Strange, Astonishing, Bizarre, and Revoltin’ Tales of WhatElseIfWorlds?!?!?!?!
Hello to all of you in Evil Geek land! We’ve got a little something special for you today! How many times throughout your life lived in the name of geekery, have you found yourself in a discussion with a friend(s) debating what would happen if Hero A from Company X, somehow met in battle Hero B from Company Y? Or What would happen if a hero from today actually started in 16th century Luxembourg? I’m going to guess you’ve probably done that a whole lot. We’re a people with a spirited and sometimes overactive imagination! We’re the ones who are thinking in the middle of really important business meetings “How cool would it be if I were Spider-Man, then all of a sudden we got attacked by Venom right now and I had to fight him in front of everyone?” We’re the people who still like to pretend we’re Magneto and that we’re using our powers to open the door to the elevator or the supermarket. Admit it, at least once in your life you’ve rampaged around the kitchen with 3 steak knives tucked between the middle fingers of each hand yelling “SNIKT!!!”
Our imaginations are constantly in overdrive and we’re always coming up with mash-ups and cross company battles we wish we could see. Back in the day, we had major label outlets for these type of stories. From Marvel the line was called “What If…” and the DC version was called “Elseworlds”. Both titles were extremely similar in that they presented familiar heroes in slightly skewed settings. “What If…” mainly focused on stories where one detail of a defining moment in a hero’s story we’re changed. What if Phoenix had killed the X-Men? What if Spider-Man kept his 4 extra arms? What if Deadpool liked burritos better than chimichangas? “Elseworlds on the other hand was more focused on putting heroes in different times and places than we are used to seeing them in. Two of my favorite “Elseworlds” stories were “Gotham By Gaslight” which had Batman chasing down Jack the Ripper in a late 1800’s era Gotham and Superman: Red Son which had Superman crash landing in Soviet-Era Russia as a child as opposed to the Kent Farm. If you haven’t read Red Son, I HIGHLY recommend checking it out, as it is a tremendous story! Sadly, as entertaining as these books were, they eventually fell by the wayside and are no longer around. Well, The Brotherhood of Evil Geeks is about to do something about that! In this new segment which we’ve dubbed WhatElseIfWorlds, we’re going to be talking about what impossible crossovers we’d like to see or certain story lines we’d like to see played out. To get us started, I thought of a match-up that I think would be spectacular to see played out! So without further ado, today’s VS battle will be: Deadpool Vs. The Joker!!!
In one corner we have the Clown Prince of Crime and in the other corner the Merc With a Mouth! Both of them are total cut ups when it comes to comedic banter, both are skilled with blades and knives, but also are quite handy with guns and explosives, both have quite a high tolerance for pain and violence. Wade is definitely the better fighter of the two, but the Joker has an edge on Wade in the brains department. Deadpool has the healing factor going for him, but the Joker’s been “killed” more times than anyone can count, yet he keeps coming back again and again.
How It Would Go Down
One day, while on a mission to assassinate the leader of a small Southern Pacific island after a military coup, Wade uses his teleportation belt one too many times, causing wackiness to ensue. After getting gruesomely twisted, contorted, disintegrated, splattered, and generally turned inside out in the teleport mishap, Wade immediately blacks out after coming out of the teleport. When he wakes up, he finds himself restrained in a hospital bed located in a strange facility called Arkham Asylum. It seems he suddenly popped into the rec room right in the middle of arts and crafts time, getting the other inmates all riled up. After being declared completely bonkers by Dr. Bartholomew Wolper, Deadpool is then committed to the facility. Wade ends up getting a cell adjacent to the worst of the worst in Arkham because he’s the new guy. It’s the cell that NO ONE wants to occupy because it’s right next to the one occupied by the Joker. Panicked at the possibility of being locked up in a nuthouse for the rest of his life Wade starts doing what he does best: jabbering away like a madman. Hearing Wade’s insane ramblings about “not being from this universe” amuses the Joker, so he eventually tells Wade (maybe through a message slipped through the cell bars or something like that) that if he helps the Joker escape, he’ll help get Wade back to his universe. Wade ends up distracting the guards by getting his head caught between the bars of his cell and spinning his body around, completely breaking his neck. When the orderlies rush into the cell to see what happened, Wade snaps back to life and lays a beating on the guards in the process, allowing him to get their keys. Wade, being equally amused by the Joker’s insane ramblings, decides to take him up on the offer and unlocks his cell. The two then slip out of Arkham and meet up with Harley, who has a getaway car waiting.
In what could be the most twisted, buddy road-trip movie EVER, the trio are forced hightail it, Thelma & Louise style, in order to get as far away from Gotham as possible because Batman’s hot on their trail . It’s like a Bob Hope/Bing Crosby Movie meets The Devil’s Rejects! Murder, mayhem, insanity, and laughs abound.
There’s a very valuable lesson to be learned by Deadpool here though and that is: Never trust anyone crazier than you or any of your multiple personalities. On the ride, Wade’s constant joking and crazy bantering make Harley laugh one too many times, causing the Joker to get insanely jealous. When you think about it, a man who can’t be killed because he can regenerate any wound, would be something of a prized pet to a man who can’t ever stop killing people. The Joker decides to turn on Wade, in order to capture him and make Wade his personal human pin cushion. He envisions being able to torture and maim Deadpool until his heart’s content. When the trio stop in a small town to rob the local gun shop/taco stand, the Joker decides to make his move.
The Joker approaches Wade and when he gets close he sprays him with some Smilex gas from the flower on his lapel. It turns out, due to a combination of Wade’s healing factor and the fact that he’s completely crazy already, the hysteria inducing gas has no effect on Deadpool. In fact he even comments that he quite enjoys its pleasant scent. This further enrages the Joker who decides to blow Deadpool’s head off with a freshly stolen shotgun. Wade, being the spry, ninja-like assassin that he is, manages to dodge at the last second, but still ends up getting half of his head taken off. A half-headless Deadpool manages to grab a few guns of his own and starts firing back at the Joker, who manages to evade every shot. After trading shots and quips in equal amounts, Wade decides that he’s had enough of the Joker. After grabbing a sword off the wall of the store, Deadpool charges the Joker who is unloading round after round into him. A bloody, shot up Wade finally reaches the Joker’s position, and quickly disarms him. Just as Wade is about to slice the Joker’s head off with the sword, Batman comes crashing through the ceiling and subdues Wade before he can kill the Joker. The Joker is sent back to Arkham, but Deadpool manages to tell Batman his story. After looking into it and examining Deadpool’s teleportation device, Batman decides he is telling the truth. With the help of some funky alien tech up at Watchtower, Batman finally sends Wade back to Earth 616, leaving him in SHIELD custody of course. As soon as Batman heads back to Earth 2, SHIELD immediately sends Wade out to finish the assassination mission he was on when the story started. Winner: DEADPOOL and the readers of course, because that sure sounds like it’d be a HELL of a story!
That’s going to wrap up our inaugural edition of WhatElseIfWorlds! Hopefully we’ll be back with another all new twisted tale soon. If you’ve got one you want to see written out in this column by the Evil Geeks, then let us know in the comments section!
All images and characters depicted are copyright of their respective owners.