Dinosaurs Eat Man…Woman Inherits the Earth: Musings On Jurassic Park (Part 2)
Welcome back! To catch up on the first part of this article, you can check it out here. If you’re ready to move on get ready because we’ve spared no expense.
Meanwhile back at the compound…
We find that Dr. Sadler was smart to abandon the group and has made it safely inside. It has become clear to Hammond, Muldoon and Mr. Arnold that Nedry’s reasons for shutting down the power are super sketch and that he will not be coming back. It’s here that we also learn that the magic word is not “Please”, as my parents had always told me. John Hammond pleads to Muldoon to go back to the now stand-still jeeps and bring his grandchildren back to safety (making no mention of his concerns about the safety of Grant or Malcolm). Muldoon and Sadler go off into the great unknown to bring everyone back. It is here that we are again reintroduced to Dennis Nedry, who has clearly never driven in the rain and unlike John Hammond, did not “spare no expense” on glasses that don’t fog up. He crashes into a post and loses his direction. He drives off a small cliff and becomes stranded. It’s here that we meet my Halloween costume dinosaur, Dilophosaurus. It’s immediately clear that Nedry has no idea what kind of crazy, mystical power this little dino can unleash. After he throws a stick at her and insults her intelligence, Dilophosaurus loses her temper. She flashes her fancy frills and spits her monster-goo at Nedry’s eyes and blinds him. We leave our dear Mr. Nedry as he is slowly and painfully being devoured by this cute little demon-beast.
We now find ourselves back with Sadler and Muldoon as they arrive at the T-Rex enclosure, only to find one car and what little remains of Gennaro. They stumble upon an injured and barely conscience Ian Malcolm, who when Ellie states “Should we chance moving him?” suddenly becomes quite alert and throws out his next one liner “Please, chance it”. Oh Jeff Goldblum, does it get better than you? Ellie finds the other car over the embankment and through some sort of wizardry that we are not privy to see; she and Muldoon make it over the embankment and discover three sets of footprints, easing their minds that the children and Dr. Grant did not succumb to the T-Rex. We see Ian Malcolm resting quietly in the back of the gas jeep when we start to hear the ominous rumblings of the earth and the guttural roar of the T-Rex as she approaches. Muldoon and Sadler run out of the woods with our familiar foe T-Rex in hot pursuit. (Here is my next gripe, earlier in the film, when Hammond tells Grant that they have a T-Rex, he states that they clocked her top speed at 32 MPH. If that is the case, why does the gas powered jeep have so much trouble out-running the T-Rex. I’m pretty sure most vehicles can reach far greater speeds than 32 MPH. Seriously Steve, did you even do research?)
So now we’re back with Grant and the kids as they find sanctuary in a very high tree and decide to spend the night. Tim elects to ease the tension with an ill-timed blind dinosaur joke. Lex and Grant secretly judge him but say nothing. They fall asleep and awake to discover that they’re sharing the trees with a herd of Brachiosaurus. Manners and germ sharing seem not to concern the herd as one Brachiosaur sneezes on Lex and does not say excuse me. They leave the shelter of the trees and upon venturing further out into the great unknown; Grant discovers dinosaur eggs and whispers that Malcolm was right about the scientists not being able to control the gender (Life…uhhh…finds a way). A comment he will never make to Malcolm’s face since they’re still fighting over Laura Dern. They end up in the middle of a herd of Gallimimus. T-Rex comes to interrupt the party yet again and Grant, Lex and Tim must find a new place to hang out. It’s at this point that our trio come upon a high fence and must decide to climb up and over in order to get away from the Rex. When we leave them, Grant has just pulled a nasty little prank on the kids where he pretended that the fence was electrified and he was being electrocuted. Oh Dr. Grant, joking around with kids! You’re really turning around!
Back at the compound, Ellie has dressed Malcolm’s wounds and she sits down with John Hammond to enjoy some ice cream. They waste precious time talking about a flea circus. Upon arriving back in the control room, we are greeted by a sexy, shirtless Jeff Goldblum (seriously, was shirtless Goldblum necessary?). Ray Arnold discusses their options and they ultimately decide that they need to shut down everything that remains in power and reboot the system in order to restore power to the park. Because he is the only black guy in this movie, Ray Arnold has to go outside, to the other end of the compound and manually switch on the circuit breaker, a task that will certainly cost him his life. After he does not return for a long while, Sadler realizes that something is wrong and someone else must go. Muldoon and his muscle legs volunteer, John Hammond and his mosquito cane offer to go but seeing as he is very old, Ellie goes instead and calls him a sexist for good measure. (Side Note 4: Now, here is one of my biggest gripes of all, something that I assume most people would never notice, but I am not most people. Now, when Malcolm and Hammond are left alone, Malcolm sarcastically states to Hammond that the weekend wasn’t what he was promised. It’s at this moment that Hammond says “All major theme parks have delays. When Disneyland opened in 1956, nothing worked.” Now you may be thinking that I am going to make some snarky comment about Ian Malcolm’s clever retort about the Pirates of the Caribbean, but you would be wrong. My issue is this: John Hammond knows nothing of dates. Disneyland did not open in 1956. Disneyland opened on July 17, 1955. How dare you, John. How dare you!). Upon exiting the safety of the compound, Muldoon notices that Arnold even shut down the power to the Velociraptor enclosure. He responds to this discovery with the world’s greatest insult “Even Nedry knew better than to mess with the Raptor fences”. As they approach the circuit board room, Muldoon informs Sadler that she must go it alone, as they’re presently being hunted. He whips out his crazy war weapon, readjusts his Indiana Jones hat and sets his sights on the Velociraptor. Sadler runs for her life and makes it inside the circuit room. After John Hammond gets Ellie lost with his inability to read a map, Malcolm successfully directs her to the circuit board and she begins the process of restoring power to the park. We quickly cut back to Muldoon who is content to just point his gun at the Velociraptor instead of actually shooting her. When suddenly to his right, comes a second raptor that he didn’t even know was there. He is so impressed by this that instead of immediately shooting her in the face, Muldoon compliments the raptors ability to sneak up on him by stating “Clever Girl”. She repays his compliment by gnawing on his face. Goodbye beautiful, muscle legs!
