Horror of Horrors: The Mist
Warning: Once again this article will be filled with profanity, so please be aware. Normally I don’t like disclaimers, but it’s a necessary touch that you guys are going to have to get used to unfortunately. Just in case….also…spoilers, but grow up. The movie has been out for years now.
Welcome once again to your weekly dose of the awful and terrifying! I, as always, am your host Arthur Harkness, and this week I am bringing you something that is slightly funny yet awesomely scary at the same time. Not for most conventional reasons, but more because I laughed my ass off while watching this movie in theaters, which I will detail later in this article. Stephen King is a master of his craft, and even though most of the movies based on his novels have ranged from okay to “oh god what were they thinking?”, you still have to respect the guy. Not everything he writes is easily translatable to the big screen, but dammit if they won’t try. One such piece was the novella titled “ The Mist”, in which a town is besieged by unseen forces swirling around in a dense fog so thick you can’t see two feet in front of you. But that’s not the only part, there’s more to this mist than meet the eye…..because it’s so thick you can’t fucking see (I thought I explained that to you already?) In all seriousness, there’s goddamn tentacle monsters and giant dicks and titty lions all up in that shit…..maybe not the titty lions….but still!! Let’s take a look shall we?
The Mist stars Thomas Jane as a painter who lives in a small town in Maine with his wife and son, and if you know Stephen King at all, you know they are fucked already because they live in Maine. It’s as if something awful happened to King in that state and now all he wants to do is fuck it with every kind of monster and horrible situation you can think of. If I were you, I’d steer the fuck clear of that place. The film starts out detailing the life on Tom Jane’s character (and no, he has already has his kid so he doesn’t need to get them back) as he attempts to calm down his shitty neighbor. I am going to go out on a limb here and state that this motherfucker is going to die…and hard….because he’s an asshole. Not Tom Jane, his neighbor, and if you watch this movie you will know what I mean. I hated him right from the get go. He just seems the type of guy that I would hate in real life, but it’s just a testament to the characters acting, as he does it very well. I was waiting for Jane to channel his inner Frank Castle and just piano wire his neck into a fine red mist (see what I did there?) He calms him down a bit, and they even show a hint of possible friendship, which in reality means that he is going to die worse than what I originally predicted. That slight semblance of companionship or resolution between the characters usually spells doom for them. It’s just science. They head towards a market and meet up with the locals, who are all there after a storm and stocking up on supplies. Cut to twenty minutes later, and the mist has fully engulfed the town, and shit starts to panic. Queue the giant tentacles!!
Tom Jane, while attempting to fix a broken vent in the back of the market, stumbles upon a giant tentacle dicking its way around the back garage, and attempts to warn people about it. Nobody listens, as usual, and then Sherman from American Pie gets his chest ripped off…not open… but off by the tentacle…and now people believe him. Isn’t that a shame? You have to wait until someone dies to believe the guy. What is our problem? So Sherman is dead and dragged off while whimpering and crying, and people finally start to freak out in earnest. Now come the religious zealots and idiots. I am not classifying them both as the same, but they are both accounted for so I will at least mention them in the same sentence. The dumb ones attempt to go out into the mist, and are never heard from again. Fucking idiots. It’s as if they have never, ever watched or heard of scary movies before. What is it with human in a time of crisis like this? Everyone seems to forget the basic training that television provides them, and just go about doing whatever they think is right, which usually turns out to be fucking dumb. Then we get the religious lady, who in all honesty should have been fucking shot within two minutes of her arrival on screen. Fucking bitch. She literally had me fuming because what happens in exactly what you think would happen. The dummies join her because they don’t understand what’s going on, which is fine, but if you’re going to follow anyone, follow the one that is not fucking crazy. Simple right? Apparently not. An hour later, more people are dead as fuck as giant insects and creepies descend upon the market in force and attempt to eat or kill everything in sight. The survivors all decide to run towards the end of the film, including Tom Jane, his son, and Andrea from the Walking Dead. Even his wife is dead, wrapped in a cocoon in their home that they make a brief stop at. Which in all honesty is horrifying and the most heartbreaking part of the whole movie….or so I thought. Bring on the Depression!!
Tom Jane and the rest of the survivors, including the Dream Lord from Doctor Who, who mercifully plugged the religious bitch earlier with some fine shooting, drive off towards hopeful salvation when they run out of gas and are stranded in the middle of the mist while giant monsters and things of nightmares prowl the streets. Tom Jane makes the fateful decision that they will all die horribly, and decides to just straight up shoot everyone in the car to save them from dying slowly and painfully. Turns out someone didn’t count how many bullets were in the chamber. After shooting his son and everyone else, he turns the gun on himself, with no bullet. Oh god the humanity. Alone in a truck filled with dead bodies and his own dead son, Tom Jane awaits his inevitable demise at the hands of countless horrors. Enter the military!!! They come sweeping through the town and kill all the creatures with fire, which is how everything should be killed. This leaves Tom Jane all fucked up because if he had just waited 5 minutes, everyone would still be alive, including his son. So now he gets to eat his depression cake all alone….in Maine….in a cocoon covered town littered with half eaten corpses and dead insects. Sounds like a goddamn vacation.
I got a chance to see this movie in theaters, as part of a sneak preview, and it may have been the greatest movie going experience of my life, mainly due to two kids sitting behind me. These motherfuckers would make the worst sex jokes about all of the horrible things happening in the movie, and my body was racked with shaking fits of laughter. I couldn’t control myself, to the point where I almost had to leave so I wouldn’t bother anyone. I love lame jokes, and these kids had them in droves. I would say you should go find this move and watch it, but you already know you should, since I am suggesting it to you. I think you would all enjoy it, mainly for the absurdity of it, but also because it is rather entertaining. Trust me, you’ll be slightly disappointed, but you won’t care because the ride is the best part, not the destination. Am I right? Yeah I’m right. Hopefully you’ll find some people to make crass and unnecessary jokes during the film, and it will make it so much better. Now if you’ll excuse me, there seems to be a dense fog outside my window…..nope…it’s just a brush fire. False alarm guys.
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