The Pros & Cons of the New York Comic Con Pt.1
As we mentioned in this blog’s first post, we here at the Brotherhood are officially in countdown mode for the New York Comic Con. 4 MORE WEEKS!!! Just one moon cycle away from the East Coast version of the Geek Superbowl! Actually, the sad truth is we’ve been in countdown mode for about the last six months. We….(sigh)…don’t get out much. But now we’re getting really close and I’m getting super excited! Right around this time though, it’s always important to not let the excitement get the better of you and let the impending avalanche of awesome stuff blind you to the grotesque carnival of human misery you’re also going to bump uglies with at the same time. So to keep us all grounded for the next few weeks until we hit the show floor, here’s a list of some of the nasty you’re bound to encounter, then tomorrow I’ll be back with some things to remind you of the awesomeness:
THE BLOODY HORROR!!!!
Let’s start out with an obvious one, THE CROWD! If you want to attend the con and enjoy the experience, you are going to have to accept one basic fact: For the next few days, from about 10am until 7pm you will be walled up in the Javitz Center with nearly 100,000 other people who are going to get just as agitated as you about dealing with the masses. If you can get past that it’ll be all good, but trust me it won’t be easy. Trying being calm and serene after you’ve been clobbered by someones oversized bag of swag for the 3,689th time that morning. For the few days of the con, the Javitz is going to be packed like a commuter train in Calcutta. After walking around all day, people are going to smell like the decaying butthole of a dead tauntaun. You’re going to get bumped into. People will walk in front of you right as you’re about to take a picture. You’re going to unintentionally get hit with a shopping bag or two. The guy in the Archangel costume is going to turn for a pic suddenly and clip the back of your head with the gargantuan metal wings strapped to his back. It’s going to happen to everyone; don’t impale anyone with a replica of the Sword of Omens, just let it all slide (we’re geeks for cryin’ out loud! We’ve spent years hiding from the sun, developing these wonderfully gelatinous physiques, the last thing we should be doing is fighting). Luckily, from what I’ve seen over the years the crowd is genrally pretty docile and understanding. Ok, except for that one nerd who stabbed some guy with a compass at the Avengers panel in San Diego a few years ago. But that’s only one guy out of the hundreds of thousands that have gone to cons since then, so it’s a pretty decent record. Seriously though, how unlucky do you have to be to get stabbed in front of the Avengers? They’re “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”, it’s right there below the title! Even though they’re just actors, there’s got to be a prop Cap shield laying around somewhere that someone could have chucked. Anyway back to the topic, at the end of a long day of playing human Tetris, you’re going to be ready to beat a fool to death with the tentacles of his Doctor Octopus costume.
Here’s my pic of a guy in a sweet-ass Darth Vader costume telling a guy with a shit-eating grin on his face to not walk into the picture. If only I could have force choked him.
The next bad thing at the con is THE FOOD. I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the bowels of the Javitz Center, there is some devastatingly insane scientist who’s somehow managed to combine airline food with high school cafeteria food in some twisted experiment that is somehow connected to cases of missing pets and pigeon disappearances across NYC. Not one single person has ever come up from the food court and said “Wow I can’t believe how fairly priced and delicious that food was!” Never. Not once. EVER. There’s a BBQ place that serves up some so-so grub, everything else isn’t so hot. You also have the choice of going get some horrible Chinese food, some bland pizza, or a turkey wrap that has most likely been stored in an unrefrigerated warehouse in Brooklyn since last years con, at one of the few places to grab some food in the Javitz. There’s also the vendors selling (formerly) hot pretzels and what I can only describe as the worst churros I’ve ever eaten in my life, scattered about the Javitz too. Yum.
As if the crappy food isn’t bad enough, you’re pretty much going to have to forget about going to college or ever owing a home because the eats are going to set you back quite a bit. Have fun coughing up like 5 or 6 bucks for a bottle of soda or $20 for a sandwich and some chips. Yeah, they tend to get a little gouge-y with the prices there, so be prepared. You’re talking to a man who’s downed countless $11 beers at the con across the years.
I’m willing to bet that just hearing that is enough to get you worked up into a rage. Now just think about how frothingly pissed you’re going to be when you have to fork over the entire GNP of Guatamala for this pitiful meal after waiting in line for like 40 minutes to get food. If you’re going to eat at the food court, it’s definitely going to eat up a huge portion of that days floor time, so be prepared to make sacrifices. Pop quiz, hot shot: the guy who played Thug #3 in Die Hard is going to be signing autographs at 1pm, but you’re ready to pass out since you haven’t eaten since the night before, WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!
Okay, now you’re sufficently angry from fighting your way through the throng of people all day, you’re cranky because you couldn’t get a decent meal, then all of a sudden you get that painful rumbling in your stomach and instantly realize that ordering the salmonella fingers from the food court was a bad idea. Right about then, you’re going to want to hit the nearest bathroom, aren’t ya’? Welcome to the next traumatic fun house of the NYCC: THE BATHROOMS! You take off for the nearest restroom like the Flash, leaving a debris field of downed nerds and discarded swag in your wake, praying you can make it there in time, only to burst through the door and be greeted with a line about 7 people deep all waiting to get into a stall so they can put on the homemade Gundam suit they spent 9 months building. F#@&!!!!!! You remember that there’s another bathroom straight across the hallway, so you decide to initiate Plan B and make a break for it. BLAM, you blast through the door and are met with a stench surely created most fouly by Hades himself. Aside from the rather “earthy” aroma, there is also another line waiting for you, this time populated by guys holding gym bags full of fake swords, axes, nuchucks, and various elf costume pieces hanging out of the top, all waiting for a stall. GOD DAMN IT!!!!! You’ve now entered a full on code:brown emergency. One way or another it’s all coming out and you need to do something about it NOW!!! A last ditch plan forms in your distressed brain as you recall the small bathroom tucked away behind some booths, up two levels on the show floor. “This is it, all or nothing” you think. If this doesn’t work, then you’re about to have a REAL bad time at the con. You begin the epic sprint towards your last hope for salvation, hoping to come out on the other end with your dignity intact. Just feet from the door, you tragically notice the small yellow sign handing from the handle that says “closed 15 minutes for cleaning”. That about sums up what it’s like to need to use a bathroom at the NYCC.
“Uhhh, yeah, so I’ve actually got the stall next.”
So that wraps up the breakdown of the major evils of the NYCC. Don’t let them disuade you on attending. I absolutely assure you that all the cool and amazing things you’ll see will more than compensate for the bad stuff. Come back tomorrow for a list of some of the pros of the NYCC.
Stay evil fellow geeks…