30 Days Hath Novembeard – Day 29
The Novembeard finish line is finally within site! We’ve been going through a veritable who’s who of the beard world this month and for the penultimate salute to facial fur, we’ve saved the ultimate uber-geek: Tony Stark! Aside from Reed Richards, Tony’s the brainiest guy in the Marvel Universe. He’s got a TON of cash and he manages to reel in a non-stop stream of ladies. There is simply no other goatee as powerful as the one adorning the inside of the Iron Man helmet. This fashion forward facial hair can afford to buy and sell anyone on the planet! It’s half a beard, but it’s still got enough clout to run the show in the Marvel U! Sure, there have been a few missteps in this beards career, no one’s going to argue that. Maybe we had a little bit of a Skrull infestation under the watchful gaze of this glorious beard. There was also that unfortunate business with a Hulk invasion and maybe Tony eventually ended up resigning in disgrace as the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. but you know what? No one’s perfect, so don’t blame the beard. He wasn’t the one calling the shots, he was just along for the ride.
That’s a confident beard, a mighty beard. A beard that counts a thunder-god and a living WWII legend among his best friends. Gone are the days when that beard was basically a gin sponge; that’s now a beard of authority! Just look at it; perfectly symmetrical, not a single follicle out-of-place, and angles razor-sharp enough to shred an entire head of cabbage. That’s a beard that’s had the pleasure of teasing the inner thighs of many a gorgeous Marvel U heroine. Just ask the Black Widow! That’s a beard deserving, nay, DEMANDING respect! Skrull children tell ghost stories and hold candles in front of mirrors during midnight seances chanting “BLOODY TONY, BLOODY TONY!!” whilst cowering in fear of the ferocity of that beard! It spends so much time shielded behind the face plate of Tony’s armor, not because it needs to be defended from evil doers, NO! It’s shielded because those evil doers need to be shielded from IT! Beards like this are specifically why we created Novembeard, that’s why we’re dedicating today’s post to Tony Stark!
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