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Villain Spotlight: The Evil Geeks (Part 1: Evil Geeks Assemble!)

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    The world has ended. Fire and acid rain down from the sky in a deluge of misery and fear. The masses huddle in fear and paranoia as men and women in brightly colored uniforms descend upon them with untold wrath. Smashing. Destroying. Laser beams and bullets riddle the landscape as people flock to half gone shelters where there may still be some semblance of hope left. They will find none, and there will be none. In days long past, we would look to these people for comfort and for protection. Heroes they called themselves. We knew better. We always knew better. Give a person the keys to the kingdom, and it is only a matter of time before they become corrupted. We warned them. We pleaded with them to put an end to their madness once and for all. They didn’t listen. They couldn’t listen. Their lives were so entwined with these demigods that they just could not fathom a world without them. Now they pray for it. We offered them salvation, and they threw it right back into our faces. We never wanted this. We wanted a world where a person is free to make their own choices. Where a person can walk outside and not fear red hot laser death or a savage pummeling by some muscle bound brute with nothing better to do. How do you stop such madness? How do you stop such unbridled power and corruption? There is only one way. We must summon them. In days where heroes are evil, the villains play the role of savior, and we need the best we can find. The only ones we can find. The best we never knew. We needed….The Geeks!

    Starting off strong and epic, right? Welcome back my minions to a very special anniversary edition of the Villain Spotlight!! Today marks the official 1 year anniversary of your favorite evil doers, and in honor of the occasion, I am going to give you all an origin story about how we all came together to bring you guys the very best in all things geek. We know you all love us, and we love you, so we decided to give you all something special. I came up with the idea to put the spotlight on all of us, just for today, and let you all know a bit about ourselves and how the stars and planets aligned just enough to create the screaming orgasm of beautifulness that is us. Now you may ask yourselves, “ Arthur, in a world of heroes and assholes, how did your group of villains survive, let alone thrive in such a prosperous manner?” to which I reply, “ How do you know my language?” We pushed aside Cthulhu, crushed Galactus mid meal, and told Lex Luthor he was doing everything completely wrong, and in the process, established a network of spies and evil doers to perform our bidding and make sure we are never lacking in the information department. It wasn’t easy, but in times of dire straits, the universe sends for messengers and practitioners of its will, and we were just the people to heed the call. Now I know we run a clean ship and are thick as thieves, but this wasn’t always so. Villains tend to be mistrustful by nature, but after seeing what was going on in the world, we had to band together and save it from itself, and the horrible collapse that was quickly happening. You needed us, and although we never knew it, we needed you as well. It’s difficult to be a villain, but we do it for you, because you need us to. This, is the story about how we came together, and how we learned to put everything else aside, and make you the best goddamn website on the fucking planet. Ladies and gentlemen….we are…..the Evil Geeks!

C-Mart

C-Mart: The day was growing colder, and the nights were getting longer. Along the shores of Albany, the USS Slater stood docked and anchored. No longer in use, the ship was more of a showpiece of the area, intended mainly to honor our past and our long gone defenders. Looking at it from a distance, it does not seem too impressive, but inside, treachery was afoot. The city had been reduced to nothing but rubble, but the USS Slater stood unmolested. Inside the bowels of the ship, so called leaders and politicians stood making plans and whispering to each other about how this plan needed to work, otherwise all of the remaining nations would call their banners and their heroes to attack and lay waste to the rest of the city. Hours droned by and no decisions were made, at least inside the Slater. Miles away off the cost of Washington, the order was given by the President Roberts to finally lay waste to one of the last bastions of free will and democracy. The missile was launched, and the President retreated to his harem for the remainder of the night. Showing his short sightedness, he never bothered to make sure the missiles hit. The Slater saw them coming, but with no weapons or mobility, there was nothing they could do. They waited patiently for the coming doom, but something they did not expect happened. A monstrous hand extended from on high, caught the missile, and crushed it with a sickening explosion. The sound could be heard from miles away. The General opened the hatch to the ship and peered up, expecting to see nothing but catastrophe. The man had to have been more than 60 feet tall, nearly omnipresent and impossibly strong. C-Mart had caught the missile, and saved the lives of all those aboard the ship. However, the explosion still registered and shook the ship back and forth. It could not stand another strike. “ Everyone get out! Now!” Boomed the man. The sound echoed across the harbor and made almost all of the people on the ship deaf. They understood what this meant though. They needed to get out, but the ship was damaged and taking on water. C-Mart did what he did best, and lifted it out of the water, where a man in a mask and cape stood waiting for them….

