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You’re Welcome, Disney

So, you want to make some Star Wars movies.

In my younger years, I was quite the little Star Wars fan.  And since I was raised in a dry spell (Return of the Jedi came out before I was born and I would be in High School by the time the Phantom Menace hit screens), I had to make do with very little Star Wars material.  Hell, even the toys were hard to come by.  There was a comic shop nearby that sold cheap loose figures, and that was great if you wanted a droid or General Madine or Logray the other Ewok, but not so hot when you were looking for Jedi Luke.  But I made do with what I had until the Power of the Force figures came out in the mid-90s.  With my limited action figure resources, a wide open universe of stories, and a child’s imagination I came up with all kinds of ideas.

The Good, The Bad, And The Scruffy

When I hear the term “bounty hunter” my mind runs to fantastical places.  I don’t think of Hawaiian racists with bleach blonde mullets, I think of Boba Fett and I think of the old west.  So why can’t these two great tastes taste great together?  I know I’m not the only one who would be all over a Boba Fett story, set before the original trilogy, that was just a straight-up spaghetti western set in space.  Hell, if it were up to me I’d go one further… I’d adapt For a Few Dollars More in the Star Wars universe.

bobafett

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those with functioning jetpacks and those who are slowly digested over a thousand years.

Hear me out. In this classic spaghetti western, Sergio Leone’s frequent protagonist The Man With No Name reluctantly joins forces with a rival bounty hunter to collect the price on a dangerous gang of outlaws.  I feel that this story could suit Boba Fett very well, since he obviously needs to survive but can’t be portrayed as a straight hero. What better style of storytelling can better glorify the anti-hero than the Western?  And if it feels wrong to rip off Sergio Leone so shamelessly, remember that A Fistful of Dollars was just a rehash of Yojimbo.  In fact, if you have a guilty conscience about remaking For a Few Dollars More, just remake Yojimbo instead! It wouldn’t be the first time, or even the second.  The whole Red Harvest concept with Boba Fett as the hired gun playing one side against the other would also be a fantastic story.  Hell, you could even call the damn thing Blue Harvest!

Jedi Academy

Set in the days of the Old Republic, the Jedi training academy is faced it’s lowest recruitment figures to date. Pair that with a general increase of crime and disorder in the universe, and they’ve got a crisis on their hands. Naturally, the Order of Jedi resolves to open it’s doors to new recruits older and previously thought ineligible for recruitment.  This hilarious romp revolves around Jokk Rockster, a sharp-tongued roustabout with an eye for the ladies and a price on his head.  In order to escape the Hutts, he cheats on a midichlorian test and joins the Academy, beginning his uphill battle toward Jedi Knighthood. Along the way he meets a spoiled rich kid who wants to prove he can make it in the real world and a tomboyish young lady with self-esteem issues.  The trio unwittingly stumble upon a Sith conspiracy to take down the Jedi Order from the inside and hilarity ensues.

gutenberg

Steve Gutenberg is a tentative “yes” for the part of a young Qui Gon Jinn.

The Rebels

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away a crack commando unit was sent to prison by the Empire for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Outer Rim. Today, still wanted by the Empire, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them…. maybe you can hire the Rebels.

falcon

I love it when a plan comes together.

Okay, so you get the idea.  A weekly series in the style of the A-Team, or MacGyver, or The Incredible Hulk.  Take a handful of Star Wars characters, I’d suggest totally new ones, and place them in that sort of recurring adventure situation. They’re moving across the galaxy encountering people with problems and helping them to overcome.  It certainly wouldn’t hurt if they field-rigged up some gadgets to do so.  Throw a committed Imperial officer with a grudge into the mix, work in the occasional guest star, and you’ve got the #1 show of 1985, hands down. And probably like the #4 show of 2014, and that ain’t bad.

All images and characters depicted are copyright of their respective owners.

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Posted on April 24, 2013, in Comedy, Movies, TV and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Don Twice Meyer

    nailed it

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