all are under a mask or behind a wig. I am not excluded, as I was Indiana Jones for Halloween one year, and proceeded to make my cousin’s life a living hell while she was staying with us by waking her up in the middle of the night with whip cracking noises coming from my bedroom. I practiced, guys, day and night, and there is no fucking way that bullwhip shit can be real. It’s so hard!! Moving on. I have seen people do the most strange things while in costume, but then again isn’t that what Halloween is all about? Mild and meek during the regular year? Why not be a warrior or sexy kitten or something? It’s all about being able to free yourself from professional constraints and the looks of modern day life. You can be anything you want on Halloween, and that is one of the major appeals of it. One thing though, that is slightly awkward yet totally necessary, is the fact that most women’s costumes are of the “sexy” variety. I am not knocking it, but gimme a girl in a Frankenstein costume or one that comes up with something awesome, I will find that way more appealing than sexy waitress or sexy construction worker or even sexy street urchin. Color me prude, but that’s just the way it is with me. Now that is not to say that I would discriminate against those sexy costumes, because even for one day of the year, a girl is capable of being what she feels she is, whether that be sexy this or sexy that, more power to her.
Now, Halloween, much like I have already stated, is a very important holiday to good ol’ Arthur, and that is because I raid every channel and surf through all of Netflix looking for all of the best horror movies out there. I pretty much abstain from watching anything that is not horror starting on October 1st, and continue all the way until the end of that glorious month. Throughout the year, I absorb all sorts of media, but this time of year is dedicated mainly to horror because it just wouldn’t feel right to watch anything else. Such is my dedication to this holiday. Like I mentioned earlier, this affords me multiple viewings of classics because AMC becomes the station to watch during this month as they play almost every horror movie out there, plus The Walking Dead. It’s amazing that they give you such a decent collection to witness during October, and I applaud them for going full steam into it. I cannot say how excited I am. The reason I decided to do this write up in September rather than October is because I have something else planned for you all in October, and this article is basically just a lead in to the festivities that await us, and I figured I would get this info packet out of the way just so you understand what this holiday really means to me. I am sure the Geeks will all be in horror mode, and if all goes according to plan, there is a special treat for you all involving a certain 8 hour extravaganza that has to do with a certain author who hates a certain state…..that’s all I will give you for now. So don your costumes, raid the candy aisle, and make sure you have a decent supply of blood capsules because Halloween is coming, and it’s going to be coming hard……perverts.
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