Big Evil

Big Evil: ”Everyone follow me! I’m going to get you somewhere safe!” he turned to run, but something caught him about the arm. The man turned around, grabbed the arm, and snapped it at the elbow before tossing the solider effortlessly towards the wall nearest them. The man went through three walls before finally coming to a rest amidst a pile of rubble. “He’s sending goons, haha. Can you believe it? C-Mart! Get these guys a little further out while I do some clean up over here!” C-mart scooped up the people clamoring out of the ship, and made towards the heart of the city. Big Evil turned to face his attackers. With a smile on his face, he cracked his knuckles and studied the opposition. 17 soldiers, armed to the teeth with assault rifles and stun rods set to superhuman levels. They weren’t taking any chances. Neither was he. He vaulted behind an overturned barricade and steadied himself. He already knew what they were going to do. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small pellet, and heaved it towards the alley that he knew they would attempt to flank. Coughing and retching met his ears. The soldiers would spend the rest of their day lying there, retching and begging for their mothers. The other ten soldiers stood in the same spot as when they met him. He ran right towards the thick of it….and jumped. His boot connected with the first man’s helmet, shattering it and raining glass and blood on the ground. He reached to the left and snapped the arm of the nearest soldier before stomping at the joint of his knee and breaking his leg. He dropped him just in time to see the stun rod pass right by his face. With reflexes quick as lightning, he grabbed the rod and jammed it into the belly of the man who threw it, filling the air with the smell of burnt hair and seared flesh. Within seconds, all of the other soldiers were down or dead, giving Big Evil just enough time to dust off his cape and make his escape. He never saw the volley of over 100 missiles screaming towards him….

Martian Luthor Kang

Martian Luthor Kang 117th: He studied the battle from the skies. His metal and flesh body gleaming in the sunlight. “This man is not aware. Calculating survival probabilities. Moment of impact imminent. Chance of survival…. 1.2%. He must not die. He is too important. They all are…” Martian Luthor Kang 117th knew of these men, but had never in fact, met them. His line of work prevented him from interfering with the affairs of Earthbound humans, and many a year had passed since he had made himself known. For this moment though, he has no choice but to make sure he stayed alive. “Trajectory calculated. Launching intercepting volley.” Stretching his arms out wide, little holes opened up in his flesh, and tiny mechanical insects protruded out of the holes; Tiny missile silos concealing a payload of explosives not known to even exist on the whole planet. Controlled blasts and precision targeting eliminated each and every one of the missiles sent towards Big Evil. The blast knocked him on his ass, but he was still alive. Dusting himself off and getting to his feet, Big Evil looked up to see him descending from the sky.

“ Well, wouldn’t be nice of me not to say thanks….but who are you? And what the hell are you?” asked Big Evil.

Kang looked at him with piercing metallic eyes. “ I am the one who just saved your life. Worthless you may think it is, but it is not. You are needed…all of you. Return to C-Mart, let him know to meet at the black building at the outskirts of the city. It is from there you will all be told who you are, and what you need to be.” Leaving Big Evil to make his way towards the building, Kang pondered the reasoning behind his involvement in this. He had no place here, but he had grown comfortable and enjoyed watching the small creatures make fools of themselves. It was his only entertainment. “I must see Lilith. She will know where he is. The Dark One. The one he fears above all else. The One of the Black.”

Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen: Biff stood up against the outer wall of the bar, drinking in the sights and sounds of the war torn landscape. Reaching into his trench coat pocket, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Effortlessly, he flicks one out of the pack and catches it in his mouth before shooting the tip of the cigarette with his gun, lighting it without blowing it up. Yes, it was a waste of a bullet, but he didn’t have the time to care. Biff was a master of the impossible. Impossible escapes, impossibly precise detective work, and impossibly handsome. He put the gun back into its holster, and turned to walk inside the bar. The stun rod came from nowhere, and as per his namesake, Biff was impossibly fast in disarming and snapping the neck of his would be attacker. Dropping the body to slide limply to the floor, he noticed the other two attackers before they noticed him, and slunk into the shadows. The shadows were his best and only friend, and Biff loved them like he loved his women; Silently, and without incident. He snuck behind the one attacker, snapping his neck and dragging him back into the shadows. The last one, he would take his time with. He was going to make this one fun. He stepped out of the dark, and into the lit alleyway where the last man stood. “You might want to just go home buddy. Not like you stand a chance….I mean unless you want to taste the sweet, sweet embrace of death.“ The soldier was a class act. Never faulting, never fleeing, he charged towards Biff, screaming his last scream. Biff took the gun out and put two rounds into his head. The man was still running before he realized he had been shot. The look on his face was priceless. He put the gun back into his jacket, and went back to the door of the bar. “They’ll be here soon. Better go wait inside.” He went into the bar, and walked towards the back, towards his favorite chair. He slunk down, and poured himself a drink from the dusty old bottle sitting on the table. Putting the glass up to his lips, he savored the taste before putting the glass back down, and drawing his weapon. Before him sat two giant wolves, and behind them was something so blindingly bright, he had to shield his eyes.” What the hell?” he blurted out as the light blinded him. A voice rang out, soft and subtle, and beckoned him to follow…

