Horror of Horrors: Evil Dead (2013)
Salutations and demon infestations to all of you, my loyal creeps and crawlies. At the suggestion of my close personal friend, Mr Frederick “Piano Wire” Wiegelhoffer , I am bringing to you a more recent bout of horror, yet also older than the ones I have brought to you already. How is this possible? Through the magic of remakes and reboots! Hollywood is in love with them, and more often than not, they don’t tend to be as good as the older ones (see Dante’s Peak….wait…that wasn’t a remake? It was called Volcano first right? Oh that came out at the same time? BROSNAN!!!!!) Anyways, I was lucky enough to catch Evil Dead a long time ago as a kid, and I fell in love with it. The first time my buddy ever got drunk, he puked into my Evil Dead lunchbox in a fit of sick fury. It may have been one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. I just recently watched both the new and old Evil Dead movies, and honestly, they are both really good. So let’s get to this blood soaked nightmare, and hope we all come out alive….Dead Alive? (maybe another day Jackson, you gloriously gory bastard).
PS: As an added bonus, and something to make this article pop out to you a bit more, listen to this song, as it is strongly influenced by Evil Dead. “Raped In Hatred By Vines Of Thorn” by The Black Dahlia Murder. Trust me, you will thank me later.
Everyone who knows horror movies has seen the original Evil Dead. It is an amazing piece of horror cinema brought to us all by Sam Raimi. If you call yourself a horror fanatic and haven’t seen this, then you need to hand in your blood card and soak yourself in some offal, because you are a charlatan. I do not mean to get so defensive and aggressive, but such is my love for this movie. It was like nothing of it’s time. Ultra gory, crazy, and honestly insane, you were not left wanting for more at the end of the film. It was a perfect movie, and I adored it. So naturally, when I heard they were going to be remaking it, with Sam Raimi aboard, I was more than excited. I immediately re-watched the original, just to bone up and make sure it was fresh for comparison in my mind. I know it is somewhat bad to go into a remake with thoughts of the original in mind, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to. I needed to. I waited patiently for it to be released, and finally , on the opening weekend, I descended upon the theater with girlfriend in tow, and we sat down to experience something I had been salivating over. Queue opening scene, and the film was rolling.
Almost two hours went by, and at the end, I was confused. It couldn’t be. It shouldn’t be. Did I just enjoy a remake, almost as much as the original? The thought was crushing every other brain wave I had. I was in shock, yet also in amazement of how good the remake was. I know some of you may disagree with me, but you need to look at it this way. Just because Ash wasn’t in it (although they did film a cameo scene, and he is rumored to be involved in the sequel if it happens) does not mean that it is not an Evil Dead movie. The Evil Dead, is immortal and infinite. Think of it as not a remake, think of it more as a continuation. Ash couldn’t and shouldn’t be the only person who discovers the cabin and the Necronomicon with his friends, and this movie shows us what happens when more people encounter the book and the cabin. Trust me….it’s pretty fucked up.
The thing you need to understand with this movie, is that they had such a cult following and a massive fan base to deal with , and I think they did a really good job. All of the characters were very nicely done, and you could relate to each of them in some fashion. You have your standard hippy (you poor, poor bastard), jock, drug addicted girl, her brother, and of course, the star of the movie, the demon in the woods. Now you should not be surprised that some of these people are not going to make it, as it is a horror movie, but the way things happen is just so visceral and brutal, that it is beyond entertaining . It’s amazing. One scene in particular shows exactly what would most likely happen if you became possessed, which is to piss yourself and start cutting off your own face. But not me…if it was me being possessed, I would most likely let it happen, just to see what it was all about. You can’t sympathize unless you know how the other half lives, ya know? That’s why I have given my family and friends strict directions to not kill me and not let me kill myself until I have turned for at least 5 minutes in a zombie situation. If I am to become a zombie, just let it fucking happen, and deal with it after. No offense to my family and friends, but you will not fucking deny me in the request. If it happens, I swear to Odin that I will haunt the shit out of whoever ends it early. Sorry to sound so sadistic, but I only get one chance for that, and I am taking it. Moving on.
The effects of the movie, plus the make up and costumes need to be admired. The original had really well done effects and make up for its time, but this one is born of the future and they have many more techniques at their disposal. One thing I will have to point out, is that in terms of creepiness, nothing will ever beat out the original and Ash’s girlfriend sitting on the floor laughing with milk white eyes, and blood red cheeks when she finally gets possessed. The mirth and glee she exudes while being in full possession is stunning to say the least. There didn’t seem to be that moment, but the fully possessed girl and “patient zero” , if you will, was very well done, and the gore that is provided is very nicely done. I won’t say exactly what, just so you can experience it yourself, but it’ll make you think that biting your tongue is nothing compared to what happens to one person. It’s so brutal that it made my skin crawl for days. I have this power to completely immerse myself and imagine what it feels like to experience what someone else is feeling, and it hurts so good.
Now, I know what you are thinking and what you are all hoping for. Is there a chainsaw? Is it attached to someone’s hand? Do we get to see someone fuck up the creatures of the haunted wood with said chainsaw? The answer is a resounding……fuck yes. Once again, for spoilers sake and just to let you all experience it for yourselves, there is a chainsaw, and someone does use it, much to great applause from the audience. Also, on a side note, what the hell is up with clapping at a movie theater? Please stop, and don’t do that anymore. It is rather dumb. At a play or a concert, have at it. At the theater, keep your shit in check and sit the eff down. No offense, it’s just a pet peeve of mine. Anyways. The movie ends on a very high note, and you feel bad and good at the same time. Bad because the film is over, and good because it was thoroughly enjoyable. I literally had the worst of intentions going into it, but after I saw it, I was more than impressed. I plan on actually purchasing the dvd when it comes out (I believe it has already) and it will be the first movie I have bought that was not in the $5 bin at a certain blue store (with the exception of Dredd and MacGruber, because those were bought a while ago) and plan on watching it many more times in the future. I recommend you all to pick this up and enjoy at your own risk. If you do pick this up and watch it though, please take this into consideration, and consider the track I had you listen to at the beginning of this article…. BEHOLD THE WRATH! OF THE NECRONOMICON!! Sweat dreams my little ghosts and goblins.
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