Horror of Horrors: End of Days
Coming off the heels (which sounds gross to be honest) of Albany Comic Con, which was an absolute blast, I am your host with the most, Arthur Harkness, and I am bringing you your weekly dose of the horrifying. This week I am bringing you a taste of the Armageddon flavor, and highlighting a personal favorite titled End of Days. If any of you have seen this movie, then you understand why I am choosing it. I chose it because we get to see Arnold Schwarzeneggar kick the shit out of Satan himself. Let take a look bullet by bullet, and one liner by one liner. Satan! Bring on the flame of redemption!
End of Days was released in 1999, starring Arnold and Gabriel Berne, who you may recognize as the Earl from The Vikings recaps I do. It is somewhat of a different role, but he’s still the same old dick. This time though, he is merely a puppet body, as Satan inhabits his mortal shell in a bid to take over the world on New Year’s Eve 1999. I don’t think you understand how amazing that really sounds. Let it sink in for a minute…..found it yet? Of course you have! It also stars Robin Tunney after she went crazy in Empire Records and performed all kinds of sex magic in The Craft as Christine York, the one who in a prophecy, is said to be the one who will bear the child of Satan…and I thought I had too many responsibilities. I can’t even imagine the sheer amount of bullshit that goes into bearing the child of Satan. You can’t really ground someone like that or take their Xbox away from them, mainly for fear of being incinerated and made to perform all kinds of horrible deeds in hell. Or can I……..
Arnold stars as a protection agent (basically body guard sent to protect or recapture people) named Jericho Cane, and has his name taken from Biblical references, who has been living in a state of constant depression since his wife and child were killed by hitmen. If there was a set up for a movie that I could watch every day and all day, it would be this one. Your wife and kid are killed, and the only way to recover from that is to kick the shit out of Satan, which we will get to a bit later. After witnessing some pretty messed up shit, like a priest who ripped his own tongue out, yet can still talk, all the way to the same priest being crucified on his hospital room ceiling, Arnold starts to get pretty nervous. However, years ago he decided to tell God to go fuck himself after losing his family, and swears more by his gun than his Bible. In a line uttered later in the movie, he makes this point plainly known, as he says if it comes down to his belief in God and his belief in his glock, he picks his glock. So hardass. He visits the crucified doctor in the hospital, not knowing that has happened, and noticed some carvings and words on his skin, and through general detective work, finds the name Christine York, and begins the search for her.
The search takes them all over town, all while Satan gets all of his followers and helpers in line. He is also involved in one of the best scenes ever, in which he walks into a restaurant, grabs a lady’s titty in front of her husband, and then proceeds to blow the place the fuck up. The first time I saw this, I was the only one laughing in the theater. Everyone else seemed to be rather horrified, yet I found the amusement in it. Arnold makes it to York’s house, and tell his partner, played by Kevin Pollack, to wait in the car while he goes in to get her. Arnold finds that she will not be taken easily, as all of the people who have been taking care of her are in Satan’s service. He proceeds to beat the living shit out of an old woman who seems to be stronger than normal old ladies, all the while Satan waits outside. He pisses into an alley, and the urine comes out black and oily. This will not end well for a certain someone. The trail makes it to the van, and Pollack is blown up by Satan’s piss. I am not sure any death on earth would be as metal as that. Arnold finally rescues the girl, and they get the fuck out of there. It turns out that almost everyone Arnold knew is employed by Satan, and his boss attempts to kill them. Arnold kills everyone, and then they flee to a church with Christine, where they are told the real madness behind the events taking place. He leaves Christine with them, and goes back to his apartment. At his apartment, guess who decides to visit? If you guessed Jeff Goldblum, you would not be correct, but I would accept it anyways. It is actually Satan, and he is up to his old tricks again. Oh you great tempter, you! I must also take a break right now for a second, and just praise Berne for his role as Satan. He does it without making it seem cheesy or overpowered. He is absolutely menacing, but rather charming at the same time. You kind of want to join his cause, but not really. He also punched a dude right through his face before banging his wife and daughter. I can’t even continue because it is too awesome.
Arnold tells Satan to go fuck himself, and says he doesn’t need anyone to protect the girl. He takes Christine from the church, and they go on the run, culminating in an amazing underground occult gathering and sewer shootout. Arnold even blows up Satan with grenades and all manner of guns. But the Prince of Darkness is not easily subdued, and the fight continues. They make it to another church, and even though Satan should not be allowed to come into it, he does and possesses Arnold. In Arnold’s body, he attempts to take Christine forcibly, but the man who was and once again will be Conan, mentally beats Satan for a few moments, and gives Christine the chance to escape, right before realizing there is only one way to permanently stop this from happening. He sees an angel statue broken on the ground with a protruding angelic sword, and he proceeds to impale himself and Satan on the blade, effectively killing himself and Satan in one fell swoop. The world is saved, and Arnold, for performing this sacrifice of ultimate magnitude, is invited to heaven where he reunites with his family. Awwww isn’t that sweet? All it took for him to earn redemption was fucking kill SATAN HIMSELF!!!! If that is the going rate for heaven then I think the lot of us are all screwed….mainly because there is only one Satan.
I honestly thought this movie was going to be crap when I first saw it, and to be honest, it wasn’t amazing…it was mind blowing. I really don’t care what most people think, but then again I have a hard on for Arnold movies and own this one in my evil collection. I would recommend this to anyone, except religious zealots as I am sure they would agree with the priest that God is your greatest weapon, when obviously this movie proves that wrong. It’s a downed stone angel’s sword….herdurrrrrgh. If you get a chance, and I am not sure if this is streaming at all, but you can still find it at most places for purchase, I recommend seeing it just to see Arnold kick Satan’s balls in. Trust me, you may or may not be disappointed. But when has Arthur ever steered you wrong? NEVER!!! That’s when.
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