Lilith Assisi

Lilith: Her wolves would protect her, as they always have. Lately, her connection to all life on the planet had been waning, no doubt caused by the cataclysm that has been the President’s reign. Ever since he had taken power, everything had gone to hell. Lilith stared at the man in the bar. How could someone be drinking in a time like this? I guess there isn’t much else to do for him, but there will be. “Do not be frightened,” Lilith said.

“Who’s frightened? You’re just too damn bright. What sort of dame walks into a bar with a spotlight and goddamn wolves?” Biff answered back.

“They are my protectors, and they will do as they are told. Do not worry about them.”

“Easy to say when they follow you, lady. Any way we can turn the lights off? “

“ Any way you can turn off your brain?”Lilith retorted.

“Good point. Well if you don’t mind, I’m going to pour myself another drink while you figure out a way to dim yourself up a bit, otherwise I’m liable to have my eyes burned out.” said Biff.

“I will do what I can, but in the meantime, what do you know of the President? And the man of the black?”

“First of all, he is not the president, he’s a goddamn actor turned politician who is going to get us all killed, if he hasn’t already. As for the second guy, I have never heard of him. Man of the black?” Biff responded.

“The President must be stopped. Whether by force or by speech, he needs to be taken down. There is nothing and no one besides the Man in Black and the others you will meet who can do this. They call you villains, and they call me she-wolf, she-devil, and corrupter of the faithless. I am none of these things, and neither are you. We are people in need of help, and if we do not seek it, it will never come. We will no longer be labeled villains, we will be labeled the—“

“Don’t even say that god forsaken word. There are none left. All are either dead or working for him now, so they are dead to me as well. None left,” Biff blurted out. He had had enough of that bastard.

“ You need to speak with them, and they will all need to speak with him. You will find them all, but not before you find him. You are the only one who can find him. They do not have the …shall we say, intuition that you have.”

“Well if it gets you to turn those goddamn high beams off, then I guess I’ll help. Where can I find this Man of the Black or whatever?”

”He is where you would least expect it….” said Lilith.

“ What, his mother’s basement or something?” A long pause…..” I’ll check his mother’s basement first then.” Biff turned and walked towards the door.

“Detective….do not underestimate him, and do not balk at him. He is our best hope, but he cannot do this without the rest of you. Once you find him, he will lead you to the rest of us. And then we will be ready.”

“Whatever you say , princess.”

Greekimus Prime

Greekimus Prime: He sat on top of the building looking over the disaster and battle that was the USS Slater. The giant suit he wore made it so everything seemed insignificant, but he knew better. The suit was his way of survival, and without it, he would die. The life support systems would last forever, but only if he was connected to them. He could never leave the mechanical shell he called home. Greekimus stood sentinel and waited for them to pass. He saw C-Mart stomping through the city with the survivors cradled in his hands. He saw the missiles stopped by Kang as they were just about to hit the man in the mask. The sensors in his suit gave him a full field of vision, and mentally linked him to everything the suit could see. He even saw the abomination that was the President’s so called watch dog, pad through the streets in pursuit of C-Mart and the survivors. “Well, I guess it’s time I stepped in. “ He stood up and stretched. His mechanical body was the size of a small skyscraper, and matched C-Mart’s height and strength. If it ever came to blows between the two, the world would do well to just sit back and accept its destructive fate. Greekimus leapt into the air and engaged the thrusters. Soaring through the sky, he watched as the giant dog turned the corner and barreled directly into C-mart’s side, knocking him over. Within a second, the hound was on top of C-Mart, snapping at his face and drooling spittle large enough to fill a swimming pool. C-Mart could only do so much to keep the survivors safe and defend himself. Greekimus descended, and landed right next to the dog. With a force to rival a thousand explosions, he knocked the dog back and lifted C-mart back to his feet. “Looked like you could use some help,” bellowed Greekimus.

“Yeah….thanks….” said C-Mart.The dog smashed back into the both of them. Its ferocity was unmatched, and it knew nothing but it’s master’s orders. Snarling and snapping, the dog made for the both of them. Knocking them both down, the dog straddled Greekimus and began to bite and smash at his face. Swatting was doing nothing as the dog was simply too immense and powerful. C-Mart pulled the dog back and heaved it a hundred feet back. He pulled Greekimus to his feet, just in time to see the dog jump back into the fray. “NO! We’re done!!” screamed C-Mart as he and Greekimus both reared back with their fists. Both punches connected at the same time, and the dog fell to the floor, limp and unconscious. “President Roberts is gonna fucking burn for this….” raged C-Mart.

