From Our Evil Vaults – The Brotherhood of Evil Geeks Superhero Tournament of Champions
Hello again Evil Geek Nation! A few weeks back we held a tournament that pitted the biggest and baddest names in the superhero geek world against one another in what we call The Tournament of Champions. At the time we intended to bring you a bracket by bracket break-down of the results. I had begun the endeavor of cataloguing the outcome of this massive tournament , but unfortunately life kind of got in the way and by the time I was able to sit back down to finish this article the tournament seemed like such a distant memory that I decided to scrap the articles. In an attempt to not let the effort already put into the article by myself and artist Tom Stevens go to waste, I thought I’d dig down into our Evil Vault and share some of the stuff that would have gone into the articles. What you’ll find here is a few of Tom’s interpretations of the battles and my writeup of the first round of the Non-Powered Human Bracket. Think of it as us taking a look into at the Earth Two version of The Brotherhood of Evil Geeks website where this stuff actually ended up getting published. In case you were wondering who came out on top of this battle royale: In a fiercely controversial outcome, Batman was defeated at the hands (and claws) of Wolverine at the top of Mount Olympus. Hold on a second! Don’t dump your nerd rage on me yet. Even though I’m a Marvel fanboy to the core, I was one of the few people who clearly understood that there was no way Batman was going to lose to Wolverine. The room felt that Wolverine would be in a berserker rage and that would be too much for the Dark Knight to handle. Yeah…cause that’s what would happen. Batman would be cool, calm, and collected in the face of a raging uncontrolled James Howlett. Claws or no claws, Batman would have calculated 6 or 7 different ways to defeat Wolvie even before he had a chance to pop a single claw. In my opinion Batman got robbed on this tournament, especially since Wolverine is a previous tournament winner. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and after the next tournament we promise to bring you a blow-by-blow breakdown of the goings on!
All battles in this round take place in the Cancerverse – A universe where death does not exist. Not going to lie, some of us misunderstood the physics of the reality, which resulted in some skewed battle results.
Match 1: Iron Man vs. The Green Hornet – It’s the battle of the billionaire playboys! Honestly though, the human bracket is rife with billionaire playboys, but these two happened to go first so they get the honor of carrying the moniker. This battle came down to one thing: Who has the best toys? Tony’s got the brains and Britt Reid’s got the best sidekick ever in Kato. Even though Kato would probably pull out some sweet martial arts moves on Tony, in the end Buckethead’s got the high-tech armor which will be more than a match for The Green Hornet and Kato. Sorry Britt, but the alcoholic flying tank wins this one. Winner: Iron Man
Match 2: Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye – This one was definitely tough to judge. We’ve got two archers, both of whom are spectacular shots, both have been dead then resurrected, one has the resources of S.H.I.E.L.D. behind him, the other has a massive fortune (another billionaire, this bracket is rife with them!). How is an Evil Geek to judge this match?!?! Well, since it seemed that these two were so evenly matched, we had to go to their respective media representations to make the final call. Hawkeye had a ginormous, international hit movie that made all the money, while Green Arrow was on Smallville. Winner: Hawkeye, only because he’s never been on Smallville.
Match 3: Rorschach vs. Nite Owl II – Former partners, now mortal enemies for the purposes of our own evil twisted entertainment! We have a crazy, unwashed, semi-homeless psychopath versus another super-rich vigilante, albeit a pudgy, doughy one at that. Both characters are fairly evenly matched, so this one came down to a battle of cool toys vs. unbridled mental illness. The way the judges saw it, Nite Owl wouldn’t have the stones to lay the beat down on his good friend, while Rorschach most likely dipping his buddy in Frank’s Red Hot and chowing down on some Owl wings. Winner: Rorschach because being bloodthirsty will get you places!
Match 4: Nick Fury vs. Falcon – Really? Seriously, this is an actual question? Nick “I’m the Head of S.H.I.E.L.D., Motherfuckers!” Fury vs. the Falcon? Really?!?! Sigh…ok, if we must. Winner: Nick Fury because A.) He’s not a lame sidekick and B.) He has an eyepatch. Trust me: NEVER mess with someone with an eyepatch. There’s a reason they’re wearing that thing and I guarantee you that reason is fucking beyond insane.
Match 5: Nightwing vs Blue Beetle (Ted Kord Style) This match-up features a man who spent significant portions of his career wearing bikini briefs or dressed like a disco ball in a domino mask vs. a man who looks like a cross between a mascot for a pest removal company and a rejected Battle of the Planets character. Winner: Nightwing In this lame-off of DC B-listers, the group gave it to Nightwing since he’s been personally trained by Batman. Nightwing has earned a few points of badassity just by being close to one of the most badass people in the universe.
Match 6: War Machine vs. The Punisher This was another tough one to judge. How do you score a fight between two men who are both walking arsenals? Sure, Toadey, err…excuse me, I meant Rhodey is basically a walking/flying tank, but Frank Castle is another alumnus of the All-Time Greatest Badasses Hall of Fame. Everyone loves Frank, he’s our favorite Psychopath! He’d probably fire off a few rockets and grenades at War Machine, but in the end, Rhodey’s technical advantage would give him the edge. Winner: War Machine
Match 7: The Black Widow vs. The Winter Soldier What a fantastic match-up, the War of the Super Spies! On one hand, you have sexy, super crafty, Russian spy Natasha Romanov and on the other the Russian trained, half-cyber assassin James “Bucky” Barnes. A lifetime of training vs. a lifetime of programing. Both are extremely skilled fighters and more than proficient with a firearm. How to judge this one? Well as a general rule in life, having a robotic-anything as part of your body is INCREDIBLY cool, so because of his various upgrades, especially the robo-arm, the result of this tussle is Winner: The Winter Soldier
Match 8: Batman vs. Marv (Sin City) To me, this one was clear-cut, but first credit where credit is due. Marv is one stone cold, straight up badass. The dude is splitting people’s heads open with axes and laying down Capt. Kirk-style dropkicks through windshields.
In any other tournament, facing any other opponent, I would have gladly handed Marv the entire Human Bracket, but unfortunately, he got stuck in a match with a man who is simply unparalleled when it comes to physically assaulting and/or intimidating others. A normal man with no powers, who can claim that he’s had the privilege of handing Superman his own ass in a fight. He wound up facing off against The Batman. Sorry Marv, it’s just not your day. As if there was any doubt at all, Winner: Batman
All images and characters depicted are copyright of their respective owners
Posted on October 20, 2012, in COMICS!, Geekology, Rambles, The Tournament and tagged Batman, Captain America, COMICS!, DC, Geeks, Hulk, Iron Man, Joker, Marvel, nerds, spider-man, Thor, Wolverine, X-Men. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.