Horror of Horrors: 30 Days of Night
Good day to you my little ghouls and ghosts. Today marks the official first entry into the super scary, super gory and super sexy Horror of Horrors! I, as always, am your boy Arthur Harkness, and I invite you to join me in a journey to the farthest reaches of the world…Alaska. Oh Alaska, what you lack in warmth and sunlight you make up for in foot long mosquitos, bitter cold, and everlasting darkness. You are a dream to desolate introverts everywhere. I will make a visit at some point in my life. However, today isn’t about my dreams of the cold and dark, today is about vampires, specifically the good ones in 30 Days of Night. These aren’t your high school vampires kids, these are the legit scary ones; ruthless, merciless, and super strong with teeth that can flay your flesh in seconds. OOoh gives me the chills just thinking about it.
30 Days of Night is based on the comic of the same name, and yes I will be using the movie more than the comic today, as I have yet to read it. I did have it in my hand for purchase at the Secret Stash a while ago, but I decided to go for the HUGE Judge Dredd book as I felt like that was the better value, considering it had well over 4,000 pages in it (exaggerating…but seriously), so the movie will be the main course. I have seen this movie well over ten times, but last night I got to watch it again with someone who had never seen it, and it made it almost brand new to me. I found myself with an unlit cigarette hanging out of my mouth for quite a while, mainly because I had zoned out while watching. We were in total immersion and it took a while for to realize I hadn’t lit it yet. Such is the power of merciless slaughter to me. The movie takes place in Alaska, during the yearly 30 days of night. Alaska sits so far up that there is an entire month of darkness, and if you know vampires at all, you know this would be like their version of Discovery Zone. An open arena to just fuck around and feast on the flesh of the living without that pesky sun poking its dirty and condescending face into your business. Just bring your own kneepads.
The movie opens up with everyone getting ready to either leave or hunker down for the month of darkness (if any bands are reading this, I require royalties in the form of coffee or werther’s originals with all of the band names I am going to be providing for you today) and Josh Hartnett is the sheriff of the small Alaskan town. He makes sure shit stays the way it should, all while puffing on his inhaler and making convenient plot devices for people to exploit later. He is actually pretty good in this movie. He plays the sheriff rather well and doesn’t come off as the last gun in the west sort of character. He is just a small town sheriff, but he doesn’t come from a secret government organization who used to send him on mass killing sprees until he retires to a small town. He was born and raised there, and he has that mentality. It’s a good job on his behalf. We also had the chubby curly haired guy from Sons of Anarchy, and a whole bunch of other people who I like to refer as The Expendables (haha get it? fuck you). Harnett and his deputy locate a hole with all of the town’s cell phones burned up and melted, and then all the dogs get killed mysteriously. Looks like someone doesn’t want anyone getting word to the outside world….hmmmm I wonder who it could be? Is it the old man with Altzheimer’s? Or how about the new guy who orders booze and raw meat for dinner? I’ll let you make your assumptions now.
Shit starts going down hill really quick as the vampires begin slaughtering everyone in the entire town, much to my childlike delight. I absolutely need to give my deepest and sincere “good job” to the effects team and director for the first scene in which shit gets nuts. The shots from above of people running and screaming is harrowing and frightening. I was remarking to my lady friend on how awesome it must’ve been to film that scene with all the actors, but in hindsight, if it was real, it would be the most terrifying thing ever. They toss and rip apart the people like so much confetti, and the blood spray just goes to show how cruel and vicious vampires can really be. I refuse to acknowledge another existing franchise with vampires, because fuck you that’s why. This is the way they should be. Terrors of the night who want nothing more than to spill your life blood and feed on it for sustenance. It’s just the way it should be. Vampires have been made into emotional pieces of shit when they really should be scary and horrifying. We are the cows to their butchers, and we have been primed and seasoned over the years to believe they aren’t real, and they aim to keep it that way, by killing us, and making sure nobody knows what happened.
The whole town is murdered…hard, and a tiny group of survivors including Josh Hartnett, his little brother, and his ex wife/girlfriend/fingerpuppet are hiding out in an attic concealed in the ceiling of a house. Surviving on short food runs and staying fucking quiet, it’s the picture of scared shitless. There is literally nothing that they can really do, but try to outlast the night and wait for daybreak to kill the vampires. I can only imagine what the returning residents will think when they arrive. A town filled with headless and bloody corpses does not a welcome environment make, but alas, the vampires are smart and have a plan for that. Burn the motherfucker to the ground. Pouring oil all over the town, all it takes is just one match and the place is sent into the fiery pits of hell, but like all other movies he is in, Josh Hartnett does not take this lying down. He stopped jerking off for 40 days and 40 nights for fuck’s sakes! If he can do that, I’m sure vampires are no problem. But there is a problem….too many of them, and only one Hartnett, what’s a man to do? The exact same thing I would have done. He injects himself with their blood as he notices that whoever turns, keeps their minds for a brief period of time before succumbing to full vampirism, but gain all the strength and newly acquired bloodlust of them. In a final showdown to save his girl’s life and the life of a little girl who had absolutely no place being there, and might I add that if she is not goth within 3 weeks, then I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. Hartnett proceeds to make the vampire leader a bit breezier after a punch through his face, and the righteous, albeit unfortunately, win the day again. The rest of the vampires scatter without their leader, and apparently they follow the same rule as orcs. If your leader dies, get the fuck out of there or find someone new immediately. They did not find anyone knew, so they said fuck it, and went back to doing what they were doing before they showed up to this town, which I assume is running a dental practice. The end scene shows Hartnett exposing himself (not his dick you pervs) to the sun and burning away in ash as his lady friend mourns with a stoic look of vengeance on her face. Will we get a sequel with her? The answer is yes, yes we did, and I cannot make myself watch it just yet as it looks terrible. Think SyFy channel but worse. I am assuming it is a Uwe Boll movie.
I still plan on reading the comics rather soon as rewatching the movie has made me thirst for more blood in the 30 Days of Night universe. I am intrigued because the comics go much farther into the storyline with the vampires and where they come from, which is something I would like to know. I would Wikipedia it, but I would prefer to read it in full. What did you guys think of the movie? Have you seen it? Have you read the books? Let me know and give me suggestions of things you would like for me to see or read. I am always down for new terrifying experiences, and would love to see what you all enjoy as well. Till next week my little ghoulies, and remember to always keep your hands in the car and wear a turtle neck. You never know when that extra piece of suffocating cloth may come in handy when wrapped around your sweet, juicy throat. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go grab a drink, as I am parched. I wonder if there are any rats in the area…..
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