Horror in the Geekdom!
Good day to you all in the land of fair geeks and maidens. I come to you today with a bit of a tag along concerning a podcast that was recently posted for your listening pleasure. It was a chilling podcast take on horror movies and horror media in general by the Evil Geeks. Sadly, I was unable to be a part of it, and I have since not gotten a chance to listen to it. As a horror geek myself, I felt the need however to add a bit to it, but in written form. We all know Arthur has a way with words, but I am assuming that most of you would not want to listen to me spewing on about horror movies and general spookiness by myself. Not yet at least. Give it some time, and maybe you’ll hear me over your radio waves and spiraling through your headphones.
I was getting my ass handed to me in Injustice by one of our fearless leaders, and I was informed of a horror podcast that had taken place while I was away on leave. Needless to say, I totally wanted a piece of that, but circumstances prevented me from doing so. I am not one to get upset over things like that though, however, If you try to give a toll booth operator all pennies to pay the toll when you could easily use a quarter or bigger change, I will fucking kill you. It’s the little things. But enough about that, let’s get to the horror. I am a rather known horror buff within my circle of companions, and I take it very seriously, and by seriously I mean I fucking love horror movies. The creepier, the better. There is almost nothing like the rush of knowing someone is about to get horribly murdered, and being privy to the entire scene of the crime/mauling. I say that mainly in fictional terms, I’m not a psycho and I don’t kill people…not for free at least. I have always been partial to hauntings and slasher flicks, but I am not opposed to the cerebral or more thriller style of horror movie. I am not a fan of torture porn though. No SAW movies or Hostel, that is just absolutely uncalled for. I am not looking to see someone get their dick cut off and fed to them in a stew that would make Carl Weathers envious. I want to see some running through woods, a ghost silently haunting an old manor, or a demon parading around in a person’s flesh like an Edgar suit. That is something I can definitely get behind. There also seems to be a rather unhealthy obsession with early 2000’s horror flicks and creepy little kids. In the most appropriate sentence I have ever heard, as stated by my good buddy, I cannot be afraid of a little kid who’s ass I can kick handily. I was never one for creepy kids, unless you count Children of The Corn, which you should…outlander, as they just never exuded the sort of terror I was looking for. Granted they can walk very squiggly and creepily down a flight of stairs, but a solid haymaker or a home run swing could easily take care of their apparent walking issues. Think about it.
I am trying to keep this as short on ramblings as possible, but it is going to be difficult. Mainly because there is so much to talk about in terms of what gets my blood going. I tend to see almost every horror movie that comes out, minus a few that I know are going to be solid shitbombs, but you never know when one is going to surprise you. Much like V/H/S or The original Blair Witch Project (which by the way was terrible, but was supremely original when it first came out), you never know what is going to be a sleeper hit. Two of my current favorites are Cabin in the Woods (it was pretty good, and it didn’t take itself seriously, which just adds to it) and John Dies at The End, based off the amazing book of the same name. The film is really well done and much like Cabin, doesn’t take itself too seriously and it adds a sort of relief to the tension when something funny does happen. You honestly believe you are tripping balls half the time you are watching it, but then a joke comes around that makes you remember you are watching a movie, and not reliving your college nightmare about that one time your buddy slipped acid in your coffee. It’s pretty close, but you won’t wind up sprawled naked in front of your parent’s house 4 hours away asking for Jimmy Dean sausages. Sorry dad. I firmly believe that a bit of humor can easily lift up a shocking horror movie into fun status because there is only so much evil/ death a person can handle all at once, and it makes you appreciate the horror elements more when coupled with some dark humor. I can’t tell you all how many horror movies I have seen that literally take you out of the experience with its constant bloodshed or serious tones. I love the Friday the 13th series, but you can’t tell me it would’ve been better without the dumb coeds or Cory Feldman giving us his best Mr Clean impression. He looked ten times worse than Jason ever did with that haircut, and it makes me fully understand why he wasn’t cast in Ladybugs , and why he was cast in Lost Boys.
A good horror film will do a few things to you, not dirty things, but things. It will make you feel claustrophobic , fear the dark, hate the woods in general, and stay the fuck away from hospitals. Funny how a place of healing could have the highest amount of murder weapons available. Everything is made there to cut clean and easily, and horror baddies put them to good use. It also makes you appreciate not being dumb all that much more. I cannot tell you how many times an entire movie could’ve been avoided if the fucking main character just decided to not shower. It’s a never escaping series of blunders on a character’s part that essentially set in motion the plans of a horror villain. Oh so you just saw four of your friends get butchered in the most brutal of fashions? Better take a shower. Oh an escaped mental patient is making murals out of your family’s skin? Better take a shower. That weredog just bite your boyfriend’s face off and shit out his eye balls? Better take a fucking shower. The only reason these assholes would need a shower is to wash off the shame of their utter stupidity. I flick the lights on and run through the halls of my own house at night for fuck’s sakes. These people are fearless cattle who blindly and oftentimes happily run directly into knives and chainsaws, mainly because they seem to not be able to discern the value of their own lives, and I love them for that.
Now I could easily fire off a list of movies you should watch and or games you should play if you need your horror fix, but I am not going to do that. Mainly because it would deprive you of a whole slew of articles and recommendations from your boy Arthur, which is why I will be initiating a new column called “ Horror of Horrors” (Thank you Black Dahlia Murder) in which I will, in great detail, review and list off some treats of the macabre so that you all may enjoy them with me. I wrote this article mainly as a lead in for you all to the new column I am working on, and hope you will all take the ride with me. Pardon the ramblings and borderline hate filled speech that I am offering you all today, but it was a necessary evil so as to not burden you all with an intro later on. Trust me, you couldn’t have the Avengers without all the other lead in movies before it. It just wouldn’t be the same.
Stay tuned for the new column and follow me on Twitter @ArthurHarkness if you have any horror movies you want to discuss! I am always open to suggestions on viewings and reviewings. Till next time!
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