Marvel Resolutions

As we ring in the New Year and Marvel continues to roll out their new takes on old favorites, I’d like to offer some suggestions as to how we can kill two birds with one stone: Mix things up in our favorite books while simultaneously rectifying some popular character flaws .



He’s psyching out Logan with threats of violence… that takes moxie!

With the upcoming relaunch of Uncanny X-Men, I think it would be refreshing to see a return to Cyclops roots as someone who didn’t condone/commit/generally get a boner from murder.

For the past five or so years, Cyclops has moved from the X-Men’s subdued yet heroic leader to the position of the paranoid warlord of a sovereign nation. Now, I’m not saying that they should undo what’s been done… I’m not lobbying for a reveal that Cyclops has been under the control of the Shadow King or secretly been replaced with a Skrull, or a Space Phantom, or a Smurf or some shit… but if he were to maybe to go a year of publication without either sanctioning or performing an execution, it would make him a lot more sympathetic.


I long for the days when Cyclops just blasted his friends in their taints.

Moon Knight

Moon Knight’s resolution isn’t as cut and dry… he just needs to take a couple of months and generally get his shit together. He’s not a kid anymore, he needs to have a decent series under his belt. An 8 issue mini won’t cut it for much longer… The man needs to embrace his unique mental situation. He needs to stop fighting the accusation that he’s a Batman ripoff and just own it. Better yet, he can be Crazy Batman. He can get himself a weird little kid and slap a cape on ‘im, take him out on patrol. The Adventures of Moon Knight and Bananas, the Boy Maniac. You can have that one for free, Marvel.


Batman’s famously got that one rule. Moon Knight’s only rule? There are no rules. He’s like that cool teacher who lets you do whatever you want… and gets fired for banging a student.


Now, I’m gonna go for a cheap laugh and say “Cut down on the planets, lardass!”. No, I’m taking the opposite approach. I think Galactus needs to stick to his guns for a change. How often does he show up in a planet’s outer atmosphere for lunch only to be turned away by one uppity member of the aforementioned planet’s populace. He has to stop letting these lesser beings bark orders at him and take what is his. In almost 50 years of publication, we’ve seen Galactus second guess eating the earth on a dozen occasions only to be rewarded by having his ass kicked by nearly everyone on it’s surface. When the Fantastic Four kicks your ass, you can brag about it to your friends. When the Greek god Hercules puts you in your place, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. When Rom, Spaceknight makes a fool of you, you’re liable to mope around the house for the next week in a bit of a slump. But when the Disco Dazzler sends you high-tailing out of the Milky Way, you have a right.. no, a responsibility… to destroy this insignificant blue orb in revenge.


Dazzler scared Galactus off without the Ultimate Nullifier… and with a twisted ankle, no less.

Stay hungry, Geeks.

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Posted on January 4, 2013, in Comedy, COMICS!, Rambles, Rants and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

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