Cut back again to our trio. Lex and Grant have successfully made it down the other side of the fence but Tim enjoys the view from way up high and is content to take his time. Suddenly the power begins to kick back on and a warning siren begins to go off, alerting anyone nearby that the fence will soon be back to full power. At this time that we are jumping back and forth between Sadler and the fence; we see Ellie pressing each button and know that in mere seconds, she will restore power to the fence, shocking Timmy with 10,000 volts. Grant gives Tim to the count of three for him to jump. At two, the power comes back on and Tim is electrocuted. Luckily, Dr. Grant has a secret talent for catching fast falling objects because he breaks Tim’s fall and immediately begins CPR in an attempt to resuscitate Tim. Fortunately for all of us watching, Dr. Grants CPR classes paid off and Tim regains consciousness. Tim is even in good enough spirits to finish off Dr. Grants countdown! We now jump back to Ellie, who is so proud of herself for pushing buttons and restoring power to the fences. It quickly becomes clear that Velociraptors do not take kindly to bragging because one jumps out from behind her and lets her know that it does not approve of her shenanigans. Ellie runs to the other side of the circuit board where she is met by the reassuring touch of Mr. Arnold, only to immediately discover that his reassuring touch is all that is left of him. She outwits the raptor and runs from the circuit room, ending up back outside.
Grant, Tim and Lex make their way back to the visitor’s center and are met with the most delicious buffet of foods. Apparently Lex quickly forgets about being a vegetarian because we do not see her discriminating about the food. We quickly cut to Grant and Sadler being reunited. They most likely make love in the clearing because they are gone long enough for the kids to finish dinner and move on to dessert. This is when Lex decides to showcase the flexibility of Jello, instead of verbally alerting Tim that there is a raptor inside the visitor’s center. Tim and Lex seek shelter in the kitchen but unfortunately for them, the Velociraptors have mastered the ability to open doors. Tim and Lex try to outwit the beasts using physical comedy, one particular stunt involving a mirror, knocks out one of the two raptors. Tim finally remembers that Dinosaurs are cold blooded and that if he can lure one into the freezer, it will surly die. Fortunately for the viewer, he is successful and the kids are able to escape from the kitchen. What they do not know is that the mirror raptor has regained consciousness and is most displeased with being outwitted.
The children are reunited with Grant and Sadler and they all make their way into the control room. It’s at this point that Lex realizes that her abilities as a hacker will render her useful. She sits down to the computer and begins fixing all of the things that Nedry had shut down. Grant is discovering that the door has a power lock when he looks up to discover that one the other side of the glass, is the pissed off raptor. He is startled and drops his gun. The raptor begins to turn the door knob and Ellie must now run to help Dr. Grant hold the door closed. At this point, Tim decides to be the most useless person in the room by just standing over Lex as she single-handedly saves the day. Why didn’t Ellie yell to Tim to hand her the effing gun? Jesus Timmy! So finally, Lex is able to restore all the power to the entire park. Dr. Grant calls Mr. Hammond to inform him that it’s time to call a helicopter and that the children are fine. Through the phone we hear that the raptor has decided to jump through the window and we cut away from Hammond and back to Grant, Sadler, Lex and Tim. They’ve had to escape through the ceiling vents but the raptor is no fool. She knows exactly where they are. She stalks their movements, lulls them into a false sense of security and when the moment is right, she strikes! Fortunately for Lex, Dr. Grant has grown fond of children and decides to help her out. He kicks the raptor in the face and she falls to the ground, almost taking Lex with her. (Now, if you notice in the movie, Dr. Grant totally grabs Lex’s ass, but it’s ok because if he hadn’t she would have been eaten.) Our group finally creeps out of the ceiling vents and finds themselves in the lobby of the visitor’s center. However, the Velociraptor turns out to be far smarter than our human friends and has beaten them there. They are forced to jump onto the skeleton of a T-Rex but the bones cannot bear their weight and they crumble to the ground. Upon hitting the ground it is made evident to our group that there are two raptors! All hope seems lost as the two raptors corner our friends. Both raptors prepare to strike, pleased with themselves for outwitting the humans. As one raptor poises herself to jump, she is caught mid-air by our old friend T-Rex. In an attempt to apologize for earlier events, T-Rex decides to save our group from the raptors and Grant, Sadler, Tim and Lex are able to sneak out the door and into the safe arms of a gas powered jeep. When we leave the dinosaurs, T-Rex has just killed both of the velociraptors and upon noticing that her new friends have abandoned her, cries out in sadness as the banner “When Dinosaurs Ruled the World” flutters to her feet.
In the final scene of our film, we see our group meeting the helicopter on the landing pad. John Hammond looks out at his great creation, possibly wishing that he had spared a little less expense and just opened a petting zoo. We discover that John Hammond has not been touched tenderly in a very long time, as when Grant goes to reach for him, Hammond shudders. They all climb aboard the helicopter and take flight. We see Lex and Tim snuggled in the arms of the now desperate for his own children, Dr. Grant. This makes Dr. Sadlers uterus quiver so she turns away to see a family of pelicans flying beside them as the greatest musical score in the history of the world plays them off.
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