Villain Spotlight: Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg
Greeting and Salutations all those in the geekdom! Welcome back once again to another dose of pure, unadulterated villainy. To be completely honest with you all, I was highly debating on whether or not to make the spotlight about myself this week, purely based upon a drawing done by one Martian Luthor Kang 117th. I unfortunately decided against it, mainly because I do not think the world could handle that much meta in a single article, and also I don’t seem to have that high a level of hubris….not yet at least. Trust me though, when I say I was basing it purely on that portrait, it must be something amazing, and amazing it is. It will be unleashed in due time, but now is not the time. Although I know you all want the spotlight on me (and I do blush) I must bring it over to one of my favorite villains. Encountering him not too long ago, but long enough that he may have been swept under most radars, I immediately hated this man, and by hate I mean love. Ladies and gentlemen, mercs and space pirates, I bring to you….Jean-Baptiste…Emanuel….Zorg!!
I hope you all read that in your best Gary Oldman voice, and if you didn’t. I don’t want to know what is wrong with you, because it would be too much for me to handle. Zorg is the type of man that could easily identify as Luthor-esque (thank you Kang) . He is a very rich man in a monetary sense, but as a human being, he is a poor example. I am going to make a confession to you all right now as well, and hope you do not all hate me afterwards….I hated the Fifth Element the first time I saw it. I know , I know, but I just didn’t realize how awesome it was until the second time I saw it. I was not aware of how awesome Gary Oldman was, and was focusing more on freaking multipasses than the great performance that was unfolding right in front of me. Luckily though, I gave it a second chance, and now I can give you all a chance to revel in the glory that is Zorg. Moving on. Zorg is a high end businessman and doesn’t care who he steps on to get to where he wants to be. Rationalizing his methods in the most awful, yet somewhat agreeable way, he makes us all think that he really isn’t the bad guy, but we all know better. His half comb over half plastic shell casing really scream asshole to you, and it’s hard to suspend that notion, no matter what he says. But that just makes me love it even more.
Intending to make a shitload of money all while dooming the human race and planet earth itself, Zorg strikes a deal with the ultimate baddie, a floating planet that leeches life and destroys other planets (think Galactus but with no balls). This is not good, even for Luthor style standards. At least Luthor just hates Superman and wants him dead, not the planet (most of the time), while Zorg just wants everything dead and to get off of Earth before it happens. Standing in his way though are Bruce Willis, Bilbo Baggins, and the girl from Resident Evil (I know its Milla Jovovitch and Ian Holm, but Res Evil and Bilbo are much better for me in terms of comedy…and I hope so for you as well). Milla is Leelu, a super being made to stop this whole mess, and Bilbo is the goodly future priest sent to help her, which is funny because the first two people I think of to send into battle to save the planet are an old man and an adult newborn. Zorg hires a group of mercenary aliens known as the Mangalores, which sounds eerily similar to another group of famous alien mercs (you should all know who) and they take up the hunt. They are not too smart though, and Zorg gets tired of their shit, and blows most of them the fuck up in a most devious and awesome fashion. He uses their own stupidity and makes them blow themselves up. Oh the villainy is so palpable. I love it. Mangalores may be dumb, but they are stupidly persistent and rather strong, and decide to go into business for themselves.
Zorg had them looking for four element stones, and a missing fifth element, in order to prevent the heroes from saving the planet. He is thwarted at every turn however, and becomes increasingly frustrated and put into a state of fear as he knows what is coming. His boss, the evil planet, is making its way towards earth, and he wants out as soon as possible. He goes on his own to try and retrieve the stones, and in a series of hallways shootouts, blown up hotel rooms, and a space cruise liner almost going down, Zorg meets his unfortunate end at the hands of failure and a properly placed bomb….that he planted himself. I don’t think there is a more brilliant way to go out, than to be blown up by a bomb you planted to kill everyone else. It is almost too much for me to handle. The rest of the movie plays out the way you think it would; the good guys win, with Milla and Brucie Bruce making out as she ejaculates unbridled power from her mouth (oh god…what have I just written?)They save the world, and they turn the giant planet devouring…planet to stone, and it looks like the planet has a new moon to call its own. Poor Zorg is left to populate the cosmos as space dust and broken dreams. It makes me sad, but at the same time it was necessary as if there is no planet earth, there are no more villains. What’s the fun in that?
The best part about this character, is that Zorg is played by Gary Oldman. For those of you who do not know who he is, you should be ashamed of yourselves. He has played so many characters, that it would be a disservice to list them rather than experience them. He took the reins as Zorg, and have us a smooth talking, very classic style villain. He does not have any powers besides coercion and money, but he uses it to perfect effect. It is very difficult to not compare him to Lex Luthor, but they are different in many ways as well. Zorg has half his hair, while Luthor has none….being the main point here. I honestly also just can’t say enough good things about Oldman’s portrayal of this villain. If anyone read the script, and looked over the Zorg part, I feel they would have a tough time capturing the character. Oldman though just took it running and made it his own. It is one of the main reason why even now, years after the movie came out, I still walk around saying his name in the style of Zorg Oldman…..Jean Baptiste…..Emanuel…..Zorg….. It just rolls off the tongue so easy and vile. It’s even a slimy name. Now if you haven’t gotten a chance, I say go out now, or go to Netflix, and watch this epic of a movie. You will not be disappointed, and if you are, just give it a second try. Trust me, I know from experience. Now where the hell is my damn multipass?
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