Horror of Horrors: Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood
Greeting my little goyles and ghouls! Welcome back to another installment in the much anticipated series by yours truly, Arthur Harkness, Horror of Horrors! After reading last week’s entry with Demon Knight, I was requested by one of our contributors, the wonderfully talented and master of thrones, Isavella Vassilakis Eden, to examine one of our childhood favorites, Bordello of Blood! It was very difficult for me to get the rights to use Dennis Miller’s name, but I noticed he wasn’t really doing too much at the moment, so I gave him $50 and a wheel of cheese. He seemed to enjoy it more than anything I have ever enjoyed in my life. I guess that’s what life dishes you after HBO ditches you. Moving on!!
Bordello of Blood was released in 1996, and is considered more comedy/horror compared to Demon Knight being mainly horror. It stars Dennis Miller as a private detective, looking to detect some privates. I think that’s about it….just kidding. The film is really about the resurrection of the head of all vampires, Lilith, and not the one from Marvel Comics. This Lilith is somewhat more malicious, and has no problem ripping out throats and drinking the sweet precious lifeblood within. She is played by Angie Everhart, who is mainly known for having red hair, as expressed by Wikipedia. She also modeled or something….not sure as I wasn’t staring at her resume, if ya catch my drift….she’s a fucking vampire, I was staring at her teeth you heathens. The rest of the cast is rounded out by Corey Feldman, who is a Crypt regular, and the girl who kinda looks like the girl from the Chase (the fantastic Charlie Sheen love story). No offense to her, but it’s the first thing I think of, although I don’t think she’ll be easily subdued with a Butterfinger. Lilith is brought back to life by a dastardly little man, who is also in possession of the key of Christ from Demon Knight…looks like Jada Pinkett fucked that one up. She proceeds to feed on everyone except the guy holding the key, and she says she’ll behave. Fast track over to a whorehouse!
Corey Feldman is attempting to get his rocks off with some buddies when they enter a whorehouse in the middle of nowhere. If anyone has done anything in their lives, this should not bode well. Word of advice to all of my readers, stay the fuck away from whorehouses in the middle of nowhere…its almost as bad as taking a shower in any horror movie ever. Turns out, the place is run by a fully powered Lilith, and she proceeds to bed and bleed everyone in the place, and poor Corey becomes a vampire in her service, which leads us to his sister hiring Miller as the private eye to locate him. His investigation leads him to a church run by the bad guys, and he learns of their shadowy dealings with the whorehouse to fund their activities. Rafe (Miller) even passes by Lilith in the church without realizing who she is. He makes it to the whorehouse a while later, and in an attempt to be seduced, some of his blood is tasted by the vampire, and she takes a liking to him. I guess it is true….if you deny someone something, it will only make them want it more. Which is funny because I deny myself to multiple people, but that doesn’t seem to make them go crazy for me. Or does it? I don’t know, I rarely leave the basement. Anyways, some shit happens, Miller is made to look like a fraud, and the key is destroyed to give Lilith back her absolute full power and immortality. Shit if it was that easy I would’ve been breaking keys and oaths long ago.
The girl who hired Miller is attempting to try and piece together some information concerning her brother’s whereabouts, notices that even though Lilith should have been in the film, is nowhere to be seen. This stresses her as it is not possible, and calls Miller to help her out. Just as he arrives though, she gets a call from her Corey, and a Chase is set (how did you guys ever live without my puns and witticisms?). They set off once again towards the whorehouse, and we now know where all final battles should be fought. They make it there to find out that Caleb is now undead, and the trap is sprung. The girl is caught, and Miller is taken to a hospital. In the hospital, a female vampire is sent to kill him, but he is just crazy and smart enough to lure her into sunlight, killing her in a cloud of dust and smoke. Taking matters into his own hands, Miller grabs a few super soakers, and fills them with holy water to bring the pain directly to the vampires. He finds the girl, and even kills Corey Feldman, which is unfortunate as he was one of the better characters in the movie. He chops Lillith with an axe, but as we all know this isn’t going to work, and she flees to heal herself. This sets up the super duper climactic and amazing ending!!
They chase Lillith back to the church, and apparently the priest has been using a giant fucking laser to perform his sermons. ChaChing! Miller uses this in the best of ways, and cuts Lillith’s heart into another 4 pieces, and finally kills her. The day is saved, and everyone is happy. BULLSHIT! Miller and the sister attempt to get hot and heavy, and in the process Miller notices a set of bite marks on her leg, and she reveals she has been a vampire for a little while, before tearing open Miller’s throat and feasting on his politically driven blood. The screen fades out with him squirming, and the vampires winning. Gotta love a happy ending to a love story.
I know a lot of you guys might be rather upset that I chose two consecutive Tales From The Crypt films, but in all honesty, you know you love it. These sorts of schlock fests have paved the way for lots of other movies that you watch and enjoy today, and a campy horror movie is never a bad thing. Unless its one of the dregs on Netflix. I love you Netflix, but sometimes your selection of horror is rather lacking. This movie is one of my favorites though, just due to find memories as a kid watching it, much like Demon Knight. You can catch this flick on Netflix (one of the good ones) or buy it off of amazon or something. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this performance way better than Miller in Joe Dirt….although home is where you make it.
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