“Good to see ya , buddy. Saw ya having a bit of trouble, figured I’d be a dick not to help,” Greekimus said.

“Thanks. Let’s go. We gotta get these guys out of here.”

“Yeah, just one second. Greekimus knelt down beside the giant dog, and lifted its head up. “Sorry about that, big guy. I promise I’ll give him the ass kicking of the year for doing this to you. Sorry we had to hit you so hard. I’ll be back for you. I promise.” Greekimus moved the dog to a more comfortable position, and left it beneath a canopy of trees and sunlight. “ Stay….good.” The dog lifted one droopy eyelid, and looked at Greekimus. A small smile crept across its face before it finally passed out again. Deep in the bowels of the capital city, the Man of the Black watched the world from his blackened abode. “It is time…..”

Arthur Harkness

Arthur Harkness: “The detective will be here soon, with the wolf woman and the rest following shortly. I have made the arrangements for them to meet with you as soon as you are ready, my lord.” The servant wore all black, save for the white of its exposed skull.

“Thank you Reginald. I am ready now.  When they arrive, please escort them to the courtyard. I would prefer to have them meet me in here, but the robot and tall man would not be comfortable, and who am I to not be an honorable host?”

“Indeed sir. I shall have them meet you outside in the courtyard. This will be a fine day sir. May death come swiftly to them all, and may they join us forever in your honorable servitude,” Reginald replied.

“You are not my servant Reg. Just because you are bound to me does not mean you need to serve me, “Arthur responded.

“ I choose who to serve, and you will deal with it, sir. In death, I do what I did while a member of the living. I cater to those with importance… you and the ones approaching above all else.”

“I cannot say that you are not the best dead friend a man could hope for. Let’s hope this all goes according to plan, and maybe we will live another day….well me at least.”

“You are the greatest of all wordsmiths sir.”

“You flatter me, Reg.” Arthur watched as the ghostly butler walked out of the room, and made for the courtyard to begin preparations. The detective would be here soon, and when he arrived, he only need wait for the final pieces of his puzzle to fit in. He walked back over to the swirling cauldron, and stuck his hands into the glowing green liquid, pulling out a mass of writhing tentacles. They squirmed and twisted in his hands as he brought them over to the table. “Grow, my little sweet. Grow and teach them what it means to know fear.” The writhing mass began to pulse and glow. He dropped it onto the ground, and the tentacles bore into the soft earth, disappearing in a mass of glowing green horror. “That should do it…now we wait.” A smile crept across his face. Just the thought of what was about to happen was enough to keep him happy for years. He knew he shouldn’t get excited, but it was difficult. It was finally time to show him what he had done to the world, and how his labels and propaganda had turned them into villains and fugitives. No more. They would be free, and the world would bow to them in thanks. There was no coming back after this. The President would meet his end at the hands of those he deemed unworthy and criminals of the state. If it was a criminal he wanted, it would be a murderer he found.  He walked back out to the courtyard, and sat down in the stoic, bone throne he had constructed when first confined to this place. “You do not need to hide from me. I know you’re there, and you know who I am. “Biff stepped out from the shadows, lit a cigarette, and proceeded to walk over to Arthur and sit beside him in a chair of iron blackness. “ Hold on, that seat is slightly uncomfortable. Gimme a second.” Arthur waved his hands and chanted something softly, and the iron began to twist and turn, morphing into a seated throne much like his own. “You are too important for a regular chair, sir. Actually, while I’m at it….” With another wave of his hands and chanting, all of the seats in the courtyard morphed and changed into seats appropriate for those on the way, even creating proper versions of them for the mechanical behemoth and the 60 foot man.  

“So, what is it that we’re supposed to do?” asked Biff.

“We are to wait for the rest, and then I will explain everything. It will go as follows. Kill President Roberts, and protect those we need to. I will go into detail when they get here.  We won’t have to wait long though, they are arriving, and Reginald will see them to us.”

“You mean that walking skeleton over there?” Biff questioned.

“If by walking skeleton you mean Reginald, then yes. Just because he is dead does not mean he doesn’t have feelings. Trust me, you do not want to make someone with no tear ducts cry…..it’s depressing. Aahh here we are.“ They filed in one by one, and made for the courtyard.

“ Master, your guests have arrived. …..”

To Be Continued…

TOMORROW: The thrilling conclusion of the secret origin of The Brotherhood of Evil Geeks!!!

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About Arthur Harkness

I like things, and things like me back

Posted on September 14, 2013, in Features, Geekology, Villain Spotlight and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

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