Horror of Horrors: Jason X and Jason Goes to Hell
Welcome back once again to your weekly feast of blood and gore. I, as always, am your devourer of souls and filler of empty holes (graves, you heathens) , Arthur Harkness. Today I bring to you something that is slightly (greatly) absurd yet oh so awesome at the same time. Your boy Arthur loves horror movies, we all know that, yet what you don’t know is that I have almost no shame with my love for certain properties. One such being Friday The 13th and all things Jason Voorhees. I know a lot of you must be fans as well, so in honor of our masked assailant and stalker of camp grounds, I am going to give you a combined dose of two Friday the 13th movies! Excited? Well you should be! Because I am giving you Jason X and Jason Goes to Hell. Hahaha I wish I could see the look on all of your faces. Why? Because I know you all are probably groaning at the moment. But Arthur! Those were pretty much the worst out of all of them!! You know what I say to that? NAAAAAY!!! NAY again sirs and ladies! And let me tell you why. Grab my hand because this we may get separated running through these woods.
Jason Goes to Hell came out in 1993, way earlier than I originally remember, too much derision and flack. People gave the movie shit for being one of the worst of the Friday the 13th movies, and I can easily understand why, but I will also tell you why you are wrong to think that. Jason Goes to Hell, which I will henceforth abbreviate to JGTH, is a monster of its own accord. The previous installments in the series were not known to be all that realistic (it’s a horror movie…..) and Jason keeps coming back after being blown up, stabbed, fried by the power of Thor, and blown the fuck up again. It’s amazing. This one however, lets us know that it’s a mystical hellish force that keep Jason alive, and keeps bringing him back. And by mystical hellish force I mean he is a giant head/dick worm that crawls into the vaginas of his descendants and rebirths itself as the monster we all know and love. Got that one comprehended? Good. He is chased around this time not by a teenage girl who just wanted a little bit of summer frivolity, but by a guy who I am pretty sure is the weirdo from every college party. Shows up a bit late with his letter jacket, even though he graduated 15 years ago. Yet he still loves to talk to the young girls. Picture Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused except infinitely more creepy. He is looking after his daughter and former girlfriend, who I think accused him of some sort of assault or rape years earlier, and we’re supposed to like this guy as the hero. I get it. It’s a tragic tale of redemption….and Jason fucking Voorhees. After chasing and running and people getting thrown into fryers and other people getting cut in half vagina style by a sign post, everything comes together in a final battle at the original Voorhees home, which apparently is a nice old Victorian rather than the shitty wood dregs they lived in at the time of the first movie.
Did I also mention that the whole time this movie is going on, there is a Carl Weathers –like man hunting down Jason and the girl who is supposed to herald his total rebirth. It’s a strange family. He is hands down though the star of the movie. He makes things pop when he needs to, and is one of those guys that you are pretty sure would have worked for Cobra if they offered him the position. Have to love him for it. I would also like to point out that the beginning of the movie is quite possible the best opening to any Jason movie. I won’t spoil it, but shit gets blown the fuck up. Trust me, you’ll love it. The reason I find this one to be so good when everyone else finds it so bad, is because they tried something completely different than the rest of the Jason movies. He jumps from body to body so it’s almost a new killer every time he does it. It keeps it slightly fresh, and also provides a novel approach. It tried giving us more insight as to why Jason is able to keep coming back, and why he is so dangerous, besides the whole mass killing thing. I say check it out, and check it out soon. You’ll be wonderfully disappointed or gloriously happy. Either way we all win. Moving on.
Jason X was released in 2002, and marked a big jump in time between the last movie and this one. Jason, after being frozen in a chamber because nobody knew what else to do with him, is found in the future by a crew of students studying the decaying ruins of planet earth. Much like their more present day counterparts, they are fucking idiots and wake his ass up, because it would be “profitable” and could potentially lead to “scientific discovery”. Both of those words in quotations are alternate terms for get knifed in the fucking face. I know what you are all thinking…Jason in space? There is no way this can be good. Once again…NAY I say! What could be better? They make Jason the fucking Terminator and he is officially Batman Beyond now. Everything is updated but it’s still the same old murderer we love. He is brought aboard the ship, boobs are shown, and those are the first people to die. What do I always say, kids? No sexing when Jason is in town. It doesn’t matter what time or space you are in, just don’t do it. But then again, I guess there are fucking idiots in the future too. Jason goes all camp grounds on the kids, and pretty much everyone dies except the broad who froze him in the first place, who was also frozen and thawed out at the same time. Talk about future shock. Its kind of amazing and horrifying at the same time that she is frozen in battle with Jason, and then wakes up to continue the fight. Hands up who would be thrilled to be in that situation….None of you? Good! Then you have all been learning, unlike these fucking space morons who even though Jason is in their databanks, and they know he is a killer who can’t be stopped, still bring him back to life. I will have to commend them though for their sheer hubris in thinking that they could handle Jason. On the bright side, his resurrection and subsequent killing spree gave us the opportunity to witness some glorious one liners and puns. For example, if you saw someone fall onto a giant corkscrew while spinning downwards to his death…would you consider him screwed? If so then you will love this movie. I sincerely guarantee it.
The reason Jason X was so amazing to me was the fact that I saw it in the theaters. I went with some buddies who had seen previous Jason movies, but I was a bigger fan than they were and essentially dragged them all to see it with me. We skipped school ( I know I know, but such is my dedication) and saw it at the local cinema, Hoyts I believe, and I immediately fell in love as soon as the opening scene played. Everyone in the theater was laughing, and so was I, but mine was more of genuine delight rather than painful comedy. I still receive incredulous looks to this day for enjoying this movie, and have since watched it not three weeks ago. It’s a wonderful piece of cinema (used loosely) that I really think most people need to give a second chance, just for the sheer schlock fest that is Jason X, or as I refer to it, Jason Fucks Space with his Space Machete Dick. A bit long (get it?) but I feel it is more appropriate.
I was not totally sure what to provide you all with this week for the Horror of Horrors, but in a stroke of genius (or was it madness?) I came up with this nice little diddy for you all. I honestly hope you all give both of these films another chance, as I feel you will not be as disappointed as you were the first time you saw them. You just have to dig deep to find all of those delicious little morsels of brilliance and horrifying delight. And if not, we always have Freddy to fall back on. Just not ass first, the guy has a condition….
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